Holding Two Truths: Loss and Hope in Donor Conception

Feb 4

Written By A G

Choosing donor conception is a personal and emotional decision. It offers hope, possibility, and the chance to build a family after infertility. Still, it also comes with a profound shift that involves letting go of a genetic connection to your child.

For many, this shift brings a mix of emotions. You might feel relief at finally having a path forward but also grief for the biological connection you had always imagined. You might feel excitement about growing your family and uncertainty about how this choice will shape your relationship with your future child.

These emotions don’t cancel each other out—they can exist side by side. Grieving the loss of genetics doesn’t mean you aren’t fully embracing donor conception. It simply means allowing yourself to process the emotions that come with this transition so you can move forward with clarity, confidence, and peace.

The Emotions

It’s easy to minimize the emotions that come with using a donor. You may think, “I should be grateful for this option.” Or maybe you’ve heard well-meaning but dismissive comments like, “It doesn’t matter; you’ll love them just the same.”

But grief doesn’t work that way.

Letting go of a genetic connection is an actual, valid loss—one that can bring unexpected feelings, including:

A sense of disconnection from your family’s biological lineage.
Worries about whether you’ll feel fully bonded with your child.
Anxiety about how others will react or if your child will feel different.

Ignoring these feelings or trying to push them aside won’t make them go away. Processing them, honoring them, and permitting yourself to grieve will.

How to Work Through the Grief of Genetic Loss

Give Yourself Space to Feel It

Grief isn’t something to “get over.” It’s something to move through. And part of that process is allowing yourself to sit with the emotions—even the hard ones.

This might mean:

Journaling about what this loss feels like for you.
Talk with a therapist or support group about your experience.
Simply acknowledging that feeling sadness, frustration, or uncertainty is okay. Remember that feeling grief doesn’t mean you’re making the wrong decision.

Reframing What It Means to Be a Parent

Genetics are just one small piece of what makes a family. What truly defines parenthood isn’t biology—it’s love, presence, and the everyday moments that shape a child’s life.

Think about the parents you know. Do you measure their love by their DNA? Probably not. Instead, you see their bond—the way they show up for their children, nurture and care for them, and provide love and stability. Parenthood is about so much more than genes.

Strengthening Your Connection with Your Future Child

One common fear among intended parents using donor conception is, “Will I feel like this child is truly mine?”

It’s a valid concern, but research—and the experiences of thousands of donor-conceived families—shows that bonding has nothing to do with biology. It happens through:

Feeling your baby move inside you (if using donor eggs or embryos).
Holding them in your arms for the first time.
Responding to their needs, comforting them, and watching them grow.

These moments are what create a deep, lasting connection—not genetics.

Deciding How to Talk About Donor Conception with Your Child

A big part of processing genetic grief is also thinking about how your child might process it in the future. Some parents worry, Will my child feel different? Will they struggle with identity? Will they resent not having a genetic link to me?

While every child’s experience is unique, studies suggest that children who grow up knowing their donor conception story from an early age adjust well and feel secure in their identity.

How to Approach This Conversation

Start early. Talking about donor conception from a young age makes it a natural part of their story.
Use age-appropriate language. Books and simple explanations like, “Mom and Dad needed a little help to have you, and we had a special person who made that possible,” can be a great starting point.
Create an open and loving space for questions. Let your child know they can ask about their origins whenever they want, without hesitation or discomfort.

Honesty and openness help children feel confident about where they came from and secure in the love their parents have for them.

Navigating Family and Social Reactions

Another challenge of embracing donor conception is managing how others might react.

You might have family members who struggle to understand your decision. You might worry about whether to tell people at all or how to handle unsolicited opinions.

Here’s the truth: This is your family, story, and decision. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

How to Set Boundaries and Protect Your Emotional Well-Being

Decide who you feel comfortable sharing with. You don’t have to tell everyone, only those who will be supportive and respectful.
Have a simple, confident response ready. If someone questions your choice, something like “We’re incredibly grateful for this opportunity to grow our family, and we wouldn’t change a thing” can help shut down further probing.
Remember that people’s reactions are about them, not you. If someone struggles with your decision, it’s often because of their own biases or misunderstandings. That’s not your burden to carry.

Embracing the Path Ahead

Grieving the loss of a genetic connection and embracing donor conception are not opposing forces. They are part of the same journey.

It’s okay to feel both sadness and gratitude, both loss and excitement. The key is giving yourself the time and space to process, so that when you move forward, you do so with peace and confidence.

Your child—whether conceived through donor eggs, sperm, or embryos—will not love you less because of genetics. And you will not love them any less either. Love is built in the everyday moments, in the small gestures, in the deep commitment that makes someone a parent.

If you need support in processing these emotions, you don’t have to do it alone.

Finding Support Through Sagebrush Counseling

whether it’s grieving genetics, working through identity concerns, or preparing to talk to your future child about their story—Sagebrush Counseling is here to help.

We specialize in infertility counseling, third-party reproduction support, and helping individuals and couples navigate the emotional layers of building a family through donor conception.

Reach out today to schedule a session and take the next step toward emotional clarity, healing, and confidently embracing the future.

A G