Limerence: When You’re Obsessed With Someone Who Might Not Even Know You
You know that feeling when someone’s on your mind all the time? Like, you can’t stop thinking about them—even if you barely know them, or haven’t seen them in weeks?
Maybe it’s someone you had a flirty chat with. Maybe it’s your ex. Maybe it’s a total stranger who smiled at you once and now they’re starring in your daydreams.
If you’ve been there (or you’re there right now), you might be dealing with something called limerence.
It’s not love. It’s not lust. It’s more like a brain loop fueled by fantasy, anxiety, and a lot of hope. And I promise—you’re not the only one who’s been caught in it.
So… What Is Limerence, Really?
Limerence is that feeling when you’re wildly infatuated with someone, often to the point of obsession. It’s like a crush on steroids.
Some signs:
You can’t stop thinking about them
You feel a rush every time they text you—or a pit in your stomach when they don’t
You’ve imagined entire conversations, dates, or futures with them
Your mood depends on how they interact with you
🛋️ As a therapist, I see this a lot—especially with sensitive or romantic people who are craving deep connection. It makes total sense.
Limerence vs. Love vs. Lust (Let’s Keep It Simple)
People often confuse limerence with love or lust, but they’re actually really different experiences.
Limerence is intense and often one-sided. It’s based on fantasy and the idea of someone, not who they actually are.
Love is steady. It grows over time and is built on real, mutual connection. It’s not always flashy—but it’s secure.
Lust is physical. It’s driven by attraction and chemistry. It’s fun, exciting, and doesn’t always lead to deeper feelings.
Here’s the vibe:
Limerence = “I can’t stop thinking about you, even if I don’t really know you.”
Love = “I know you, I like you, and I feel safe with you.”
Lust = “I really want you... physically.”
Real-Life Examples of Limerence
To help it land, here are some everyday situations where limerence shows up:
The Coffee Shop Crush
You see the same barista every morning. They’re friendly and remember your name. Soon, you’re daydreaming about your wedding playlist.
The Ex You Can’t Shake
You broke up a long time ago, but you still check their Instagram, reread old messages, and wonder what would happen if you bumped into them.
The Dating App Spiral
You matched, chatted for a few days, and now you can’t stop refreshing the app—even though they haven’t replied in hours (or days).
The One-Night Magic Moment
You met once, had a long, deep conversation, and now they’re living rent-free in your head. You’re convinced it was fate—even if you haven’t talked since.
If any of this sounds familiar, don’t worry—you’re not weird, and you’re definitely not alone.
Why Limerence Feels So Intense
Honestly? It hits the brain like a drug.
You get little bursts of dopamine (that feel-good chemical) whenever you:
Get a message
Revisit a memory
Imagine what could be
And when that person pulls away or doesn’t respond how you hoped? Crash. Total emotional hangover.
Limerence thrives on uncertainty. It’s the “maybe” that keeps you hooked.
What Keeps It Going
You don’t really know them. The less you know, the more your brain fills in the blanks.
They’re inconsistent. Hot and cold behavior makes you crave the “high” of attention.
You’re lonely or emotionally hungry. (Totally valid, by the way.)
🛋️ In therapy, we talk about how limerence often shows up when something deeper—like feeling unseen or unworthy—is trying to get your attention.
What to Do If You’re Stuck in Limerence
1. Call It What It Is
Once you name it—“This is limerence”—you create space. You’re not just in it anymore. You’re observing it.
2. Pause the Fantasy
Every time you start imagining your future together, gently come back. Ask yourself, “What do I actually know about them?”
3. Give Yourself a Break
Mute their stories. Take time off from checking their profile. Let your nervous system rest.
4. Turn Toward Yourself
What are you really needing right now? Is it validation? Comfort? A sense of purpose? How can you meet some of those needs without relying on this person?
5. Get Support
You don’t have to untangle this alone. Therapy can help you:
Understand where these patterns come from
Build healthier, mutual relationships
Reconnect with your own sense of worth and reality
Limerence Therapy
Limerence is very human. It’s our brain’s attempt to feel special, connected, or chosen—especially if we’ve gone too long without feeling those things.
You’re not broken. You’re not too much. You’re just someone who craves connection—and may have accidentally attached that craving to the wrong person.
And guess what? You can come back to yourself. You can build a love that doesn’t hurt, confuse, or leave you hanging.
If you’re ready to untangle your thoughts, ground yourself in reality, and find connection that’s mutual—I’m here when you are.
