What To Do if You've Cheated On Your Partner

And how to begin repairing trust (even if it feels impossible right now)

Let’s be honest: cheating hurts. For everyone involved. If you’ve betrayed your partner’s trust, you're probably feeling a mix of guilt, fear, confusion, shame — and maybe even panic about what happens next.

You might be wondering:

• Should I confess, or keep it to myself?

• Is there any way to fix this?

• Does this make me a terrible person?

The truth is, people cheat for all kinds of reasons — and it’s not always about not loving your partner. That doesn’t excuse the hurt, but understanding what led to the infidelity is part of beginning to heal — both for you and your relationship.

If you’re here, you’re probably not trying to make excuses. You’re trying to make things right. So let’s walk through some steps that can help you do just that.

First, take a breath: You’re human

Cheating doesn't make you a monster — but it does mean something important has been missing or misaligned, either within yourself, in your relationship, or both. If you’re serious about understanding what happened and making amends, you’re already taking a brave step.

Instead of spiraling into guilt or trying to defend your actions, it’s important to stay curious and grounded. What was going on before the cheating happened? What were you needing, feeling, or avoiding?

Do you need to tell your partner?

This is a deeply personal decision. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer here.

Some people believe honesty is always the best policy. Others fear that confessing will cause more harm than good — especially if the infidelity was brief and won’t happen again.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Am I telling them to relieve my own guilt, or to take true responsibility?

• If I don’t tell them, will this secret fester and create distance between us?

• Can I commit to rebuilding trust, no matter what their reaction is?

If you do decide to tell your partner, be prepared to hold space for their emotions — all of them. That means no minimizing, blaming, or explaining it away. Keep it simple and take ownership.

Something like:

“I need to tell you something that I deeply regret. I was unfaithful, and it was a betrayal of your trust. There’s no excuse. I’m here to be honest, take full responsibility, and work on healing whatever comes next — even if that means facing the consequences.”

Expect a range of emotions — and give your partner space

After finding out about an affair, your partner may feel hurt, numb, furious, withdrawn, or all of the above. This isn’t something most people just bounce back from overnight.

It’s tempting to want to fix it immediately — to explain, to promise it’ll never happen again, or to rush to forgiveness. But real healing takes time. Your job right now isn’t to be understood — it’s to listen and validate the impact of your actions.

Be patient. Be accountable. And avoid trying to control their process.

How counseling can help you if you’ve cheated

Even if your partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy (or hasn’t found out yet), individual counseling can help you understand why the infidelity happened, how to move forward with integrity, and what this experience is trying to teach you.

Working with a therapist can help you:

• Explore unmet needs, emotional disconnection, or impulsivity

• Unpack old wounds, attachment patterns, or trauma that may have played a role

• Understand your values more clearly moving forward

• Rebuild self-worth and learn how to earn trust again (starting with yourself)

Sometimes cheating is a symptom of deeper issues you’ve carried long before the relationship started. Counseling gives you a safe place to face those issues honestly and begin to make healthier choices.

Start making amends

If your partner chooses to stay, rebuilding trust is a marathon — not a sprint. You’ll need to show (not just tell) that you’re committed to being emotionally available, transparent, and trustworthy.

That might look like:

• Answering hard questions with honesty (and without defensiveness)

• Giving them full access to your phone or accounts (temporarily, if agreed upon)

• Making counseling a priority — both individually and as a couple

• Owning your actions every time the pain resurfaces (without trying to shut it down)

They may need reassurance often. That’s okay. It’s part of the process.

Be honest about whether you’re both willing to rebuild

Not every relationship can — or should — survive infidelity. Sometimes, one or both people realize they’re not willing or able to do the repair work. That’s not a failure. It’s a reality.

If you do decide to part ways, that doesn’t mean you can’t grow from this. In fact, many people who’ve cheated go on to become more self-aware, more emotionally available, and more honest — with future partners and with themselves.

Final thoughts: You can grow from this

You don’t have to be defined by one mistake. You’re not beyond repair — and neither is your relationship if both of you are willing to heal.

But true repair doesn’t come from promises alone. It comes from action, consistency, and emotional accountability.

If you’re not sure where to start, therapy is a powerful place to begin. It can help you understand what led to the breach, what you want from love going forward, and how to show up differently — no matter what the future holds.

You’re not alone. You’re not broken. And you can rebuild.