Should You Move in Together? The Conversations You Need to Have First
Moving in together is exciting—it’s the late-night cuddles, the shared coffee routines, and the cozy nights spent watching the same show (or pretending to while scrolling your phones). But alongside the sweet stuff comes a whole lot of practical, sometimes awkward conversations that are way easier to have before you start arguing over who forgot to take the trash out.
Here’s a friendly, real-talk guide to the things you and your partner should absolutely cover before signing that lease.
1. Division of Labor: Who Does What (And How)?
Chores aren’t sexy, but resentment sure isn’t either. A lot of couples skip this part, assuming it’ll “just work itself out.” Spoiler: it usually doesn’t.
Ask each other:
What chores do you absolutely hate?
What are your standards for cleanliness? (Be honest: does an unmade bed bother you? Are you okay with dishes in the sink overnight?)
Do you prefer cleaning as you go or having a big cleaning day?
Are you open to hiring a cleaning person if it fits the budget?
You don’t have to split everything 50/50—what matters is fairness, not sameness. If one of you cooks most nights, maybe the other handles dishes. Or if one is naturally messier, the other might take on more cleaning but expect help with groceries or errands in return.
Pro tip: Get specific. “Taking out the trash” might mean bagging it, taking it out, AND putting in a new liner for one person, and just “carrying it to the bin” for the other. Talk about what the full task looks like to avoid frustration.
2. Finances: Budgeting Without the Tension
Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships, and cohabitating brings it to the surface fast.
Here’s what to talk through:
How will you divide rent and utilities? 50/50? Proportionate to income?
Who pays which bills, and how? Do you want a shared account for bills or keep it all separate?
How will you split grocery expenses? (Especially if one of you cooks and eats at home more than the other)
What about “house stuff”? Furniture, lightbulbs, random Amazon purchases, a new blender when the old one dies? Who pays?
Also ask:
How do you each feel about debt and savings?
Are either of you supporting family or making big purchases soon?
What’s your comfort level with “splurging” versus sticking to a budget?
It might feel awkward at first, but clear money convos early on will save you from passive-aggressive Venmo requests down the line.
3. Lifestyle Compatibility (aka: How You Actually Like to Live)
Living together means sharing space, routines, and preferences—and those little differences can become big annoyances if you never talk about them.
Here are some things to cover:
Temperature battles
If one of you loves it icy and the other lives in sweaters, you’ll want to talk thermostat expectations early.
Alone time vs. together time
Are you cool with doing your own thing most nights? Do you want dedicated hangout time during the week? What about weekends?
Sleep habits
Is one of you a night owl? A snorer? A “needs 8 pillows and complete silence” sleeper? Figure out how to make bedtime work for both of you.
Cleanliness and hygiene preferences
Some people need the kitchen cleaned immediately after dinner. Some are fine leaving it until the morning. Some need post-gym showers before touching the couch. Spell out your needs—judgment-free.
Guests and family visits
Do you need a heads-up before friends come over? Are overnight guests okay? How often do you want to visit each other’s families—or have them visit you?
Daily routines
What does your ideal weekday look like? When do you wake up, eat, relax? Knowing how your rhythms overlap (or clash) can help you adjust with kindness.
4. Invisible Labor: The Stuff No One Notices (Until It’s Forgotten)
Beyond dishes and bills, there’s the “mental load”—tracking appointments, remembering to buy toilet paper, replacing the batteries in the remote, RSVPing to weddings, and making doctor’s appointments.
Talk about:
Who keeps track of errands and house supplies?
Who handles “admin” tasks—repairs, leases, insurance, etc.?
Who’s better at organizing life stuff, and are you okay sharing that?
You might want to check out Fair Play by Eve Rodsky—a card system that helps couples divide both visible and invisible tasks more fairly, based on capacity and preference. It turns the mental load into a team effort instead of a silent battleground.
5. Communication & Conflict: How Will You Handle Hard Things?
Living together brings new types of conflict. You won’t always agree, and you will get annoyed at each other sometimes. So ask:
How do you want to handle disagreements?
Do you need space when upset, or prefer to talk things out right away?
How do you want to be approached when something’s bothering the other?
Also consider having regular check-ins—every month or so, ask each other:
“How are things feeling at home? Anything that’s working really well? Anything that needs a little attention?”
The goal isn’t perfection—it’s creating a space where you can be honest and adjust when needed.
