Is Your Friendship Healthy or Codependent?
Friendships Can Be Deep and Also Kinda Messy
Let’s start here: friendship is one of the most powerful relationships we’ll ever have. In many ways, close friendships are even more emotionally intimate than romantic ones. They’re who we call when life feels unsteady. They’re the ones who know our favorite snacks, our exes, our embarrassing high school stories.
But every now and then, you might start to wonder…
Why do I feel so drained after talking to them?
Why do I feel like I’m the one holding all the emotional weight?
Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries with someone I care about?
If you’ve found yourself thinking any of these things—you’re not overreacting, and you’re not alone.
As a therapist, I’ve worked with many clients who feel confused about their friendships. They’re not toxic, necessarily—but something feels off. And often, what we uncover together is codependency.
Let’s talk about what that actually looks like in a friendship.
Codependent Friendship: What Does That Even Mean?
Codependency is when a relationship becomes unbalanced—when one person ends up emotionally overfunctioning while the other underfunctions. It’s when your identity starts to get wrapped up in the other person’s needs, moods, or approval.
In a friendship, this might show up as:
Feeling like you can’t say “no” without fear or guilt
Becoming their emotional support person 24/7, even when you're overwhelmed
Worrying more about their feelings than your own needs
Feeling responsible for keeping the friendship afloat
Losing track of your own boundaries, hobbies, or goals
The hard part? It often doesn’t start this way. Codependent friendships can begin as deep, loyal connections. The closeness can feel electric, like you’ve finally found your person. But slowly, things might shift—until you’re so entwined that it’s hard to tell where you end and they begin.
How Do You Know It’s Becoming Unhealthy?
Here are a few signs to check in with:
You’re constantly available—even when it costs you sleep, work, or emotional stability
You feel anxious if they don’t text back right away
You find yourself keeping your own needs quiet so you don’t upset them
You’re the one always doing the emotional heavy lifting
Your boundaries get pushed—or you’re afraid to even set them
You wonder if they’d still be around if you needed help
These aren’t always glaring red flags—but they are yellow ones. And if you’re starting to feel exhausted, resentful, or unsure whether this friendship is helping you grow… it’s worth paying attention to that.
What Does a Healthy Friendship Look Like?
A healthy friendship doesn’t mean you’re always happy, always available, or never mess up. It means there’s mutual respect and emotional space.
Healthy friendships feel like:
You can say no, and the friendship doesn’t fall apart
You both take turns showing up for each other
You don’t feel guilty for needing space, rest, or other people
You feel more like yourself because of the friendship—not smaller or more anxious
There’s room for both support and individuality
In therapy, I often say: the goal isn’t perfection—it’s reciprocity.
What to Do If You’re in a Codependent Friendship
The good news? These dynamics aren’t set in stone. You don’t have to end a friendship to create change. But you do need to start showing up differently.
Here’s what that can look like:
1. Name it to yourself
Start with gentle self-reflection. Try journaling or talking to a therapist about it:
Do I feel energized or exhausted after spending time with this friend?
Do I feel like I can speak up honestly?
Am I carrying their emotional load in a way that feels unsustainable?
Awareness is the first step to shifting any dynamic.
2. Start with small boundaries
You don’t have to dive straight into a big “we need to talk” moment. Try starting small:
Take longer to respond when you’re tired or busy
Let them know when you’re not available emotionally
Practice saying “I love you, and I need some space today”
It might feel uncomfortable at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it just means the dynamic is changing.
3. If you feel ready, talk about it
If it feels emotionally safe, you can have a conversation about what’s been happening.
Try something like:
“I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed, and I think I’ve been overextending myself in some of my relationships—including this one. I want our friendship to be sustainable and supportive for both of us.”
Their reaction will tell you a lot. If they respond with curiosity, empathy, or a willingness to meet you halfway? That’s a green flag. If they shut down or make you feel guilty—that’s something to note.
When to Get Support
Codependency is often rooted in deeper patterns—especially if you were taught growing up that your worth came from helping, fixing, or being the “good one.” These aren’t things we just flip a switch and stop doing.
Therapy can help you:
Understand where these patterns came from
Rebuild a stronger sense of self outside your friendships
Learn how to set boundaries without spiraling into guilt
Explore what healthy, secure relationships can feel like
At Sagebrush Counseling, this is what we do. We help people make sense of the relationships that confuse them—so they can reconnect with their needs, values, and voice.
FAQ: Healthy vs. Codependent Friendships
“I talk to my best friend every day. Is that bad?”
Not at all! Daily contact isn’t unhealthy—unless you feel like you have to respond or your friend will be upset, or like you’re emotionally on-call. It’s about the energy behind the closeness, not the frequency.
“I’ve always been the one who takes care of everyone. Is that codependent?”
It can be. If your identity feels tied to being the “helper” or you feel responsible for others’ happiness, it may be codependency—or a trauma response rooted in your past. Therapy can help you explore where that comes from and how to set new boundaries without losing your sense of self.
“Is it okay to take space from a friendship?”
Yes, 100%. Needing space doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you human. If the friendship is strong and healthy, it will survive space and boundaries.
“Can we fix a codependent friendship?”
Sometimes! If both people are willing to do the work, communicate honestly, and respect each other’s growth, a friendship can absolutely evolve. But sometimes, the healthiest thing is to step back—or even let go. You deserve relationships where you don’t have to lose yourself to feel loved.
Navigating Friendships and Relationships in Therapy:
You’re allowed to grow. You’re allowed to outgrow dynamics that no longer serve you. And you are 100% allowed to want friendships that feel mutual, grounded, and safe.
Let’s talk if you’re not sure how to take that next step. You don’t have to untangle this alone. Sagebrush Counseling offers virtual therapy for adults navigating people-pleasing, boundaries, and friendship burnout. We’re here when you’re ready.
