Practicing Self-Compassion: Exercises for Couples (Bonus: Guided Meditation)
Self-compassion is the center of humanness and is often overlooked. Pioneers in self-compassion, such as Kristen Neff, a leading expert in the field, have extensively studied and researched the concept of self-compassion and its benefits for people. Self-compassion is a nurturing practice that benefits emotional resilience and personal well-being.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is treating oneself with the same kindness, concern, and support one would show to a good friend. We often treat ourselves as less than a friend, and this is where self-compassion comes in. Dr. Kristin Neff developed the concept with three main components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. For couples, self-compassion can buffer relationships when hard times, arguments, or life gets in the way. By practicing it when these issues arise, self-compassion will lay healthy groundwork for you to have more compassion for your partner.
According to Neff, self-compassion has three components:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment: Self-kindness is kind instead of critical of yourself. It contrasts with the often harsh way we treat ourselves when things go wrong or when we notice something we don’t like about ourselves.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation: This element of self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience - reread “shared,” as this is important to remember when learning self-compassion. We all go through it rather than something that happens to "me" alone. This helps to differentiate self-compassion from mere self-acceptance or self-love, as it recognizes that feeling inadequate or having a hard time is inevitable and not something that makes one unique.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification: Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it simultaneously. Mindfulness requires that we not be "over-identified" with thoughts and feelings so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.
Neff argues that self-compassion provides emotional strength and resilience, allowing us to admit our shortcomings, motivate ourselves with kindness, forgive ourselves when needed, relate wholeheartedly to others, and be more authentic. Her research has found that self-compassion greatly enhances emotional well-being, reduces anxiety and depression, and can even help maintain healthy habits such as diet and exercise. She emphasizes its role in resilience, noting that people who can soothe and comfort themselves when they’re feeling down are better able to bounce back from life’s challenges.
Dr. Neff also distinguishes self-compassion from self-esteem, noting that while high self-esteem depends on feeling unique and above average, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess certain traits. Self-compassion is a cousin to self-esteem but not self-esteem.
Neff has many exercises on her website to learn more about how to practice self-compassion. There are more resources below, along with books and additional resources.
The Importance of Self-Compassion in Relationships
When practicing self-compassion in a relationship, they are more likely to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and feel closer to their partner. It opens up a way to also express vulnerability with your partner. When we can be nicer to ourselves, we can also be nicer to our partner. It might seem obvious, but it is often overlooked and not discussed as much as it should be in relationships. Additionally, self-compassion promotes emotional resilience, helping partners to bounce back from conflicts without holding on to arguments for hours or days.
Self-compassion is the peanut butter in relationships because it bonds people together in a cohesive way, allowing them to express themselves and receive compassion in return. When individuals practice self-compassion, they develop a greater capacity to accept and understand their flaws and limitations, making them more empathetic and supportive towards their partners. By having self-compassion, your arguments will become less emotionally charged and more about understanding what your partner is feeling and not just about what you are feeling. It also encourages partners to manage stress and emotional fights more resiliently. By creating self-compassion in your relationship, both partners can enhance their emotional capacity for their partner and themselves and deepen the emotional intimacy of the relationship, creating a stronger, more secure relationship.
Exercises for Cultivating Self-Compassion in Couples
1. Shared Meditation for Self-Compassion
Meditation can be a powerful tool for mindfulness and self-compassion. Couples can set aside time each day or week to meditate together, focusing on intentions of kindness towards themselves and each other.
Exercise:
Sit together in a comfortable, quiet space (below is a mediation to try).
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to center yourselves.
One partner can lead by reading aloud or recalling a guided self-compassion meditation focusing on breathing, acknowledging feelings, and extending kindness to oneself and the partner.
Guided mediation to try:
Time: 15-20 minutes
You'll Need:
A quiet, comfortable space where you both won't be disturbed.
Cushions or chairs where you can sit upright comfortably, on the floor, or in a comfortable spot in your house works.
If you’d like music, try a soft, soothing sound in the background; it is totally optional!
Instructions:
Setup:
Sit facing each other in a comfortable seated position, close enough to hold hands if you want. Touch can be a way to connect during this time, but it isn’t necessary.