6. The Bigger Picture: What Are We Building Here?
Okay, this goes beyond the logistics—but it’s just as important. If you’re building a shared home, you’ll want to know you’re on the same page (or at least in the same chapter) about the future.
Conversations to have:
Do you want kids? If so, when? If not, are you both on board?
Are you open to marriage? What does commitment look like to each of you?
What are your long-term financial goals (buying a home, saving, retiring)?
Do either of you expect to move cities for work or family?
What are your thoughts on monogamy or other relationship structures?
What does “growing old together” look like? Have you talked about things like caregiving, long-term health issues, or supporting aging parents?
These aren’t first-date convos, but before you start building a shared life—literally under the same roof—it helps to know whether your life goals line up, even if the details aren’t fully mapped out yet.
7. Beliefs, Boundaries, and Big Non-Negotiables
Before living together becomes your everyday reality, it's helpful to explore how you both see the world.
You don’t have to agree on everything—but you do need to know where your values line up and where they might clash.
Talk about:
Political or spiritual values
How involved you want to be with extended family (and how often)
What traditions or holidays matter to you
What your boundaries are around privacy, space, phones, social media, etc.
What are your “absolutely not” topics? (Ex: “I won’t live with guns in the house,” “I need one unplugged day a week,” “I’m not okay with frequent overnight guests.”)
If there’s a major difference in belief systems, this doesn’t mean you can’t make it work—but it does mean it’ll require intentional respect and understanding.
8. Sex, Intimacy & What Happens When Things Change
Living together can bring you closer—but it can also change your sex life. Fast. You go from “sleepovers are fun and exciting” to “please don’t touch me until I’ve had coffee and we’ve cleaned the litter box.”
Questions to explore:
How important is sex to each of you? What frequency feels good?
How do you each initiate (and respond to) sex?
Are there sexual preferences, kinks, or fantasies you want to explore—or boundaries you want respected?
How do you handle rejection or mismatched libido?
What helps you feel emotionally close? What about physically?
This isn’t just about sex now—it’s about building the kind of relationship where you can be open about changing needs. Because desire shifts. Life gets busy. Bodies change. But when you’re able to talk about it honestly? You’re more likely to stay connected through it.
9. Emergency Plans & What-If Scenarios
Not the most romantic convo—but 100% necessary. Life can throw curveballs, and it’s better to have a plan (or at least a conversation) before you're dealing with crisis mode.
Things to talk about:
What if one of you gets laid off or can’t work for a while? What’s the financial plan?
What happens if one of you becomes sick, disabled, or needs long-term care?
How would you handle caregiving for aging parents or family members?
Do you both have insurance (health, renters, etc.)?
Where do your legal documents live—wills, power of attorney, etc.?
You don’t have to draft a full estate plan—but knowing how you’d support each other during a rough patch makes a big difference. It shows commitment and builds trust.
10. Emotional Labor & Expectations
This is the unspoken stuff that either makes a relationship feel like a team—or like a slow, emotional leak. And living together turns up the volume on it.
Ask each other:
What helps you feel emotionally cared for? (Words, acts of service, affection, quality time?)
When you’re stressed, how do you want your partner to show up?
What are your love languages?
How do you want to be supported during big life changes—or just bad days?
What emotional habits did you grow up with that might affect how you show up now?
Also talk about things like:
Do you want to process everything together—or do you need space first?
How do you like to repair after conflict? (Some people need hugs, some need apologies, some need space.)
How do you keep friendship alive while living together?
Living together is about more than sharing a bathroom. It’s about sharing a life. And the more you understand each other’s emotional blueprints, the easier it is to build something that actually lasts.
Final Thoughts: Move in With Eyes (and Ears) Wide Open
Moving in together is a big step—but it doesn’t have to be scary. The key is talking early, checking in often, and staying open to changing what doesn’t work.
You don’t have to figure it all out before move-in day. Most couples tweak things as they go. The important part is having a foundation of honesty, flexibility, and mutual respect.
So pour some coffee, sit on the floor with your partner and your laptops (or a notebook and a bottle of wine), and start the conversation. This isn’t just about chores and bills—it’s about building a home that works for both of you.
Need help navigating these conversations, setting boundaries, or managing the stress of merging lives? At Sagebrush Counseling, I help couples communicate clearly, stay connected, and build strong foundations before and after moving in together. You don’t have to guess your way through this—we can work through it together.
