I Wanted a Fresh Start—So Why Do I Miss My Ex?
What is Post-Divorce Regret?
You fought hard for your independence. You convinced yourself that divorce was the right decision. You envisioned a fresh start—new opportunities, new people, and a life free from the conflicts that once defined your relationship.
So why do you miss your ex now that you have that freedom?
As a couples therapist, I see this more often than people expect. Divorce regret, or at least post-divorce nostalgia, is not uncommon. You are not alone in this. The reality is that even when a breakup or divorce feels necessary, that doesn’t mean it won’t come with grief, self-doubt, and even a longing for the past.
Why Do I Miss My Ex If I Wanted the Divorce?
“‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
When people decide to end a marriage or long-term relationship, they focus on the bad stuff that got them there, but after, the dust settles. They fall into a new routine, wake up in a different house, a different bed, and their ex living in a different place; their mind often starts romanticizing the past or fixating on the good parts of the relationship they may have taken for granted.
Here’s why this happens:
1. Your Brain Is Wired to Miss What’s Familiar
Humans crave predictability and routine; it is how they are hard-wired. Even if your marriage wasn’t fulfilling or you wanted to leave, it was still a foundation in your life. You built habits, routines, and a daily existence together; the longer you were together or married, the harder it was to create that new routine. Now, that’s gone. And your brain, like any good survival machine, starts longing for what’s familiar—even if it isn’t ideal.
2. Divorce Is a Loss—Even If It Was Your Choice
Many people assume that if you wanted a divorce, you wouldn’t feel grief afterward. But that’s not how emotions work. Divorce is still a loss. It’s the loss of a shared future, identity, and someone who once knew you better than anyone. Missing your ex doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision—it just means you’re human.
3. We Tend to Forget the Bad and Remember the Good
Have you ever considered an old relationship and thought, Was it that bad? Our thoughts are sneaky and can romanticize all the good about someone and forget the bad. The arguments, disappointments, and hardships that led to the divorce start to fade, and suddenly, you’re left reminiscing about the vacations, the inside jokes, their laugh, their ways, and how they used to hold you, and you felt good in their arms. You might even think about memorable moments. Specific moments like them putting their hands on your cheek or you using their coat pockets to stay warm, the little moments tend to get to those the most because they are the special times you have as usually marriage isn’t “all” bad and does have good to reflect and remember on.
4. Loneliness Can Trick You Into Thinking You Made a Mistake
In the early days post-divorce, loneliness can hit hard. A relationship provides security, safety, and the feeling of having someone. When that’s gone, it’s easy to confuse the pain of being alone with the idea that you should have stayed together.
What the Research Says About Divorce Regret
Divorce regret isn’t just an emotional experience—it’s something that’s been studied and researched in psychology. One of the most insightful pieces of research on this topic comes from Judith Wallerstein, a renowned researcher who spent a decade studying the long-term effects of divorce on 60 middle and upper-income families.
Key Takeaways from the Study:
Only 10% of divorced couples reported an overall improvement in their quality of life over the decade following their divorce.
Divorce seemed to impact men and women differently. While 55% of women said their lives significantly improved post-divorce, only 32% of men felt the same way.
Age and financial status mattered. Younger women under 40 were more likely to improve their economic situation post-divorce (with 70% reporting financial gains). In comparison, women over 40 were more likely to experience financial struggles (with only 40% reporting improvement).
Most people did not take personal responsibility for the breakup. Over half of the women in the study believed they played little to no role in the dissolution of their marriage.
Reconciliation was rare. Out of the 60 couples in the study, only two ended up remarrying each other—one of which divorced again. At the 10-year mark, 90% of women and 70% of men still believed divorce was the right decision.
Perhaps one of the most striking findings was the lingering anger many people carried toward their exes. Even in relatively amicable divorces, 40% of women and 28% of men still felt deep resentment toward their ex-spouse a decade later.
What does all this tell us? Divorce is complicated. Some people find relief and freedom in leaving a marriage, while others struggle with long-term doubts and emotional wounds.
How to Move Forward When You Miss Your Ex
If you’re struggling with divorce regret, the goal isn’t to ignore those feelings—it’s to understand them. Here’s how to process your emotions and decide what it means for your future.
1. Ask Yourself: Do I Miss Them or Do I Miss Having Someone?
Be brutally honest with yourself. Ask yourself if you’re missing them or the idea of them.
2. Remember Why You Got Divorced in the First Place
If you find yourself romanticizing the past, take a step back and remind yourself of the reasons you left. Write them down. Read old journal entries, messages, or therapy notes if you have them. Chances are, a real pain and dissatisfaction led to your decision. Don’t let nostalgia rewrite history.
3. Accept That It’s Okay to Feel Conflicted
Divorce is not black and white. You can miss them but not go back to them.
4. Work on Rebuilding Your Own Life
One of the biggest challenges after divorce is figuring out who you are outside of the relationship. If you’re feeling lost, focus on:
Exploring new hobbies and passions
Strengthening friendships and social connections
Setting goals for your personal growth
Trying therapy to process your emotions in a healthy way
The more you invest in yourself, the less space you’ll have for longing for what was.
5. If You’re Considering Reconnecting, Be Honest About Why
For some people, missing an ex means they need closure. For others they may need some more time to reflect and ask these types of questions:
Am I hoping to rebuild something meaningful, or am I just seeking temporary relief from loneliness?
Have we changed in ways that would make the relationship healthier this time?
Would going back lead to more happiness or more of the same patterns?
Talking with a therapist can help you process your emotions before deciding if the answer is unclear.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone in This
Divorce isn’t a simple as “good decision” or “bad decision.” Missing someone doesn’t mean you should have stayed, as missing someone, especially when you loved them, makes it hard to move forward. Give yourself grace as you process these feelings.
And remember—just because you miss someone doesn’t mean they’re meant to be in your future. Sometimes, the most challenging part of divorce is accepting that missing them is just part of the process, not a reason to return.
