Signs of Avoidant Attachment in Adults
Many individuals have an insecure attachment style—a whopping 40% of people, and that is an estimate. Our attachment style is part of how we are in relationships and can heavily impact our relationships, either positively or negatively. You might have heard of anxious attachment or secure attachment, but one that is often overlooked is avoidant attachment. Attachment styles are formed in early childhood and depend on how your caregivers raise and treat you. In easy-to-understand terms, attachment styles can be either healthy or unhealthy. Being an avoidant attachment can cause issues in relationships as adults, but you may be wondering, what is it exactly, and do I have an avoidant attachment? Learn more by reading this article on avoidant attachment and how to take steps to healing or, if your partner has avoidant attachment, ways to work toward healthier relationship patterns.
What is Avoidant Attachment?
Have you ever wondered what exactly avoidant attachment is? There are four attachment styles, and avoidant is one of the insecure types, along with disorganized and anxious attachment. Being avoidant may mean wanting to keep independence and self-sufficiency, which can interfere with emotional closeness. Having an avoidant attachment style can be holding back emotions because of the struggle with intimacy and never wanting to get too close; this can feel like you're constantly battling to maintain closeness in relationships.
Characteristics of the Avoidant Attachment Style
Adults who have avoidant attachment styles have strong ties to autonomy and independence and typically don't like relying on others and their partner for help. They take a lot of pride in being self-reliant and being at all dependent can be viewed as weak. Problems are handled without the help of others and showing vulnerability can be difficult. Any conversation that requires emotional aptitude and presence may be hard and instead keeping the conversation at a surface level is more comfortable for individuals with avoidant attachment style. If they start feeling themselves open up more they may breakup with someone or want to run away in relationships because the independence takes over and it is too much for their emotional state.
What to Know About the Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant attachment develops in early childhood may have found it hard to rely on caregivers or parents to provide them with support. If a child had to be overly independent for instance, this attachment style could develop. Another possibility is if parents weren't present as much as they should have been in the childs life. Relying on themselves bringing a more independent upbringing. If a child felt anxious or upset, they had to rely on themselves instead of having a caregiver to rely on and be their support system. Parents that left babies crying in a crib can create this type of attachment style. Attachment styles are developed early on in infancy and early childhood. Another example is if parents aren't enthused or having reactions to positive achievements in a child's life. If a child brought home a report card with all As the parent may be dismissive or assume that is what is expected, leaving the child feeling abandoned in times that should be celebrated. If a parent makes the child feel as though their wins or efforts go unnoticed or they make poke fun at their child for having strong emotions or crying. Saying things like "that isn't somethingn to cry about" or "those are silly things to care about", making the child feeling inadequate or bad for having emotions, having them rely on themselves instead of a support system. A parent may not want to be present emotionally or physically. If a child wants a hug from a parent, they may push them away or disregard affection. Frustration, anger or resentment may get brought up if a child has a problem they are dealing with, eventually leaving the child to fend for themselves and not want to ask for help or support.
Many children who were neglected have this type of attachment style. To keep in mind, some forms of neglect aren't as noticeable and why discussing your childhood in therapy can be important. There are smaller forms of parental rejection such as, missing events, games, wins, losses, etc. that are important for childhood development. When a child is faced with neglect or rejection, they tend to become overly independent and not want to rely on anyone for help when it comes to emotional needs. It may be hard to form strong relationships in adulthood and why its important to work on this attachment style to move toward a secure attachment style.
Signs of Avoidant Attachment
Some common signs of avoidant attachment in adults include:
Difficulty expressing emotions and feelings
Avoiding physical and emotional intimacy
Fear of commitment and long-term relationships
Needing personal space and time alone
Difficulty trusting others
Uncomfortable with vulnerability
Preferring casual or short-term relationships
Fear of being dependent on others
Difficulty asking for help or support
Feeling overwhelmed by intense emotions
There are many signs of avoidant attachment not listed here. Exploring your attachment style in therapy can help the process of healing.
Behavioral Patterns of Avoidant Attachment
Individuals with avoidant attachment tendencies often avoid arguments or, if one occurs in their relationship, want to run far away. This could even mean breaking up or wanting a divorce because the emotional overwhelm is too much for an avoidant attachment person to deal with. Ultimately, having a bunch of unresolved conflicts in their relationship will, over time, lead to resentment and an unfulfilling relationship.
Another typical behavioral pattern is striving for an unattainable perfect relationship that doesn't exist in reality. If they live thinking the perfect person exists and are conflict-avoidant, this can lead to relationships that seem to never meet their expectations. Instead of wanting to resolve the conflict, they run and always seek the next best thing. Loneliness is common among avoidant attachment individuals because they are constantly dissatisfied and never quite have a deep connection because of how they learned to attach. If a relationship starts getting serious, they may want to run from it, perpetuating the cycle of detachment.
