“I Know I Deserve Better, But I Still Want Them”
“I know they’re not good for me… but I still want them.”
Sound familiar?
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in this emotional tug-of-war, let me reassure you: you’re not crazy, weak, or broken. You’re human.
This experience—where one part of you knows the relationship is harmful or over, but another part still aches to go back—is so common that therapists have a name for it: cognitive dissonance.
It’s the emotional equivalent of trying to walk in two directions at once. And yes—it’s exhausting.
Let’s explore what causes this brain-heart split, why it’s so hard to resolve, and how to begin untangling it with care.
What Is the Mind-Heart Split?
The “brain-heart split” happens when your logical mind and emotional body are at odds:
Your brain knows the person wasn’t treating you well, that the relationship wasn’t safe or fulfilling.
But your heart—or really, your nervous system, attachment system, and emotional memory—still longs for them.
This isn’t a sign that you’re confused or in denial. It’s a sign that different parts of you are moving at different speeds.
Understanding Cognitive Dissonance in Love
Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term that describes the mental discomfort we feel when we hold two opposing beliefs or desires at the same time.
In relationships, it might sound like:
“I deserve someone who respects me… but I miss the way they used to make me feel.”
“They lied to me, but I still want their approval.”
“I know I should block them, but what if they change?”
Your brain is trying to protect you with facts and logic. Your heart is still chasing the emotional high or the fantasy version of the person.
And both parts are trying to help you—but they’re speaking different languages.
Why You Still Want Them (Even When You Know You Shouldn’t)
Let’s normalize it. Here’s why you might still crave the connection:
1. You’re Grieving the Potential, Not the Reality
You saw who they could be. You had glimpses of goodness, and your brain built a story around it.
Letting go doesn’t just mean losing the person—it means grieving the future you thought you’d have with them.
2. Your Attachment System Was Activated
Even in toxic or unfulfilling relationships, your nervous system forms a bond. Especially if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, that bond can feel like a lifeline.
Breaking it feels like withdrawal—not just emotionally, but physically.
3. The Relationship Gave You Something—Even If It Wasn’t Enough
Maybe it gave you validation, distraction, intimacy, or even a sense of purpose. Craving them doesn’t mean you forgot the pain—it means your brain is scanning for what soothed you.
The Fantasy Is Harder to Let Go Of Than the Person
In therapy, I often hear this: “I miss the way they made me feel.” And that’s real. But sometimes, we’re more attached to the version of ourselves we felt like we could be in that relationship—the hope, the high, the meaning—than we are to the actual person.
It’s okay to grieve the dream. But let’s also make space for the truth.
When Logic Isn’t Enough to Let Go
You may already know they weren’t right for you. You’ve made lists. You’ve vented to friends. You’ve read the red flags over and over.
And yet… you still feel stuck.
That’s because healing is not just intellectual. It’s somatic, emotional, and relational.
The work isn’t about convincing yourself to move on. It’s about helping every part of you—including the wounded, younger, hopeful parts—feel safe enough to let go.
What Helps Bridge the Brain-Heart Divide
Here’s where we start:
1. Validate the Split
Say to yourself, “Part of me knows I deserve better, and part of me still misses them. Both are true.”
Naming the tension removes the shame.
2. Get Curious, Not Judgmental
Ask: What am I hoping they’ll give me? What need are they filling, even just temporarily? Is there another way to meet that need?
3. Honor the Grief
You’re not just letting go of a person—you’re letting go of the story you built. That takes time.
4. Reconnect with Your Worth
This isn’t just about them. It’s about you learning to believe that you are worthy of love that doesn’t hurt, confuse, or deplete you.
Final Thoughts from a Therapist
Wanting someone who wasn’t good for you doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means you’re longing for connection, meaning, and emotional resolution. And that’s human.
But love should never come at the cost of your self-worth.
So if part of you still wants them, be gentle. Let that part grieve. Let it speak. And then, remind it: we are building something better.
You can want someone and still walk away. You can miss someone and still not go back.
If you’re sitting in the split between your brain and your heart, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Therapy is a place where all your parts get to show up—and find a path forward, together.
