Do You Really Like Them or Just the Idea of Them? How to Tell the Difference
Falling for someone can feel exhilarating. But are you falling for them or for the fantasy of who they could be? Sometimes, we get so caught up in the excitement of new love that we overlook whether the connection is built on compatibility and emotional security. Attachment styles could lead to falling into the idea you like someone or your dating pattern.
So, how do you know if your attraction is based on who they are or just who you hope they’ll be? Let’s see here.
What Does It Mean to Like Someone vs. Liking the Idea of Them?
When you genuinely like someone, you appreciate them for who they are today, not just their potential. You see their strengths and weaknesses and accept them fully, not just the version you’ve created in your mind. You might even think you like them because you fell into a pseudo relationship.
But when you like the idea of someone, your feelings are often built on:
How they make you feel in the moment rather than their long-term compatibility.
A single great trait (e.g., “They’re so confident” or “They’re so charming”) while ignoring the bigger picture.
The connection feeling “meant to be” rather than their actual consistency in the relationship.
Focusing on their potential instead of who they are right now.
How to Tell the Difference
Ask yourself:
Am I drawn to who they are or how they make me feel?
Would I still want them if they never changed?
Am I imagining a future with them before really knowing them?
Red Flag: If you find yourself making excuses for their behavior, ignoring their lack of effort, or daydreaming more about “what could be” than what’s happening, you might fall for the idea of them rather than the person.
Signs You’re More in Love With the Idea of Someone
If you’re unsure whether your feelings are based on reality or fantasy, here are some clear indicators that you're idealizing the person rather than truly knowing them:
You focus on their potential instead of their reality.
You ignore signs of disinterest or inconsistent behavior.
You make excuses for their lack of effort.
You feel more excited about the “idea” of being with them than the actual time you spend together.
You get attached quickly without truly knowing them.
You convince yourself they’ll change once they “open up” or you’re in a real relationship. Reality Check: If your attraction is mainly based on fantasy, daydreaming, or imagining your future together rather than actual, consistent interactions, you might be in love with the idea of them rather than the person.
Do You Like Who They Are—Or Who You Hope They’ll Become?
One of the biggest traps in relationships is falling in love with potential—the version of someone you hope they’ll become.
Signs You’re Romanticizing Potential:
You think, “They’ll be perfect once they mature/open up/commit.”
You expect them to change for the relationship to work.
You dismiss red flags because you believe love will "fix" things.
You’re emotionally invested in your future self, not your present self.
Reality Check: Love is accepting someone as they are today. If you wouldn’t be happy with them precisely as they are, you’re dating the fantasy, not the reality.
The Role of Fantasy in Early Attraction
It’s normal to idealize someone in the beginning. We tend to fill the gaps with hopeful assumptions when a relationship is new.
Early attractions often include:
Butterflies and excitement
Daydreaming about a future together
Seeing their best qualities first
But when does fantasy become a problem?
When you assume someone is "perfect" before truly knowing them.
When you ignore inconsistencies, the connection feels good.
When your attraction is based on potential, not who they are today.
Reality Check: It may be a fantasy-driven attraction if you can’t list specific, real-life reasons you like someone (beyond how they make you feel).
Red Flags That You’re Ignoring the Reality of the Relationship
They’re inconsistent, but you convince yourself they “mean well.”
You make excuses for their lack of effort.
You feel more anxious than secure.
Your friends notice red flags, but you defend them.
You’re waiting for them to “change” before the relationship feels right.
Healthy relationships feel stable and mutual, not like a guessing game.
Why We Fall for Potential Instead of Reality
This isn’t just about them; it’s often about you.
Why we chase fantasy love:
Attachment wounds: If we fear rejection, we might cling to the idea of love rather than reality.
Low self-worth: We might seek relationship validation if we don’t feel lovable.
Romantic conditioning: Movies and books tell us that love should be all-consuming—but real love is often quieter and steadier. Reality Check: If you’re chasing fantasy love, ask yourself: Am I trying to make this relationship “prove” something about my worth?
How to Get Clarity on Your Feelings
Journaling Exercise:
Ask yourself:
How long have I known them?
Do I like them as they are, or am I hoping they’ll change?
Am I more in love with the connection than with them as a person?
Would I still want this relationship if the excitement faded?
The goal: Shift from fantasy-based attraction to reality-based connection.
The Difference Between Healthy Expectations and Unrealistic Fantasies
Healthy Expectations:
Emotional availability and respect
Consistency in words and actions
Shared values and future goals
Unrealistic Fantasies:
Believing love will “fix” someone’s issues
Expecting a partner to meet all your emotional needs
Assuming the relationship will always feel exciting
Reality Check: Love should challenge and support you but not require you to ignore reality.
How Therapy Can Help You Understand Your Romantic Patterns
Therapy can help you:
Recognize patterns in your relationships
Build self-worth outside of romantic validation
Develop healthier boundaries and realistic expectations
Learn to trust slow, steady love over instant infatuation
10. Moving Forward: Building Genuine, Fulfilling Connections
Real love is built, not fantasized.
The right person will feel good in the present—not just in your imagination.