How Avoidant Attachment Individuals See Themselves
How does someone with avoidant attachment see themselves? There is a strong sense of independence and an urge to be "free". Serious or long-term relationships are a struggle with someone who has avoidant attachment. Their identity is immersed in wanting to be independent and they are constantly seeking out the perfect person. Behind their seemingly confident and independent self is typically low self-esteem and a loneliness for wanting deep connection. While seeking independence, they may appear not to want long-term relationships or think vulnerability shows weakness while their inner self craves connection and longing. They try to convince themselves that deep connection isn't for them or that they can live without a partner or someone they feel attached and connected to. This sense of self forms a barrier to finding meaningful relationships.
How Avoidant Attachment Affects Relationships
One of the biggest ways avoidant attachment affects relationships is in their interpersonal relationships especially with those they care about the most.
Loving Someone with Avoidant Attachment
Often times, anxious attachment styles are attracted to avoidant types. There is a strong push-pull dynamic that is created here. It doesn’t always happen this way but it is a common theme within relationships. There are many feelings that happen when you care about someone with avoidant attachment, the feeling of frustration, anger, confused, lonely and unloved. If you’re someone with anxious or disorganized attachment, the feelings of abandonment are especially are heightened because the fear of your partner leaving you when conflict arises or if they are moving toward a more serious relationship. Avoidant attachment is a style to overcome and is a culmination of past experiences and childhoods that may have been filled with rejection or neglect. Working through these things can help someone move toward secure attachment either together in couples counselor or individually in individual counseling.
The Push-Pull Dynamic in Relationships
When one partner has avoidant attachment and starts to get too close or conflict arises, they will run and want to avoid closeness at all costs. This creates an unhealthy pattern of pushing and pulling in relationship, similar to a see-saw or tug-o-war with your partner and it can get tiring. If you’re finding yourself in this type of dynamic, seek counseling to improve your relationship.
Avoidant Attachment Triggers and Relationship Patterns
There are triggers that are common when someone with avoidant attachment gets the itching feeling to run away because the feelings are too intense and they don’t want to deal with it.
Feeling suffocated in the relationship
Feeling controlled by their partner
Overwhelmed by emotions
Not having enough personal space or alone time
Being criticized or judged by their partner
Feeling like they are losing their independence
Feeling pressured to commit or open up emotionally
Healing from Avoidant Attachment Style
It is possible to heal from avoidant attachment and work toward a healthy relationship style.
Redefining Independence and Intimacy
Once you start working toward secure attachment, you will redefine what it means to be independent vs dependent on another person. You will learn that emotional closeness doesn’t mean you have to give up your freedom. By balancing your freedom and independence with relationships, you can form deeper connections and long-lasting, healthy relationships.
Mindfulness
Creating mindfulness is a way for you to connect to the present moment and working toward self-awareess of behaviors and patterns.
Challenge Your Negative Beliefs
There are many types of therapy used when overcoming attachment styles, some common and effective ones are ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), we use a wide range of modalities that best work for the client. Challenging your negative beliefs is a form of CBT and can be used when overcoming belief sets that were ingrained from an early age.
Couples Therapy for Avoidant Attachment Style
If you're in a relationship and you or your partner have avoidant attachment style, therapy can provide a welcoming, safe space to work through attachment issues. At Sagebrush Counseling, you will learn to communicate more effectively and understand each other on a deeper level, working toward secure attachment in your relationship. There is a push-pull dynamic in relationships when one person (or both) have avoidant attachment style, this leads to unhealthy patterns and isn't a fulfilling relationship, by working together in couples counseling, you will work toward a healthy dynamic and a better relationship.
Individual Therapy for Avoidant Attachment Style
At Sagebrush, we work with the entire person and their whole picture. This includes childhood, your upbrining and world beliefs. You will discover new parts of yourself and work toward healing and growth. Once getting to the root cause of your attachment style, you will find freedom and healing.
Building Emotional Intelligence
In communicating your needs to your partner and understanding their needs, you’re building a stronger sense of emotional intelligence. If your partner is having a bad day, equipping yourself with a sense of emotions vs running away from it, you will develop a better sense of secure attachment and being able to be there for good and bad times.
Learning to Communicate Your Needs
In learning to communicate your needs with your partner and other relationships in your life, you will find yourself tapping into emotions better. If you find yourself struggling to communicate your needs, journaling or writing down your thoughts can help. There are many ways to journal and it doesn’t have to be conventional with just a pen and paper. You may want to use the notes in your phone, write down your thoughts in a notebook or write a letter to child self. In therapy, you will learn new ways to communicate your need and bring out the emotions that have been tucked away.
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a tool used in therapy for many issues and is at the root of many problems. While working on your attachment style, giving yourself grace and compassion will promote a deeper sense of self and healing.
Therapy for Avoidant Attachment Style
With patience, self-compassion and individual or couples therapy, you can work toward a healthier attachment style and overcome traumas fromy your past, living a life you deserve to live and better relationships. To schedule a session, contact us today.
