How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
"If you spend your life pleasing others, you spend your life." – Cheryl Richardson
For a long time, I thought that being a “good person” meant keeping everyone happy—even if it cost me my own peace. I said yes when I wanted to say no. I apologized when I hadn’t done anything wrong. I shaped myself into whatever version others needed, because deep down, I believed being liked was the only way to feel safe.
But people-pleasing isn’t kindness. It’s self-abandonment with a smile.
As a therapist—and as someone who’s done the work myself—I want to walk you through what helped me stop people-pleasing and start showing up more fully as me. These aren’t overnight fixes. They’re practices. And they’re worth it.
1. Letting Go of the Performance
I used to think: If I just do everything right, no one will leave. No one will be upset. But living that way is exhausting. People-pleasing often starts as a survival skill—especially for those of us who were praised for being the “easy kid,” the helper, or the peacekeeper.
I had to learn that I could be my full, messy, honest self and still be loved. That not everyone’s approval was required for me to be okay.
Now? I give myself permission to be real, even if that means not being universally liked.
2. Releasing the Grip of Other People’s Opinions
It’s easy to become addicted to approval. The little hit of dopamine you get when someone compliments you. The relief when no one’s mad. But the truth is, we can’t control how others see us—and trying to is a losing game.
What changed for me was realizing: their opinion is their lens, not my truth.
Someone once told me, “When you seek approval, you’re rejecting the part of you that’s seeking it.” That landed hard. So I started focusing less on how I appeared to others, and more on how I felt about myself.
3. Setting Boundaries Without Apologizing
Saying “no” was terrifying at first. I thought it meant I was being mean or selfish. But what I’ve learned is this: boundaries are how we show people where we end and they begin. They aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about building sustainable, healthy connections.
And here’s the thing: most people handle your “no” better than you think. And the ones who don’t? That tells you something important.
Some go-to phrases I use:
“That doesn’t work for me right now.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I’ll have to pass.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not available.”
Boundaries don’t have to be harsh. They have to be clear.
4. Speaking Up with Compassion and Clarity
I used to swallow my opinions because I didn’t want to rock the boat. But staying silent didn’t make things easier—it made me resentful.
Assertive communication isn’t about being loud or aggressive. It’s about being honest, kind, and direct. It sounds like:
“Here’s what I need right now.”
“I care about you, and I also need space.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
Being assertive is not being rude. It’s being honest.
5. Becoming My Own Best Friend
One of the most significant shifts? Learning to love my own company. I stopped filling every quiet moment with noise or people. I started spending time with myself—not just as an obligation but as a relationship.
I became the person who talks kindly to myself. Who says, “I’m proud of you,” after a hard day. Who lets myself rest without guilt?
If no one else was clapping, I learned to clap for myself.
Real Stories from People Just Like You
“I used to think it was better to be surrounded by people than alone. But now I know—forcing yourself to please others just to be accepted leaves you lonelier than being alone ever could.”
“Growing up, I never learned how to speak up for myself. Now that I’m married, I see how my lack of boundaries hurts the person I love most. I’m trying to unlearn it, but it’s a process.”
“I didn’t expect to get emotional reading this, but every line felt like holding up a mirror. I’ve worn so many masks just to be liked—I’m finally starting to take them off.”
“My therapist once told me, ‘You don’t have to shrink to be worthy of space.’ I didn’t believe it then, but I’m finally starting to feel that truth settle in.”
You Don’t Have to Earn Your Worth
You were never meant to live your whole life walking on eggshells, keeping the peace, and shrinking yourself just to be tolerated.
You are not responsible for how others react to your truth. You are not selfish for taking care of your own needs. You are not bad for letting someone down.
You're just learning how to come home to yourself.
Need help untangling people-pleasing patterns?
I work with clients across Texas ready to stop overgiving, start setting boundaries, and feel good about who they are—even when they say “no.”
Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today.
Let’s work together to help you build the kind of life—and relationships—that don’t require you to abandon yourself.
