What Not to Say to Someone with Relationship OCD
"What if I’m with the wrong person?"
"Do I really love my partner?"
"Why do I keep doubting my relationship?"
For people with Relationship OCD (ROCD), these intrusive thoughts aren’t just passing worries—they are relentless, distressing, and often lead to compulsive behaviors like seeking reassurance, overanalyzing feelings, or avoiding relationships altogether.
If you have a loved one with ROCD, you might feel unsure about how to support them, especially when they express overwhelming doubt or anxiety about their relationship. While well-intended, certain phrases can unintentionally fuel their distress, reinforce compulsive patterns, or invalidate their experience.
As a therapist specializing in relationships and mental health, I want to highlight what NOT to say to someone struggling with ROCD—and what to say instead to provide real support.
1. "If you’re doubting your relationship this much, maybe it’s a sign it’s not right."
Why It’s Harmful:
People with ROCD already obsessively worry that their doubts mean something is wrong. This statement reinforces their biggest fear, sending them further into overanalysis and compulsions rather than helping them manage their anxiety.
What to Say Instead:
"Doubt and anxiety don’t always mean something is wrong. ROCD makes these thoughts feel urgent, but they don’t define your relationship."
This response validates their struggle while reminding them that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of OCD, not a reflection of reality.
2. "You just need to trust your gut!"
Why It’s Harmful:
ROCD causes intense difficulty in distinguishing between intrusive thoughts and real intuition. Telling someone to “trust their gut” can increase their distress because they feel like they can’t trust their own mind.
What to Say Instead:
"ROCD makes it hard to know what’s fear and what’s intuition. You don’t have to solve every thought—sometimes, it’s okay to let it pass."
This response reassures them that they don’t need to engage with every thought and that they’re not broken for struggling with doubt.
3. "But your partner is great! Why are you even questioning this?"
Why It’s Harmful:
People with ROCD often feel guilty about their doubts. Telling them how wonderful their partner is can make them feel even worse for struggling. They already know their partner is great—that’s why their intrusive doubts are so distressing.
What to Say Instead:
"It’s not about your partner—it’s about how OCD makes your thoughts feel urgent and real. You’re not a bad person for struggling with this."
This helps them separate their thoughts from reality and removes guilt from the equation.
4. "Maybe you just haven’t met ‘The One’ yet."
Why It’s Harmful:
The idea of The One is particularly triggering for someone with ROCD. Their obsessive thoughts already revolve around “What if there’s someone better?” or “What if I’m making a mistake?” Phrases like this amplify their fear of making the wrong choice.
What to Say Instead:
"No relationship is perfect, and no feeling is constant. OCD makes you doubt, but that doesn’t mean your relationship is wrong."
This reminds them that doubt doesn’t mean incompatibility, and real relationships aren’t about finding a magical one true love but about choosing to nurture a meaningful connection.
5. "Just stop overthinking it."
Why It’s Harmful:
ROCD isn’t a choice, and people with OCD can’t just stop overthinking. This phrase can make them feel like they’re failing at something simple when, in reality, their brain is wired to overanalyze.
What to Say Instead:
"I know you feel stuck in these thoughts, and I see how hard this is for you. You don’t have to solve every worry to be okay."
This acknowledges their struggle without feeding the compulsion to analyze further.
6. "You just need to be 100% sure before committing."
Why It’s Harmful:
ROCD thrives on the illusion that certainty is possible. The more someone seeks 100% certainty, the more their OCD will demand absolute reassurance, creating an endless cycle of doubt.
What to Say Instead:
"No one ever feels 100% certain all the time. Doubt is part of every relationship, and it’s okay not to have all the answers right now."
This helps them accept uncertainty as normal, rather than something that must be eliminated.
7. "Maybe you just aren’t that into them."
Why It’s Harmful:
Many people with ROCD fear they don’t love their partner enough, even when they deeply do. This statement can reinforce their compulsive fear that their doubts = lack of love.
What to Say Instead:
"Love isn’t just about feeling a certain way all the time—it’s also about commitment, connection, and shared values. Your ROCD makes love feel uncertain, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real."
This response normalizes fluctuating emotions in relationships instead of equating doubt with a lack of love.
Final Thoughts: How to Truly Support Someone with ROCD
If you love someone struggling with Relationship OCD, the best way to help is by:
✔ Validating their distress without reinforcing their compulsions.
✔ Encouraging acceptance of uncertainty rather than offering reassurance.
✔ Reminding them that intrusive thoughts don’t define their relationship or feelings.
✔ Encouraging professional help (CBT and Exposure & Response Prevention are highly effective for ROCD).
ROCD is exhausting, so why support your partner or friend with ROCD and use these tips?
