Can Your Attachment Style Change?
Attachment styles shape the way we experience love and connection. Attachment styles influence how we navigate closeness and even express our relationship needs. But what if the way you’ve always approached relationships isn’t working for you anymore?
Have you always had trouble fully trusting your partner? Fearing they’ll leave when you let your guard down. Or the opposite, you tend to keep people at arm’s length and uncomfortable with emotional closeness. If you’ve ever wondered, “Can I change my attachment style?” the answer is yes. Attachment styles aren’t permanent; they’re learned patterns from early life, like anything we know.
Let’s explore how attachment styles develop and what it takes to change them.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are the patterns we develop in early life that shape how we connect with others. John Bowlby developed Attachment Theory. Later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth identified three main attachment styles based on how children reacted to separation: secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment. A fourth style, disorganized attachment, was later added, describing individuals who have anxious and avoidant behaviors.
Are Attachment Styles Fixed for Life?
Research shows that attachment styles are fluid and can change over time. People who once had an insecure attachment (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) can develop a secure attachment over time. Likewise, someone who has a secure attachment style can develop insecurity after repeated negative experiences. If your attachment style has caused difficulties in relationships, you can actively work to shift toward a more secure one.
How Can Attachment Styles Change?
1. Self-awareness and Inner Work
Recognizing your attachment patterns is the first step toward change. Many people repeat the same relationship cycles.
Do I have a hard time trusting my partner fully?
Do I need a lot of reassurance to feel secure?
Do I pull away when a relationship starts to feel emotionally intense?
Do I choose partners who reinforce my fears of abandonment?
2. New Relationship Experiences
One of the most powerful ways to shift your attachment style is by experiencing a healthy and secure relationship.
For example:
If you have an anxious attachment, being with a secure partner who is consistent and reassuring can help you learn to trust love rather than fear abandonment.
If you have an avoidant attachment, a secure partner can help you become comfortable with emotional intimacy without feeling trapped.
Building safe and supportive friendships can provide similar benefits even if you’re not in a relationship.
3. Therapy and Personal Growth
Attachment wounds are often ingrained because, a lot of the time, they start in childhood.
Unpack past experiences that shaped your attachment style.
Develop healthier coping mechanisms for relationship anxiety or avoidance.
Learn secure relationship behaviors, such as effective communication.
How to Move Toward a Secure Attachment Style
If you’ve noticed that your attachment style is affecting your relationships, first of all—you’re not alone, and you’re not stuck. Attachment patterns were learned, which means with the right tools and awareness, they can be unlearned too. Moving toward a more secure attachment doesn’t happen overnight, but small, intentional shifts can make a huge difference in how you experience love and connection.
Let’s talk about how you can start moving toward a more stable, secure, and fulfilling way of relating to others.
1. Practice Self-Soothing Instead of Seeking External Reassurance
If you tend to have anxious attachments, you might rely on your partner to calm your fears. Maybe you need frequent reassurance that they still care, that they’re not pulling away, that everything is okay. And while it’s normal to want validation, learning how to self-soothe so that your sense of security doesn’t depend entirely on someone else.
Next time you feel anxiety creeping in, try this:
Pause before reaching out for reassurance. Instead of immediately texting your partner, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What am I actually afraid of right now?
Remind yourself that you are safe. Your worth isn’t dependent on someone else’s availability at this exact moment—you are still lovable, still enough, even if they’re busy or distracted.
Offer yourself the same compassion you’d give a friend. If a friend felt insecure in their relationship, you wouldn’t say, “Wow, you’re being too much.” You’d say, “It makes sense that you’re feeling this way, but you are still loved and valued.” Try giving yourself that same kindness.
The more you practice regulating your emotions, the less you’ll feel like your security depends on someone else’s response.
2. Learn to Sit with Emotional Intimacy Instead of Pulling Away
If you have an avoidant attachment style, deep emotional closeness can feel uncomfortable, even overwhelming. You might find yourself pulling away, shutting down, or needing space when things start to feel too intimate. It’s not that you don’t care—you do. But intimacy can feel like a threat to your independence or a risk you’re not sure you want to take.
Here’s the thing: Closeness and independence are not opposites. You can have both. The key is learning to sit with emotional discomfort without running from it.
Next time someone expresses deep emotions or connection, try this:
Notice the instinct to withdraw—but don’t act on it right away. Just pause and recognize what’s happening.
Remind yourself that intimacy isn’t the same as losing yourself. Someone being emotionally open with you doesn’t mean they’re trying to control you—it’s just connection.
