How to Talk to Your Partner: Communication Styles and Conflict Mapping
There are different ways couples communicate with each other and the type of style is defined in this article. The primary communication styles: passive, assertive and aggressive. We will also discuss conflict mapping and how it can be used in communicating more effectively with your partner. You can also use conflict mapping in other relationships, friends, co-workers, etc. Self-soothing and mindfulness techniques can be combined with communication as this is important to incorporate while working on yourself and also communication with your partner.
The Three Primary Communication Styles
A Passive Communicator:
Passive communicators avoid discussing their emotions and feelings, they put the needs of others before their own. If you communication passively, resentment can build up.
Characteristics:
Avoidance of disagreements
Uses phrases such as “I’m fine” (when it isn’t true)
Closed-off body language
Difficulty asserting needs
Example: Imagine one partner feels overwhelmed with household chores but says nothing. They might think, “I don’t want to upset them,” and simply agree to take on more, leading to resentment.
Assertive Communicator:
This communication style is the healthiest as it gets a point across without disrespecting your partner or pointing blame. Assertive communicators can face conflict with clear communication. Being assertive builds trusts and a healthy flow of dialogue.
Characteristics:
Open body language
Wants to listen
Clear and direct expression of feelings
Creates relationships safety
Using “I” statements and avoids blame
Example: An assertive partner might say, “I feel overwhelmed with the chores and would appreciate your help. Can we create a plan together?” This invites collaboration and understanding.
Aggressive Communicator:
Aggressive communicators express their needs in a way that is disrespectful to others. This style can be damaging to relationships.
Characteristics:
Loud voice and shouting
Name calling
Using insults or blame
Struggles to listen to the other side
Example: An aggressive partner might say, “You never do your share around here! This is all on me!” This approach can lead to defensiveness and hurt feelings.
Conflict Mapping in Relationships
When arguing or having a disagreement, both parties egos are heightened and each person wants to be heard. Conflict mapping is a helpful tool to understand and resolve disagreements. There are three steps in identifying conflict in relationships.
1) Identify communication style: Take a moment to think about what your partner’s communication style is and what yours is.
2) Outline the issues: What problems are being discussed?
3) Explore needs: What needs are driving your partner’s position?
Example of Conflict Mapping:
Scenario: A couple is arguing about household responsibilities.
What communication styles are being used?: Partner A (assertive) and Partner B (passive)
What are the issues: Imbalance in chore distribution and feelings of being overwhelmed
Underlying Needs: Example: One partner may need recognition for their efforts, while the other may be feeling overwhelmed by their workload.
By each partner understanding what their partner needs and what their perspective is, leading to a constructive conversation.
Once you create a conflict map, it’s time to seek common ground. Identify areas of agreement or shared goals. This helps create a collaborative mindset rather than a combative one. Example: Both partners want a clean and organized home, even if they disagree on how to achieve it. By each partner creating a positive atmosphere, their common goal can be achieved while also recognizing the needs of the other.
Self-Soothing Techniques for Couples
During arguments is tense and these techniques can help decrease the tension and overall help your stress.
Deep breathing- Breathing can help calm your nervous system. You can practice this alone or with your partner.
Mindfulness- If you’re fighting, take a moment of your surroundings or engage with each other in a mindfulness activity.
Pause before responding- One effective tool that excellent communicators has is pausing before saying anything. Take a moment to think before speaking.
