Why Do I Miss Them If They Treated Me Badly? A Therapist Explains
You know, it’s one of the most common things I hear in therapy:
“I know they weren’t good for me. But I still miss them. What is wrong with me?”
First, let me say this: nothing is wrong with you. Missing someone who treated you badly doesn’t make you weak, foolish, or broken. It makes you human.
Whether you were in a toxic relationship, experienced betrayal, emotional neglect, or just slowly realized you weren’t being valued—missing them is often part of the process. Even when the relationship was painful.
Let’s explore why this happens and what your brain, body, and heart are trying to do.
The Brain Loves Familiarity (Even When It Hurts)
Your brain is wired for patterns and survival. If you were in a relationship where you felt seen sometimes—but not consistently—that intermittent reinforcement creates a loop.
Think about slot machines. You don’t win every time, but the possibility that you might win keeps you coming back. The same thing can happen in relationships:
One moment, they’re loving and charming.
The next, they’re distant, cruel, or inconsistent.
That “maybe it’ll get better” hope becomes addictive. And even after the relationship ends, your brain still craves the possibility of connection—even if it wasn’t safe.
Dopamine Doesn’t Care if It’s Good for You
When we’re in love—or even just emotionally invested—our brains release dopamine. It feels good. It gives us a hit of connection, validation, or excitement.
But your brain doesn’t always distinguish between healthy and unhealthy sources of dopamine. It just wants more of whatever gave it that high.
So when the relationship ends, you’re not just grieving the person. You’re also experiencing something like withdrawal.
It’s not all in your head—it’s in your nervous system.
You Might Be Missing the Hope, Not the Reality
So many clients tell me they miss the good times. The inside jokes. The way it felt in the beginning. The way they thought things would eventually be.
And I gently remind them: you might be missing the fantasy version of the relationship—not the reality.
It’s okay to grieve the hope. The potential. The version of them you saw glimpses of. But it’s important to remember that hope is not the same as consistency. You deserve love that doesn’t require you to hurt in order to feel chosen.
Attachment Doesn’t Shut Off Overnight
Whether the relationship was secure or not, your attachment system was still activated. Your body got used to their presence. Your routines were shaped around them. Your nervous system still expects them to be there.
Missing someone after they’re gone—especially when they were emotionally significant—isn’t a sign that you should go back. It’s a sign that your body is recalibrating.
And that takes time.
Emotional Neglect Can Make You Crave Closure
If you never got closure—or if the person denied, minimized, or gaslit your experience—it’s normal to feel stuck in the longing.
Sometimes, we don’t miss them as much as we miss the resolution. The understanding. The validation that what happened was real.
And when you don’t get that? Your mind keeps trying to solve the puzzle. Your heart keeps knocking on a door that’s already closed.
This is where therapy can help you give yourself the closure you didn’t receive.
The “Good Times” Might Be Carrying a Lot of Weight
Even in harmful relationships, there are often moments of genuine warmth, joy, or connection. That’s part of what makes leaving—and staying away—so hard.
When we miss someone, we tend to filter for the good:
The one night they made you feel special
The shared traditions or laughter
The version of them that almost felt safe
But here’s the truth: a few good moments don’t erase a pattern of harm. You can honor the good and still choose to protect your peace.
Your Inner Child Might Be Involved
Sometimes, when we miss someone who treated us poorly, it’s not our adult self doing the missing—it’s our younger self.
The child who was ignored, overlooked, or constantly trying to earn love might see that person as another chance to get it “right.” That’s not silly. That’s deeply human.
But healing comes when you start choosing relationships where your inner child doesn’t have to perform, fix, or chase.
Healing Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Miss Them
It’s okay to miss someone and still know they weren’t right for you. It’s okay to miss the connection and still remember the pain. It’s okay to have moments of longing without making it mean you should go back.
Missing someone is a feeling. But you don’t have to turn it into a decision.
How to Move Through the Missing
So what do you do with all these feelings?
1. Name It
Acknowledge the feelings. Say, “I miss them,” without judging yourself.
2. Get Curious
Ask: What exactly do I miss? Is it the person? The feeling? The version of myself I was with them?
3. Validate Your Grief
Even if the relationship was toxic, it’s still a loss. Let yourself mourn.
4. Reconnect with Yourself
Start building a life where you don’t need to be rescued, fixed, or chosen—because you’re already worthy.
5. Consider Support
Therapy can offer a space to unpack all of this without shame or pressure. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
Scheduling a Counseling Session for Relationships
You’re not weak for missing someone who hurt you. You’re not broken for longing for connection. Your nervous system, your memories, your hopes—they’re all still catching up to your choice to walk away (or stay away).
And every time you choose your peace, your worth, your healing—you’re breaking a cycle. You’re creating something new.
You don’t miss them because you’re foolish. You miss them because you cared.
But now, it’s time to start caring for you.
If you’re ready to explore these patterns, make sense of your grief, or learn how to reconnect with yourself—I’m here.
