Feelings Are Not Facts: A Therapist's Guide
You’ve probably heard the phrase “feelings are not facts.” It’s catchy, almost too simple—but it holds a lot of wisdom.
Our emotions are deeply personal. They show up fast, hit hard, and shape how we see the world. But while feelings are valid, they aren’t always telling us the full story.
Especially for neurodivergent individuals—those with ADHD, Autism, or anxiety disorders—our emotions can feel extra intense, fast-moving, or overwhelming. And when we’ve spent a lifetime receiving negative feedback for how we process or express emotions, it’s easy to mistake them for absolute truth.
Let’s unpack what this phrase really means, and how you can start building more emotional clarity—without invalidating your lived experiences.
Emotions Are Real, But Not Always Reliable
Emotions are messages. They show up to tell us something important: a need, a boundary, a memory, a fear. But they are subjective messages—filtered through our past, our nervous system, our sensory experience, and our current stress levels.
For example: Let’s say you meet someone new and instantly feel like they dislike you. That emotion is real—it deserves attention. But is it a fact? Not necessarily.
Maybe they were distracted, tired, or socially anxious themselves. But because your nervous system registered discomfort or threat, your brain filled in the blanks with a story: “They don’t like me.”
The Neurodivergent Lens: Why This Is Especially Tricky
If you’re neurodivergent, you’ve likely experienced social rejection, misunderstandings, or being told your reactions were “too much.” Those experiences do shape how you interpret current interactions.
So when you feel like you’re being judged, ignored, or rejected, it’s not random—it’s connected to something. But it may not be what’s happening in the moment.
This creates what I call an emotional feedback loop:
You sense something is off.
Your body reacts.
Your brain starts constructing a story based on past experiences.
That story shapes your next actions—and often creates more distance, more doubt, more distress.
Recognizing this loop doesn’t mean dismissing your emotions. It means gently asking, “What else might be true here?”
Emotions vs. Facts: What’s the Difference?
Let’s break it down.
Emotions:
Are internal experiences (sadness, fear, anger, shame)
Can be intense and inconsistent
Are influenced by past trauma, neurobiology, and sensory input
Help us understand our values, needs, and wounds
Facts:
Are observable and objective
Can be verified regardless of emotional state
Stay consistent over time
Help ground our decisions in reality
Both matter. But confusing one for the other can lead to misunderstandings, anxiety spirals, and unnecessary conflict.
Anxiety and Emotional Reasoning
Anxiety has a sneaky way of turning feelings into “evidence.”
Imagine your manager walks past your desk without saying hello. If you live with anxiety, your brain might quickly jump to:
“They’re upset with me.”
“I did something wrong.”
“I’m failing.”
None of those are facts. But the feeling of fear or self-doubt can become so strong that it feels true. And then your whole day gets filtered through that emotional lens.
This is known as emotional reasoning—believing something must be true because it feels true. It’s common, it’s human, and it’s something we can learn to question.
Why It’s Hard to Separate the Two (Especially with ADHD & Autism)
Neurodivergent brains often process and respond to emotions differently. For example:
Emotional intensity (especially in ADHD) can amplify reactions.
Autistic masking may lead to suppressing emotions until they explode.
Sensory sensitivities can make small moments feel huge.
We might also have trouble naming emotions clearly, or articulating them in the moment. That doesn’t make the emotion any less valid—it just makes it harder to decode.
So when we say “feelings aren’t facts,” we’re not saying “don’t feel that.” We’re saying:
Let’s get curious.
Let’s slow down.
Let’s check whether what you’re feeling is also what’s happening.
How to Gently Separate Feelings from Facts
This takes practice. Here are some therapist-recommended strategies:
1. Name the Feeling
Start by asking: “What am I feeling right now?” Use specific words. (Not just “bad” but “rejected,” “overwhelmed,” “unseen.”)
2. Pause and Reflect
Give yourself a moment before reacting. Feelings are fast—facts take time. Pause. Breathe. Ask yourself what else might be true.
3. Look for Evidence
Ask, “What facts support this thought?” Then ask, “What facts don’t?” This helps balance emotional reasoning with reality testing.
4. Contextualize the Reaction
Ask, “Have I felt this before in other situations?” You may be reacting not just to now—but to years of similar feelings.
5. Use a Reality Filter
Instead of saying “This feeling is wrong,” try: “This feeling is one piece of data. What else do I know about this situation?”
Neurodivergent Insight: Honoring Your Experience, Not “Gaslighting” Yourself
For neurodivergent folks, the idea of questioning your thoughts can feel like self-gaslighting. And that’s a valid concern. You’ve likely been misunderstood or dismissed before.
That’s why this process isn’t about denying your truth. It’s about expanding it. It’s saying: “This feeling matters. And I want to make space for other possibilities, too.”
Think of it like sifting sand. You’re not throwing everything out. You’re gently shaking the sifter to see what’s emotion, what’s memory, and what’s fact.
When Feelings Become Facts: The Risks
If we live as though every emotion is a fact, we risk:
Making fear-based decisions
Damaging relationships through assumptions
Reinforcing negative self-beliefs
Fueling anxiety and burnout
Over time, we may begin to mistrust ourselves or others, isolate, and struggle with self-esteem.
Healthy Alternatives: What to Practice Instead
Instead of jumping to conclusions, try:
Curiosity: “What else might be happening here?”
Compassion: “This feeling is hard. What do I need right now?”
Collaboration: Talk it out with someone who knows your story and won’t minimize your feelings.
Grounding: Return to the present. What’s real right now? What do you know versus what you fear?
Final Thoughts: You Can Feel Deeply Without Getting Lost in It
If you’ve ever felt like your emotions are taking over—or if you’ve been told you’re “too sensitive”—please know this:
Your emotions are not the problem. You feel because you care. You react because you’ve been hurt. You overthink because you want to get it right.
And none of that makes you broken.
Learning to separate feelings from facts isn’t about dulling your emotions. It’s about creating enough space to choose your response, instead of reacting on autopilot.
Especially for neurodivergent minds, this work is nuanced. It requires grace, patience, and support. But it can absolutely be done.
You can validate your emotions and fact-check them. You can care deeply and question your assumptions. You can honor your story and write new ones.
If that’s something you’re working on—I’m right here with you.
