Stages of a BPD Relationship

The stages of BPD can be broken down to 7 stages. Each stage can be slightly different in relationships and you may notice a patter when reading over the stages below. If you’re in a BPD relationship currently or have been in one in the past, gaining an understanding of what it means to be in a BPD relationship can be helpful for healing as this can be a source for trauma in individuals who have dated or married someone with BPD.

First Stage of a BPD Relationship: Attraction and Idealization

The first stage is intense in a BPD relationship. You may experience your new love interest mirroring you to create a deeper connection. A BPD partner may copy your mannerisms and things that you like because they want to win you over. The first stage is filled with undivided attention and can be seen as lovebombing. The issue here is the version of the BPD person they are displaying isn’t the real version of themselves. They are showing you what you want to see. It isn’t real as this is an act to get you to like them and fall for them. You may also hear from them how bad their exes were and how you’re perfect and nothing like their exes. During this honeymoon phase, lasting around 4-6 months.

Second Stage of a BPD Relationship: Intense Neediness and Attachment

As the relationship progresses it moves into the second stage of neediness. A person with BPD may call obsessively or text you constantly, wanting reassurance. If you don’t respond right away they may take this as being unloved and it can damage their self-esteem. A constant need for attention is demonstrated in the second stage. Another feature here is they can be overly sensitive to criticisms. Once the BPD individual becomes attached, which can happen quickly, they feel an intense emotion of abandonment. Their partner or new love interest may not even realize they are pushing their triggers. It can be a simple, “you didn’t respond to my text right away” that is a trigger. The other person in the relationship may not realize they triggered this fear in them. During the phase of attachment, they may try to isolate you from friends and family. You may also notice changes in their behavior and you being under a microscope. If you say something wrong or look the wrong way, they will tell you how bad of a person you are or how you are damaging their feelings. The BPD person has an intense fear and this leads into the fourth stage.

Third Stage of a BPD Relationship: Withdrawing

A person with BPD withdraws to get a reaction from their partner to manipulate them because of the BPD individual being afraid of abandonment. To regulate a BPD strong emotions and insecurities, they may start arguments to get their partners attention or ignore their partner for days to get a response and get a reaction. The reaction they get helps regulate them short-term.

Fourth Stage of a BPD Relationship: Devaluation

BPD partners put their partner on a pedestal and this happens at the beginning of the relationship. By the fourth stage, devaluing happens if the third stage efforts don’t work. The fights intensify and are frequent. This intensity is why most relationships with BPD don’t work.

Fifth Stage of a BPD Relationship: The Breakup

BPD person will disappear and leave the relationship. The relationship might feel too “easy” for them or it could simply be the relationship wasn’t meeting their needs. A borderline person may leave without notice or even a breakup conversation. It can happen out of nowhere. During this stage, the person may even accuse the partner of having a disorder. During the breakup phase, you may notice a push/pull dynamic. Of stay with me, don’t leave to leave I hate you type of dynamic.

Sixth Stage of a BPD Relationship: Repair

After time has passed, the BPD partner might come back. You may receive phone calls, texts, etc. in order to repair the relationship. The BPD partner will tell their lover they want to come back and it was all their fault, by taking the blame to start the process over again. Many promises are made during this stage.

Seventh Stage of a BPD Relationship: The Cycle Repeats Itself

The last stage is the cycle repeating and going back to stage one. Every case and situation of BPD is different. One relationship may look a little different than another. These seven stages are for educational purposes. There may be a stage that is blended together or one that is skipped over. BPD relationships tend to have cycles. To overcome common triggers in BPD relationships, both partners need to know how to manage these triggers. If they aren’t managed, constant triggers such as gaslighting, intense manipulation, anger and outbursts will intensify causing a breakup to happen which can be volatile and heated.

Healing from a BPD Relationship

If you’re in a BPD relationship and unsure what to do next, reaching out for counseling can be your first step in better understanding BPD and relationship patterns. When experiencing the stages, feeling out of control from being manipulated and gaslit can increase feelings of guilt, shame, frustration, sadness, shame, among others that is detrimental to mental health and well-being. If you recently left someone with BPD or they broke it off with you, finding help can help future relationships by recovering from the manipulation. Many people when getting out of a BPD relationship tend to feel lost, emotionally drained and afraid to start anything new because of what they went through.

Commonly Asked Questions About BPD in Relationships

Borderline personality disorder may overlap with other disorders and can be commonly misdiagnosed. Women tend to get this diagnosis more than men but men tend to be under diagnosed or misdiagnosed. Borderline can be seen as disorganized attachment, narcissistic and present symptoms of PTSD or CPSTD. It is imperative to find a therapist that has specialized training when seeking counseling for BPD as an individual or a couple.

What are BPD individuals like in relationships?

Borderline individuals are constantly needing their needs to be met. When their needs aren’t met (to them) they can act out in the form of mood swings, anger and crying spells. Borderline individuals have a fear that their partner will leave them and this stems from them feeling abandoned and rejected. There can also be increased cheating from the fears of abandonment and attachment issues.

What causes BPD?

BPD cause is still unknown. The main idea about BPD is that it typically stems from adverse childhood experiences and neglect growing up. There are also studies on it being genetic and neurological. Most therapists and psychologists tend to lean to it being more environmental but there can be a multitude of factors of what causes it.

How can I support my partner with BPD?

Support comes with education first and foremost. Without understanding what BPD is, it can be hard to support a loved one with BPD. Other ways to support are: patience, healthy boundaries, encouragement, communicating honestly and openly and joining support groups with others who are in a similar experience.

What should someone do if they think they have BPD?

Seeking help from a mental health professional who specializes in BPD. An accurate diagnosis and treatment plan to move toward a direction on getting help.

Is BPD treatable?

BPD is treatable and manageable with the right support and help. To treat BPD many mental health counselors use Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

How can I take care of myself while supporting a partner with BPD?

Self-care is important and when dating or married to someone with BPD, finding time for self-care to keep yourself from being emotionally drained. Setting boundaries with your partner. Seeking therapeutic support and taking time for yourself to recharge.

Can BPD symptoms be managed in a relationship?

Both partners have to work on communication and healthy boundaries in the relationship for it to work. There are plenty of couples who can maintain a healthy relationship when one person has BPD. Couples therapy and individual therapy for both the partner with BPD and the other partner to work on creating these healthy boundaries and emotional stability.

What are “flying monkeys” in BPD?

The term flying monkeys can be used with abusive relationships such as BPD or narcissistic personality disorder. The historical context of flying monkeys originated from The Wizard of Oz. The wicked witch of the west used flying monkeys to do her dirty work. In psychology, it refers to individuals who are manipulated or used as a target. The person who has BPD may use flying moneys e.g., family or friends to reinforce their belief systems making the targeted person doubt their own reality.

What is the average length of a BPD relationship?

BPD relationships can be hard without the right support and treatment. According to a 2014 study, the average span of a BPD relationship is 7.3 years. There are plenty of couples who stay together longer and some shorter.

Schedule a Session Today to Heal from a BPD Relationship

Whether you’re getting out of a BPD relationship or in one and looking for help, we are here every step of the way. Specializing in relationships and helping those who have loved ones and partners with personality disorders such as BPD. Finding a counselor that understands your situation and can help you move through it. Contact us or schedule a session to learn more about our counseling services.