Looking in the Mirror: Owning Your Role in Relationship Challenges
As a couples therapist, I see it all the time—two people sitting across from each other, both convinced that the other is the real problem. A natural tendency is to blame others when we aren’t sure of the problem. If you’ve experienced this in your relationship, it happens. Many couples face this challenge when arguing and in couples sessions.
Self-reflection and accountability aren’t just personal growth buzzwords; they’re the foundation of a healthy relationship. Without accountability for our bs, we blame others because looking inward is hard sometimes. Learn why looking in the mirror is the first step in taking accountability.
Why Is Self-Reflection So Hard?
Looking inward is uncomfortable and, quite frankly, doesn’t feel good. It forces us to acknowledge mistakes, question long-standing beliefs, and face the reality that we might be contributing to the problems we complain about. And let’s be honest—no one wants to be the “bad guy” or the wrong one, well, not usually.
For some people, admitting fault feels like an attack on their self-worth. If they acknowledge a mistake, they fear it means they are a mistake. It is easier to say hey, my partner is wrong, but if I’m not, I might be the problem too.
Blame as a Defense Mechanism
You're not alone if you blame your partner for most of your relationship struggles. Blame can be a psychological defense mechanism, and it often serves two purposes:
Protecting the Ego: If I convince myself you are the problem, I don’t have to feel guilty or flawed.
Avoiding Vulnerability: If I focus on my shortcomings, I don’t have to face my fears, insecurities, or the possibility that I might need to change.
But blaming your partner won’t fix the problem—it will only create more distance.
Criticism breeds defensiveness.
Contempt fuels resentment.
Stonewalling shuts down communication.
Are You Stuck in a Cycle of Toxic Communication?
Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading relationship researchers, identified four toxic behaviors that predict divorce or serious relationship breakdown:
Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character instead of focusing on the issue.
Defensiveness – Responding to concerns with excuses, counterattacks, or playing the victim.
Contempt – Treating your partner with sarcasm, mockery, or an air of superiority.
Stonewalling – Shutting down or withdrawing instead of engaging in conflict resolution.
Most couples engage in these behaviors occasionally. The real problem is when they become the norm rather than the exception. And the best way to break free? Start with yourself.
The Role of Shame in Avoiding Accountability
Many people avoid taking responsibility for their actions because of toxic shame—a deep-seated belief that they are somehow unworthy of love if they admit fault. Instead of facing this discomfort, they externalize their pain, blaming their partner for everything wrong.
But here’s the truth: taking responsibility doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong. It’s courage to say, I see how my actions have hurt you, and I want to do better.
If shame keeps you stuck, try this shift in mindset: Mistakes don’t define you. What defines you is your willingness to learn and grow.
Taking Ownership: How to Break the Blame Cycle
If you’re ready to start shifting from blame to accountability, here are some practical steps:
Pause Before Reacting – When conflict arises, take a deep breath. Before firing back defensively, ask yourself, Is there any truth to what my partner is saying?
Challenge Your Narrative – Notice if you’re framing yourself as the “victim” and your partner as the “villain.” Relationships are rarely that black and white.
Seek Honest Feedback – Ask your partner How my words and actions impact you. But here’s the key—listen without interrupting or defending yourself.
Own Your Mistakes – If you are critical, dismissive, or withdrawn, acknowledge it. I realize I shut down when we argue, and I don’t want to do that anymore, which can go a long way.
Practice Self-Compassion – Self-reflection isn’t about beating yourself up; it’s about growing. Remind yourself that you are human and that learning from mistakes shows emotional maturity.
Are You the “Relationship Problem Child”?
I sometimes jokingly refer to a particular dynamic as being the “relationship problem child.” This is the partner who resists accountability, justifies toxic behavior, and makes demands without considering their contributions to the relationship’s struggles. If you’re wondering whether this might apply to you, ask yourself:
Do I feel justified in using sarcasm, dismissiveness, or criticism?
Do I struggle to admit when I’m wrong?
Do I focus more on my partner’s flaws than on my areas for growth?
Do I avoid difficult conversations because I don’t want to feel “bad” or uncomfortable?
If any of these hit home, that’s okay. The good news is awareness is the first step toward change.
Healing Begins with Accountability
Strong relationships aren’t built on perfection. They’re built on effort, self-awareness, and a willingness to grow—individually and as a team.
So, if you’ve been stuck in a cycle of blame, I encourage you to take a step back. Instead of asking, What is my partner doing wrong?, try asking, What can I do differently? This shift in perspective can open the door to deeper understanding, connection, and healing.
And if this process feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sometimes, having a neutral third party can make all the difference in breaking old patterns and rebuilding trust.
If you and your partner are ready to do the work, I’d love to help. Change starts with a single step—why not take that step today?
Interested in couples therapy? Let’s connect.