Lean in, even if just a little. You don’t have to open up all at once, but maybe share one small thing you’re feeling. It could be as simple as “I appreciate you sharing this with me—I’m just not used to talking about emotions so much.” That’s a step.
The more you practice tolerating closeness, the less scary it will feel over time.
3. Choose Partners Who Reinforce Secure Attachment
Most people don’t realize that your attachment style can shift depending on who you’re in a relationship with. If you’ve been stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns, part of healing might be choosing different kinds of partners and ones who don’t reinforce the fears you’re trying to move away from.
If you have an anxious attachment, be mindful of choosing emotionally unavailable people. If you’re constantly second-guessing where you stand, it can reinforce old patterns of chasing and seeking constant reassurance.
If you have an avoidant attachment, avoid partners who demand immediate closeness without respecting your boundaries. It’s okay to need space, but a secure partner will let you take things comfortably.
If you’re healing from past wounds, look for relationships with open communication and emotional safety. Secure partners will respect your boundaries and create a stable foundation where you feel safe to grow.
Your attachment style isn’t just about you; it’s also shaped by the people you surround yourself with. Choosing partners who model secure attachment behaviors can also help you shift toward security.
Is Having an Insecure Attachment Style a Bad Thing?
No, having an insecure attachment style isn’t bad; it’s adaptive. If you developed an anxious or avoidant attachment, this pattern helped you cope with emotional uncertainty at some point in your life. Your attachment style isn’t a sign of failure or something you must be ashamed of; it’s a learned response.
That said, if your attachment style creates challenges in your relationships, whether through fear of abandonment, difficulty with emotional intimacy, or struggles with trust, you may benefit from exploring ways to move toward more secure connection patterns.
Can Your Attachment Style Change?
Yes, attachment styles are not fixed and can change. You might even notice that your attachment style shifts depending on your relationship.
If you grew up in an environment where emotional security was inconsistent, it doesn’t mean your attachment style will stay “insecure.” Likewise, if you had a secure attachment growing up, specific life experiences, such as trauma or repeated relational disappointments, can lead to insecure attachment patterns later in life.
Early caregivers don’t just shape attachment. The relationships we build with friends, mentors, and colleagues influence how we experience connection, trust, and intimacy. Secure romantic or platonic relationships can help reshape attachment wounds over time.
How to Heal Attachment Wounds and Build More Secure Relationships
If you notice repeated patterns of relationship anxiety, avoidance, emotional disconnection, or difficulty trusting others, it may be helpful to examine the attachment patterns you developed early in life. Old patterns can repeat themselves without reflection in different relationships, leading to ongoing conflict, misunderstandings, and difficulty fully connecting with others.
Conflict itself isn’t the issue—all relationships experience challenges. However, insecure attachment can make it harder to work through conflict productively, leading to emotional shutdown, fear of rejection, or difficulty expressing needs.
As social beings, we crave connection, even when past experiences have made us cautious about trusting others. But the past doesn’t have to define the future.
Even though early relationships shape us, healing often happens through relationships. Surrounding yourself with healthy, supportive relationships—whether with friends, romantic partners, or even within a therapeutic setting—can provide the emotional safety needed to rebuild trust, navigate intimacy, and experience secure attachment over time.
However, it’s important to distinguish between attachment wounds resurfacing in a healthy relationship and being in a toxic or abusive dynamic. A partner who consistently disrespects boundaries, manipulates, or creates emotional instability is not helping you heal attachment wounds—they are reinforcing them. Recognizing the difference is key.
If you find yourself stuck in repeating patterns of fear, insecurity, or emotional avoidance, working with a licensed therapist can provide guidance, tools, and real-time modeling of secure attachment behaviors. Therapy can help you:
Identify and challenge old attachment patterns.
Build self-trust and confidence in relationships.
Strengthen emotional regulation and communication skills.
Create more fulfilling and secure connections in all areas of life.
Attachment wounds don’t have to control your relationships forever. With the awareness and support, moving toward more secure, healthy, and fulfilling connecting is possible.
Final Thoughts: You Can Change Your Attachment Styles
Your attachment style is not a life sentence. It’s a learned pattern, and just as it was understood, it can be rewired through awareness, healthier relationships, and intentional healing.
Moving toward secure attachment doesn’t mean eliminating fear. It means:
Recognizing and managing relationship anxiety instead of letting it control you.
Allowing yourself to experience deep, meaningful connections without self-sabotaging.
Learning to trust that love can be safe, stable, and secure.
If you’ve felt stuck in relationship patterns that leave you feeling anxious, distant, or emotionally drained, therapy can help you navigate the path to more fulfilling, secure connections.