Begin by setting an intention for your partner for the session. For example, "May this meditation help us cultivate kindness towards ourselves and each other."
Begin with Deep Breathing:
Close your eyes and take a deep breath together. Inhale slowly through your nose, then exhale gently through your mouth.
Spend a few minutes syncing your breathing, allowing your body to relax with each breath.
Focusing on Self-Kindness:
Continue to breathe deeply and, on each exhale, mentally repeat the phrase, "May I be kind to myself."
Visualize warmth and kindness flowing from your heart and spreading throughout your body with each repetition.
Acknowledging Common Humanity:
After a few minutes, shift your focus slightly and together reflect on how everyone experiences difficulties and suffering.
Silently repeat, "Just like us, others feel this way. We are not alone in our struggles."
Feel a sense of connection to each other and others worldwide who are also working through their own challenges.
Practicing Mindfulness:
Gently bring your attention to any discomfort, tension, or distress in your body or mind. Acknowledge these feelings without judgment.
Together, silently acknowledge these sensations and emotions by thinking, "This is a moment of suffering," which is a fundamental part of the human experience.
Offer compassion to each other by thinking, "May we accept and find peace in our suffering."
Closing the Meditation:
Gradually bring your awareness back to the room.
Open your eyes when you feel ready and share a smile or a gentle touch to acknowledge your shared experience.
Discuss briefly what you felt during the meditation. Was it difficult or soothing? Did you notice any resistance to being kind to yourself?
Reflection:
End with a few minutes of casual conversation about how this practice can be incorporated into daily life. Discuss the benefits of responding to each other with compassion during stress or disagreement.
2. Journaling Together
Writing can help think about thoughts and feelings more clearly and allows couples the chance to explore the topic of self-compassion practices together.
Exercise:
Set a regular schedule to sit down and write in your journals. You can choose prompts such as “What am I grateful for about myself today?” or “How can I be kinder to myself?”
After journaling, share your reflections with your partner. This gives each partner time to share and understand each other.
3. Developing a Compassionate Language
The words couples choose to use with each other can significantly impact their relationship’s emotional connection.
Exercise:
Make a conscious effort to use compassionate and supportive language, even during disagreements.
Compliment each other genuinely and often, not just on achievements but for personal qualities like kindness or a sense of humor.
4. The Self-Compassion Break
This quick exercise can be beneficial during times of stress or conflict.
Exercise:
When feeling overwhelmed, each partner takes a moment to step back and breathe.
Acknowledge the distressing feeling, remind yourselves that suffering is a part of life, and then offer yourselves kindness and understanding.
5. Common Humanity Conversations
Recognizing that you aren’t alone in difficulties and have a partner to lean on.
Exercise:
Have regular conversations about challenges you face individually and as a couple.
Discuss how these are part of a common human experience, which can help to lessen feelings of isolation or abnormality.
Learn More About Self-Compassion in Relationships
Practicing self-compassion as a couple isn’t just about improving individual well-being; it’s also about strengthening your bond. Integrating these exercises into your routine will help your relationship become better, create emotional resilience, and create a more supportive and understanding relationship. Self-compassion is ongoing and doesn’t stop with an exercise or after reading a book, but it can be implemented in your daily routine and conversations with your partner.
Additional Resources
For those looking to deepen their understanding of self-compassion and its benefits in relationships, consider exploring books such as "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Dr. Kristin Neff and "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher Germer. Below are a few great books on the subject. If you want to dig deeper into self-compassion for yourself or your partner, there are online workshops and retreats, or if you prefer to work individually, read books or posts like this one. There are many ways to grow and expand on this topic, as it is the foundation of good relationships, builds trust, and enhances and strengthens relationships.
Books on Self-Compassion
"Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Dr. Kristin Neff
"The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions" by Christopher Germer
"Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach
"Self-Compassion Step by Step: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff
"Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive" by Kristin Neff
Schedule a Couples Counseling Session for Self-Compassion
Practicing these exercises with your partner will help enhance your relationship and show each other compassion which is the center of relationships along with kindness, empathy and understanding. If you’re seeking more ways to learn self-compassion for yourself or your partner, reach out to us to schedule an individual or couples counseling session.
