Dating a Married Man Who’s Unhappy in His Marriage: What You Need to Know
If you’re dating a married man—especially one who says he’s unhappy in his marriage—you’re probably carrying around a complicated mix of emotions. Maybe you didn’t plan to be in this situation. Maybe you feel like the connection is real. Maybe he says things are basically over with his wife… but somehow, they’re still married.
This isn’t a post to shame or judge. Relationships—especially the messy, unexpected ones—are rarely black and white. But if you’re finding yourself stuck in a relationship like this, and you're not sure where it’s going or what you want, let’s talk about it from a therapist's perspective.
“He Says He’s Unhappy”—But What Does That Mean?
First, let’s be honest: many married men in affairs describe their marriage as unhappy. Sometimes that’s 100% true. But sometimes, that unhappiness has layers:
Emotional disconnect from his spouse
Personal dissatisfaction or midlife crisis
Fear of change or starting over
Avoidance of confrontation or guilt
When someone is still married but seeking connection outside the relationship, it's worth asking: is he really ready to leave… or is he just looking for a refuge from discomfort?
Why This Kind of Relationship Can Be So Complicated
When someone is still married, even if they say “the marriage is basically over,” they’re still emotionally, legally, and often financially tied to another person. That’s a big deal.
Dating someone in this limbo can leave you:
Feeling like the “secret” or second choice
Constantly waiting for them to leave (but they don’t)
Torn between compassion and your own unmet needs
Doubting yourself, your worth, or your boundaries
Wondering what this means about you
These kinds of relationships often start out exciting—connection, chemistry, escape—but they can also slowly wear you down.
Things to Ask Yourself
This isn’t about right vs. wrong. It’s about getting honest with yourself. Here are some gentle questions to consider:
What am I actually hoping for from this?
Has he shown a pattern of follow-through—or avoidance?
What part of me is drawn to someone who’s emotionally unavailable?
Am I putting my life on hold, waiting for him to figure his out?
If nothing changed for a year, would I still want to be here?
It’s okay to not know the answers yet. But asking these kinds of questions can bring clarity—and help you see what you really want.
Why We Stay—Even When It Hurts
You might already know this relationship isn’t working for you, but still feel stuck. That’s not weakness—that’s attachment.
When you’ve bonded with someone—especially if they’ve made you feel seen, wanted, or loved in a way you haven’t before—it’s incredibly hard to walk away.
Some people in these relationships also:
Have anxious attachment and fear abandonment
Believe this is the only kind of love they’re worthy of
Have histories of betrayal or low self-worth
Are highly empathetic and want to “rescue” the other person
Sound familiar? Again, this isn’t about shame—it’s about understanding the why so you can choose what’s next.
What About His Wife?
If you're dating a married man, it’s natural to wonder what’s actually happening in his marriage. You might hear things like:
“We haven’t had sex in years.”
“She doesn’t really care about me.”
“It’s been over for a long time.”
These may or may not be true. Sometimes people rewrite their stories to justify their actions—to themselves or others. And even if the marriage is unhappy, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to leave. Unhappy people stay in relationships all the time.
If he says he’s staying for the kids, finances, timing, or “not wanting to hurt her”—it may be worth asking whether those reasons will still be there in six months or a year.
If You’re Waiting for Him to Leave
Let’s be honest: some men do leave. But many don’t. And some start new relationships before fully healing or taking accountability for the old one.
Ask yourself:
Has he made any actual moves toward separation or divorce?
Are there timelines—or just vague promises?
Does he seem more concerned with your feelings or his comfort?
What happens when you push for clarity?
You deserve to be in a relationship where you’re not the one waiting to be chosen.
Why Therapy Might Help (Even If He’s Not Involved)
Whether you stay or go, this kind of relationship can take a toll on your mental health. Therapy can help you:
Understand the emotional patterns that got you here
Rebuild your sense of self-worth and boundaries
Navigate grief, guilt, or confusion
Clarify what kind of love you want (and what you don’t want anymore)
Make empowered choices from a place of compassion, not fear
You don’t need to figure it all out alone. Especially if this relationship has left you feeling depleted or unsure of yourself.
You’re Not a Bad Person—But You Might Be in a Bad Situation
Let’s ditch the black-and-white thinking. You can be a kind, loving, thoughtful person… and still find yourself in a relationship that’s hurting you.
You don’t have to shame yourself. And you don’t have to stay stuck, either.
What’s Next?
You get to decide what you want in love and life. Not based on someone else’s timeline or limitations—but based on your own values, needs, and goals.
And if you're ready to start putting yourself first again, therapy can help.
🧡 I offer virtual therapy for women, neurodivergent individuals, and anyone feeling stuck in complicated relationships across Texas.
You don’t have to untangle it all at once. Just start with one step. I’m here when you’re ready.
