Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships with a Partner Who Has HPD
When one partner has Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), challenges in relationships can feel overwhelming especially when you don’t know a lot about the disorder. Partners with HPD may display intense emotions, a need for constant attention, or unpredictable behaviors, making it hard to navigate and unsure how to have a healthy relationship. Knowing what histrionic personality disorder is and how it shows up in relationships is the first step.
What Is Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)?
First introduced in 1980, Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) was officially recognized as a diagnosable condition with its inclusion in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III). and the DSM-5 by:
A strong need for attention and approval
Rapidly shifting emotions
Exaggerated emotions
Difficulty maintaining stable relationships
Theatrical behavior
Reward dependence
These traits can create tension as partners struggle to feel heard, respected, or emotionally secure. HPD is considered a cluster B personality type (discussed below).
Personality Disorder Clusters in Simple Terms
The DSM-5-TR groups personality disorders into three clusters: A, B, and C. Each cluster includes disorders with similar traits, behaviors, and thought patterns.
Cluster A: This group includes personality disorders with odd or eccentric traits, such as paranoid, schizoid, and schizotypal disorders. Often wanting to be alone and hard to build close relationships.
Cluster B: This cluster includes disorders with dramatic, emotional, or unpredictable behaviors, like histrionic (HPD), antisocial, borderline, and narcissistic personality disorders. People in this group often act impulsively, experience intense emotions, and have difficulty maintaining stable relationships.
Cluster C: Disorders in this cluster are characterized by the DSM as anxious and fearful traits, such as avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders. A strong desire for perfection is here.
Keep in mind there are ongoing studies and understanding of this medical model, and not everyone “fits” perfectly into clusters of these personality disorders. It is continuing with research and experience.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Boundaries are important in relationships because they are one of the many building blocks of what makes a relationship grow and thrive. Here are some reasons:
Encourage emotional safety by establishing what your expectations are
Encourage mutual respect between partners
Protect your mental health by preventing emotional burnout
When dealing with a partner who has HPD, boundaries create space to heal and thrive in the space you create for yourself and your relationship.
Steps to Set Healthy Boundaries
1. Understand Your Partner’s Condition
Before setting boundaries, you have to understand where HPD comes from and what we know about HPD:
Separate the person from their behaviors (keep in mind it is a disorder and thought to stem from traumatic childhood or genetics)
Respond with empathy instead of frustration (by maintaining compassion and empathy for your partner)
Avoid personalizing their emotional reactions (their reactions aren’t always to hurt you but because they are hurt)
Take time to read about HPD or get individual counseling or couples depending on your needs.
2. Identify Your Needs and Limits
To set boundaries effectively, you must first know what you need from the relationship. Reflect on:
What behaviors drain you emotionally?
What makes you feel disrespected or overwhelmed?
What is non-negotiable for your mental well-being?
Write these down to clarify your boundaries. If you need space in your relationship, communicate and stick with these boundaries.
3. Communicate Boundaries Clearly and Calmly
Once you know your limits, communicate them to your partner calmly and directly. Use "I" statements to focus on your feelings and needs rather than accusing your partner. For example:
Instead of: “You’re always so dramatic, and it’s exhausting.”
Say: “I feel overwhelmed when emotions escalate quickly. I need us to take breaks during intense conversations.”
Tips for Effective Communication:
Choose a neutral, calm moment to discuss boundaries.
Be specific about what you need.
Avoid criticism or blame.
4. Anticipate Resistance or Emotional Reactions
Folks with HPD struggle with boundaries. This can make it difficult to create boundaries. When telling your partner your boundaries, if they react, you have to be ready to know how to handle this.
How to Handle Emotional Reactions:
Stay firm but compassionate.
Reassure them of your care and commitment.
Repeat your boundaries consistently.
For example, if your partner becomes upset after you set a boundary, you might say, “I understand this is hard for you, but this boundary is important for our relationship. I’m here for you, and we can work through this together.”
5. Practice Self-Care
Being in a relationship with someone who has HPD can be emotionally demanding. Prioritize your well-being to maintain resilience:
Set aside time for yourself to recharge, do individual hobbies, hang out with friends, etc.
Pursue hobbies and interests that bring you joy, keeping your life separate without involving your partner in everything you do.
Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist for individual counseling
Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s how you create healthy relationships.
6. Establish Consequences
Boundaries lose their what they were created for without a consequence.
If your partner interrupts your alone time, you might step away from the conversation until they respect your need for space.
If dramatic public behavior becomes overwhelming, you might leave the situation calmly and reconnect later.
Be Consistent
Follow through on consequences every time.
Specific Boundaries to Consider
Emotional Boundaries
Limit emotional escalation
Protect your mental health
Time Boundaries
Set limits on attention demands
Protect personal time
Social Boundaries
Manage public behavior
Encourage shared decisions
Challenges You May Encounter
Guilt or Self-Doubt
You may feel guilty about setting boundaries, your partner if they have HPD can say you’re uncaring or don’t love them.
Emotional Pushback
Your partner may have more emotions and give you pushback on these boundaries you create.
Inconsistent Enforcement
It’s easy to let boundaries slide at the moment, but this can create confusion. Consistency is where you can show you mean the boundary.
When to Seek Counseling
Doing this isn’t easy and that is where counseling comes to play. It can help with:
Help you navigate having a partner with HPD in individual counseling
Couples counseling for you and your partner to work on boundaries and communication
Teach strategies for conflict resolution
Provide support for both you and your partner
Improve your connection
Couples Counseling for HPD
At Sagebrush Counseling, we know when one partner has HPD this can be difficult and many issues can ensue. We are here to help you and your partner have a healthier relationship because creating healthy relationships isn’t always easy when one partner has HPD. Learn more on how we can help by visiting our services page or contacting us.
