What to Do If They Want More Commitment Than You Do
Dating Today: When You Want Something Different Than They Do
Let’s be real: navigating modern dating can feel like trying to solve a puzzle with no clear picture. One of the biggest challenges? Mismatched expectations around commitment.
Maybe you're looking for something serious—and keep running into people who just want something casual. Or maybe you're the one who’s content with a low-key connection, but others keep expecting more from you than you can give.
It’s not just frustrating. It’s tender. Emotional. Sometimes even heartbreaking.
As a therapist, I’ve worked with both sides of this experience. And I’ve seen how easy it is to judge, to feel hurt, or to internalize the mismatch as something being “wrong” with you—or with them.
But what if we looked at this with more nuance? What if, instead of assigning blame, we got curious?
Why People Want Different Things (And It’s Not Always About You)
It’s tempting to assume someone who avoids commitment is selfish or emotionally unavailable. And sometimes, sure—that’s part of it.
But not always.
Sometimes people are still healing.
Sometimes they've rebuilt a life they love and aren’t looking to merge it with someone else’s.
Sometimes they’ve reflected deeply and realized they simply prefer autonomy, or slower, more flexible relationships.
And yes—sometimes they genuinely don’t know what they want, or haven’t done the work to communicate it clearly. That’s where things get murky.
So let’s talk about what to do when you and someone you’re dating aren’t on the same page.
If You’re the One Who Wants More
You’re craving something real. Emotional safety. A plan. A future.
You’re not needy or too much for wanting that. You’re allowed to want something that feels stable, clear, and deeply connected.
But when you’re constantly meeting people who say they’re not ready, not looking for something serious, or “just seeing where things go,” it can start to wear on your confidence.
Here’s what helps:
1. Take Them at Their Word (Even If You Hope They’ll Change)
If someone says they’re not ready for more, believe them. You might feel a deep connection. You might see their potential. But if they aren’t offering what you need now, staying in hopes that they’ll change often leads to pain.
2. Honor Your Own Timeline
It’s okay to walk away from a relationship that technically “works,” but leaves you feeling uncertain or emotionally unfulfilled. If you’re consistently anxious about where you stand, it’s probably not the right match.
3. Know the Difference Between Openness and Avoidance
Some people genuinely need time to get to know someone before committing. Others avoid commitment altogether by staying vague. Watch for patterns: Do they show up consistently? Do they care about your needs? Are they emotionally available? That matters more than how fast things move.
If You’re the One Who Wants Less
Not everyone is looking for a traditional relationship. That’s not bad or wrong—it’s just important to be honest about it.
Here’s what helps:
1. Know Why You Want Something Casual
Is it about freedom? Fear? Trauma? Emotional exhaustion? Just where you’re at in life? Being clear with yourself helps you communicate more clearly with others—and avoid giving mixed signals.
2. Be Honest (Early and Often)
It’s not enough to say “not looking for anything serious” in a dating app bio. Conversations about commitment should happen out loud, in context, and ideally early on. Being upfront is respectful—and helps avoid accidental heartbreak.
3. Don’t Pretend You’re More Available Than You Are
Some people enjoy emotional closeness without the label. That’s fine—as long as you’re not letting someone believe you’re heading toward something more when you know you’re not.
Being casual doesn't mean being careless with someone’s feelings.
What About the Middle?
Sometimes the line isn’t clear.
Maybe you thought you wanted something casual, but caught feelings. Maybe they said they wanted something serious, but keep pulling away.
Relationships don’t always fit into neat categories. But here’s a guiding question:
“Do I feel safe, valued, and seen here?”
Whether it’s casual or committed, healthy relationships come with mutual respect, communication, and emotional clarity. If you're confused all the time? That's communication in itself.
How Therapy Can Help
Talking to a therapist—whether individually or as a couple—can help you explore what you really want, how your relationship patterns formed, and how to navigate mismatched dynamics without losing yourself.
Therapy can help if you:
Feel stuck in a cycle of situationships
Struggle to trust your instincts in relationships
Keep hoping people will change, even when they’ve told you otherwise
Feel guilty for wanting less—or ashamed for wanting more
Don’t know what your needs even are anymore
Final Thoughts: Wanting Different Things Doesn’t Make Either of You the Villain
It’s okay to want something serious. It’s okay to want something casual. What’s not okay is pretending you want the same thing when you don’t.
When you approach dating from a place of honesty and self-awareness, you give yourself (and the people you meet) a chance to build something rooted in respect—even if it’s short-lived.
Need a place to sort it all out?
I offer virtual therapy across Texas for individuals navigating modern dating, mismatched commitment, and everything in between.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today. Let’s talk about what you want—and what’s getting in the way.
