Can You Have a Happy Marriage Without Sex?
You’ve probably heard the phrase “sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.” And maybe, early on, that made sense. The passion was there. The spark. The heat. But what happens when the spark fades—or when sex just… stops?
If you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage where sex has slowed down or stopped entirely, you’re not alone. Not even close. And no, that doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed or broken.
Let’s have a real, honest conversation about sex, connection, and what intimacy can look like in different seasons of a marriage—without shame, panic, or pressure.
The Truth: Sexless Marriages Are More Common Than You Think
We don’t talk about it much (because who wants to say “we haven’t had sex in years” out loud?), but a lot of people are quietly navigating this.
In fact, studies show that up to half of all marriages will go through periods of sexlessness, which is typically defined as having sex less than 10 times in a year—or not at all.
That might sound shocking. But when you think about everything life throws at couples—kids, jobs, stress, health issues, aging—it starts to make a lot more sense.
How Sex Changes in Different Stages of Marriage
Let’s break it down. Because sex isn’t static—and neither are you.
The Newlywed Years: Intimacy on Overdrive
This is usually the “honeymoon phase,” where everything feels new, passionate, and exciting. You're discovering each other’s bodies and building emotional connection through physical closeness. It’s normal to have frequent sex—but it’s also normal if you're navigating early challenges like mismatched libidos, performance anxiety, or the adjustment to shared life.
The Early Parenting Years: Sleep-Deprived and Touched Out
For couples with young kids, sex often takes a backseat. Between night feeds, sticky hands, exhaustion, and a total lack of privacy, the idea of romance can feel laughable. Many parents report feeling disconnected or just not in the mood—and it can create a quiet tension if no one’s talking about it.
It’s not personal. It’s survival mode.
The Midlife Shift: Hormones, Stress, and Identity Changes
In your 40s and 50s, your sex life may be influenced by things like:
Hormonal shifts (perimenopause, low testosterone)
Body changes
Work stress or burnout
Emotional distance that’s built up over time
Health issues or medications
This is also a time when people reevaluate their marriages—what they want, what they miss, and whether intimacy is still a priority.
The Retirement Years: Slowing Down—But Not Stopping
Here’s the surprise: many couples report an increase in closeness once they hit retirement. You’re not juggling work schedules, raising kids, or commuting. There’s more time—and less pressure.
That said, sex might not look the way it did before. It might be slower, gentler, or more about emotional intimacy than performance. And for some couples? That shift feels even better than before.
So, Can You Really Be Happy Without Sex?
The short answer? Yes—if both people are okay with it.
Sex isn’t the only form of intimacy. In fact, for many couples, things like:
Cuddling on the couch
Sharing a bed
Holding hands
Deep conversations
Laughing over inside jokes
…mean just as much, if not more.
A sexless marriage can absolutely work when:
There’s emotional connection
There’s mutual understanding (i.e., both partners feel okay about it)
No one’s feeling pressured, rejected, or starved for intimacy
The relationship feels fulfilling in other meaningful ways
When Sexlessness Starts to Hurt
Here’s where it gets tricky: a lot of sexless marriages are not mutual.
One partner may be totally content, while the other feels unwanted, disconnected, or deeply hurt.
That doesn’t mean either person is wrong. But it does mean the silence between you may be growing louder—and it’s time to talk.
Here are some signs that your relationship might be struggling with sexlessness:
You feel rejected, but don’t say anything
You’ve stopped trying, just to avoid getting turned down
Sex feels like a topic you both avoid
There’s growing resentment, shame, or confusion
You miss the emotional connection that physical closeness used to bring
Why People Stop Wanting Sex (It’s Not Always What You Think)
It’s not always about attraction—or lack of love. Some common reasons people lose interest in sex include:
Health issues or chronic pain
Side effects of medications (like antidepressants or hormonal treatments)
Hormonal shifts (especially during menopause or low testosterone)
Emotional shutdown from stress, grief, or trauma
Resentment or unresolved relationship wounds
Feeling more like roommates or co-parents than romantic partners
Body image struggles
Past experiences with rejection, shame, or unwanted touch
Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why desire disappeared. That’s okay. The goal isn’t to place blame—it’s to understand what’s underneath and gently explore what’s possible.
How to Talk About It Without Pressure or Shame
Okay, so you’re not having sex—and it’s bothering one (or both) of you. Now what?
Here’s what helps:
Start the conversation without blame
Instead of:
“You never want sex anymore.”
Try:
“Can we talk about how we’ve been feeling about intimacy lately?”
Let your partner know it’s a safe conversation—not an ambush.
Focus on connection, not just sex
Sometimes, it helps to ask:
“What helps you feel close to me?”
“What does intimacy mean to you right now?”
“Is there anything you miss—or anything that doesn’t feel good anymore?”
Be honest about your feelings
It’s okay to say:
“I miss being close in that way.”
“I feel kind of lonely even though we’re together.”
“I’m not trying to pressure you—I just want to understand.”
Being vulnerable opens the door to real solutions.
Can You Get It Back?
Yes—and no.
Some couples rediscover physical intimacy after years of distance. Others decide they’re okay without sex, but want to bring back touch, playfulness, or emotional closeness. Still others decide to separate or explore alternative arrangements that work for them.
There’s no right answer.
What matters is that both people are seen, heard, and respected. That you’re not quietly suffering or stuffing your needs just to avoid a hard conversation.
Sex After Retirement: A New Kind of Intimacy
For couples in their 60s and beyond, sex may not be what it was—but that doesn’t mean it’s gone.
In fact, many older couples find:
There’s more time for connection
Less pressure to “perform”
More appreciation for physical affection and closeness
A willingness to try new things, or redefine what sex even means
And for those who aren’t interested in sex at all? A deep, joyful relationship filled with touch, warmth, and humor can still be incredibly fulfilling.
You’re Not Broken. You’re Just Evolving
If your marriage doesn’t look like it used to—or like what you see on social media—you’re not doing it wrong. Sex, like everything else in life, ebbs and flows.
The real question isn’t “Are we having enough sex?”
It’s “Are we still connected?”
“Do we both feel loved?”
“Is there room to be honest about what we want and need?”
If the answer is yes—even if things look different now—that’s something to be proud of.
And if the answer is no? That’s not failure. It’s just a signal that something might need tending to. You don’t have to fix it overnight. But you can start the conversation.
Looking for support navigating intimacy changes, communication blocks, or emotional distance in your marriage? At Sagebrush Counseling, I work with individuals and couples who want to reconnect—whether that includes sex or simply a deeper sense of closeness. You don’t have to carry this quietly. Let’s figure it out together.
