Books on Attachment Styles

Have you ever noticed how some people seem at ease with closeness, while others pull away—or cling on—for dear life? That’s not just personality. Often, it ties back to your attachment style—a framework for connecting with others, especially in romantic relationships.

And the good news? You can learn about your attachment style, explore where it comes from, and—if needed—reshape your relationship patterns. Books are a fantastic (and often eye-opening) place to start.

So, if you’re wondering:

Why do I feel anxious when someone pulls away?
Why do I crave independence even when I love my partner?
Why do I keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people?

First—What Are Attachment Styles?

Let’s keep it simple. There are four primary attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment – You’re comfortable with closeness and independence. You can ask for what you need and trust that others won’t abandon you.

2. Anxious Attachment – You might crave intimacy and worry that others will leave or stop loving you.

3. Avoidant Attachment – You value independence so much that closeness can feel suffocating.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (or Disorganized) – You want love but fear it simultaneously. This often comes from trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

Best Books on Attachment Styles

Here are some of the top books (therapist-approved!) that can help you understand attachment—and yourself.

1. Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

This is the go-to book for beginners. It's straightforward, eye-opening, and full of real-life examples. You'll likely see yourself—and your past partners—on these pages.

Why people love it: It helps connect the dots between your behaviors and your underlying fears and needs.

2. Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson

This book introduces Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a powerful framework for building stronger, more secure romantic connections. It’s perfect for couples or anyone interested in creating lasting emotional bonds.

3. Polysecure by Jessica Fern

If you're in (or curious about) non-monogamous relationships, this is a must-read. It blends attachment theory with polyamory and explores how to build secure bonds even outside traditional structures.

4. The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller

This book bridges attachment and trauma in a really compassionate way. If your attachment style feels tangled up with past hurt, this book can help make sense of it.

5. Attached at the Heart by Barbara Nicholson & Lysa Parker

While this one leans into parenting, it’s a beautiful read for understanding how attachment develops. If you're a parent, or just curious about the roots of your own style, this is worth a look.

How to Start Learning Your Own Style

Reading the books above is one way—but here are a few gentle places to begin:

• Reflect on your patterns in past relationships. Do you tend to cling, withdraw, overanalyze, or self-sabotage?

• Journal about your childhood bonds. Were your caregivers warm? Unpredictable? Distant?

• Notice your triggers. When do you feel most insecure or reactive in relationships?

• Talk to a therapist. Many therapists use attachment frameworks and can help you explore your patterns safely and non-judgmentally.

• Take an online quiz (just for insight—not a diagnosis). Many attachment quizzes are based on Attached and can offer a starting point.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Yes. Attachment styles aren’t life sentences—they’re patterns. And patterns can shift.

If you grew up with inconsistent love or experienced betrayal, your nervous system might be on high alert. But with support, boundaries, healing, and safer relationships, many people move from anxious or avoidant to more secure attachment over time.

Final Thoughts: Why Attachment Work Matters

Understanding your attachment style isn’t just about fixing relationships. It’s about deepening your relationship with yourself.

When you know what makes you feel safe—or unsafe—you can choose more consciously, love more freely, and stop blaming yourself for things that were never your fault.

So grab a book, highlight what hits home, and begin the journey inward. You don’t have to stay stuck in patterns that hurt.

Need Support?
I offer virtual therapy across Texas for individuals and couples exploring attachment, intimacy, self-worth, and relationship dynamics.

Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today, and let’s begin mapping your way toward secure, connected love.