How to Set Boundaries With In-Laws During the Holidays

The holidays can be such a wonderful time... but let’s be honest, they can also bring out all the family drama, especially with in-laws. You're probably feeling a little overwhelmed if you’re navigating how to balance your time and energy while keeping everyone happy. I get it—it’s a lot. That’s why setting boundaries is so important, even though it can initially feel awkward. Here’s how I’d approach it.

Start With Your Partner

The first thing you’ve gotta do is get on the same page with your partner. What do you both want out of the holidays? Quiet mornings at home? Big family gatherings? A mix? Figure this out before talking to anyone else. If you’re not aligned, it will be hard to stick to any boundaries when family starts pulling you in different directions.

Be Clear Early On

Nobody likes last-minute plans, especially when it comes to the holidays. Once you and your partner figure out your plan, let the in-laws know ASAP. For example, if you’re spending Christmas morning at home and visiting later, let them know now instead of waiting until December 23rd. A little notice goes a long way.

Learn to Say No (Without Over-Explaining)

This part is hard, especially if you hate disappointing people. But saying “no” doesn’t have to be mean—it’s just about being honest about what works for you. Something like, “We can’t make it this year, but let’s find a time to catch up soon,” can go a long way. You don’t need to list a dozen reasons why—you’re allowed to set boundaries without a full explanation.

Save Time for Each Other

Don't forget about each other Between the holiday parties, family dinners, and gift shopping. Seriously, set aside a night or even just an hour to reconnect. It can be as simple as watching your family holiday movie or going for a winter date.

Handling Unsolicited Advice

There’s always that family member who has opinions about everything. It could be about your parenting, your cooking, or how you’re spending your time. What is the best way to handle it? A polite but firm response, like “Thanks for your input—we’ve got it handled.” Short and sweet.

Split Time (or Don’t)

If you’ve got two or more families vying for your attention, it can get messy fast. Some couples rotate holidays (Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with the other), while others try to split the actual day. Figure out what works for you, and don’t feel guilty if it’s not “fair” by everyone’s standards. You can’t be everywhere at once.

Create Your Own Traditions

Sometimes, the best way to deal with competing expectations is to carve out your traditions. Whether hosting a holiday breakfast, making cookies together, or doing a gift exchange at home, creating something just yours can make the season feel special again.

Expect Some Pushback

Not everyone will love your boundaries, and that’s okay. If someone gets upset, try to stay calm and repeat your decision. Something like, “I know this is different, but this is what works best for us,” can help keep things from escalating. It’s not your job to make everyone happy.

Take Care of Yourself

This is so important. Family dynamics can be exhausting, even in the best of circumstances. Make time to decompress—whether going for a walk, journaling or sneaking away to read a book. When you’re recharged, it’s much easier to handle the stress of the holidays.

Focus on What Matters

The holidays are about connection and joy, not about pleasing everyone. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about creating space for what’s most important to you and your partner. Let go of the guilt and focus on what makes you happy.

The holidays don’t have to be perfect. They need to work for you. And when you prioritize what matters, you can enjoy the season much more.

Schedule a Counseling Session for the Holiday Season

You may think that the holidays are a time to take a break, and that is true; however, many individuals and couples book sessions because of the stress around the holidays and to take a break from the stress, whether from in-laws, finances, or anything that is bringing stress to your relationship.