Dating Someone with Commitment Issues
Are you dating someone with commitment issues or getting back into the dating scene and finding that more people are having commitment issues? Commitment issues are growing within dating, with new terms for dating popping up and what it means to be in a committed relationship.
Others find commitment issues from previous relationship trauma, trust issues, getting out of a serious relationship, marriage, emotional barriers, and a wide range of other reasons people have commitment issues in relationships. Or you may be in a current relationship where your partner is afraid to take those next steps.
In this article, we will discuss the many reasons someone might have commitment issues, signs to look out for, topics around avoidant attachment, fear of dating, and fear of serious commitment. Next, we will talk about solutions that involve therapy, couples counseling, learning about attachment styles, and ways to build trust within yourself and others when dating.
What Are Commitment Issues?
Let's examine commitments first. To start, we must define commitment, which is an agreement to commit to the future. That may mean a commitment to a person or date exclusively in a relationship. The agreement you make with another person is personal to you and the other person. Committment issues typically mean fear of having long-term partnerships.
Those who have commitment issues may want and crave to be loved and have an intimate relationship but also fear the vulnerability that can accompany it. There is vulnerability that comes with committing to someone. People who have these types of issues shy away from vulnerability, often caused by avoidant attachment in childhood, relationship trauma, being overly self-reliant, and other reasons can contribute.
When dating, those with these fears might have more flings, hookups, and one-night stands or want to avoid being in a relationship altogether.
In therapy, we will dig deep into the root causes of commitment and what it means for you. If you're dating and finding yourself dating individuals, this can be a good time to explore attachment issues within yourself and learn how to date with more intention and have your needs met.
For those with commitment issues, it's not they can't love or incapable; it is more a fear of love, dating, and vulnerability.
The Psychology Behind Commitment Phobia
In psychology, commitment phobia can stem from past trauma, bad relationships, cheating, negative relationship experiences, childhood trauma, attachment issues, and anything in between. These experiences can affect someone's view of a relationship and paint a skewed perception of what they want, how to be vulnerable, and healthy attachment.
Recognizing Avoidant Attachment and Its Impact
The type of attachment style that correlates with commitment issues is the avoidant type. Avoidant attachment folks want independence and are overly self-reliant. There is nothing wrong with being independent, but it can affect you or the other person when it interferes with relationships and being in a secure, long-term partnership.
Identifying Signs of Commitment Issues
Here, we will identify commitment issues, as other behaviors may mask some. The list below includes common ones, but not all of them.
There is a push-pull nature with someone with commitment issues; one moment, they shower you with attention, and the next, they don't talk to you for a week.
Here are some common signs of commitment issues:
Avoiding serious conversations about the future, which might include long-term dating, marriage, or anything that would indicate the relationship is moving from "fun" to serious
Inconsistent behavior and mixed signals, hot/cold nature, being available one day and then disappearing
Ghosting after a few dates
History of short-term relationships and fling type of relationships
History of one-night-stands
Fear of making decisions that could lead to long-term commitment
Difficulty expressing emotions and feelings
Making light of emotions to where it seems like avoidance
Common Behaviors and Emotional Barriers
Now that we have identified some signs of commitment issues, we will move our way to behaviors. Behaviors such as avoiding big conversations around dating long-term, moving in together, marriage, a purchase together, or anything that would scream, "Hey, we are committed to each other," are behaviors that someone may display. If you just started dating someone, red flags may look like only wanting to talk about fun relationship topics and avoiding what they are looking for, someone who is only interested in short-term hookups, a history of negative relationships, being hot/cold are a few behaviors that could indicate commitment issues. When identifying behaviors, communication is important especially when you're in a relationship or even if you're starting to date, asking questions such as, "What are your relationship goals?" or "Are you looking for something short or long-term" can be good conversation starters and to gauge what someone wants and possibly if they might be afraid of commitment.
Having a Relationship with a Commitment-Phobe
Let's say you're in a relationship with someone you know or think may have a few commitment issues. What do you do? The first step is conversing with them and seeking individual or couples counseling if it is an issue within your relationship. If you've been dating someone who is afraid to talk about serious conversations about your future together, having a counselor to guide these conversations can be highly beneficial. Also, understand your partner's fears; if your partner has experienced infidelity and that is causing their fear of commitment and vulnerability, talk it through, build trust, and communicate these needs. Empathy and compassion for your partner can go a long way when creating a long-lasting bond.
Communication Strategies
Although it can feel lonely and isolating to be in a relationship with someone who has commitment issues, hearing the other person's perspective is important. This is where couples counseling can be helpful. Suppose your partner has an avoidant attachment, and you are working through that, and you have anxiety about them leaving or fear of abandonment, for example. In that case, it can create arguments and unhealthy patterns of attachment.
Building Trust and Intimacy Gradually
For someone with commitment issues, slow and gradual is the way to go. If they are afraid to talk about marriage for instance, work your way to this conversation instead of bombarding them with topics that might scare them away. Communication is essential, but working your way to address issues is better than dropping everything they are afraid of into the conversation. They have things to work on, too, and this is a process, and trust takes time.
Therapeutic Approaches to Commitment Issues
Therapy is a way to gather techniques, tools, and better communication styles with your partner on an individual or couples counseling level.
In individual therapy, we may work on:
• Your attachment issues and how you connect with others
• Root causes of fear of commitment
• Exploring dating, fears, and any issues around this topic
In couples counseling, we may work on the following:
• Navigating commitment issues
• Your attachment styles and how they reflect each other
• Working on healthy and effective communication
• Having more passion and empathy for one another
• Creating stronger and a more fulfilling relationship
• Having your needs met
Individual Therapy for Commitment Issues
Gaining a deeper awareness of yourself and commitment issues can help your current or future relationships thrive. Self-reflection and awareness create the building blocks for a healthier you and healthier relationships.
Couples Counseling for Commitment Issues
Couples counseling provides a welcoming, safe space to discuss your relationship concerns and issues while building a healthier partnership.
Conclusion: Having a Better Relationship with Commitment Issues
Now that you know what causes commitment issues, the signs, and how to solve commitment issues through effective communication, patience, empathy, and deciding to seek help through therapy. To learn more about Sagebrush Counseling and what we offer, contact us or schedule a session today.
