How to Talk to Your Partner About Using Embryo Donation: Navigating the Conversation with Care
Starting the Conversation About Embryo Donation
Deciding to use donor embryos to grow your family is a deeply personal and often emotional choice. It’s not just a medical decision—it’s a conversation about genetics, identity, future parenthood, and what it means to build a family together.
For some couples, the idea of embryo donation brings hope and a renewed sense of possibility. For others, it may bring up complicated emotions, fears, or even hesitation. If you’re considering embryo donation, it’s essential to approach the conversation with your partner with care, patience, and openness.
This guide will help you navigate this discussion in a way that fosters understanding, mutual respect, and a shared sense of direction.
Before You Start: Preparing for the Discussion
Before bringing up embryo donation with your partner, take a moment to reflect on your own feelings.
1. Clarify Your Own Thoughts and Emotions
What excites me about embryo donation?
What concerns do I have?
How do I feel about raising a child that is not genetically related to one or both of us?
What questions do I have about the medical, emotional, and ethical aspects of embryo donation?
Understanding your own feelings first will help you communicate your perspective more clearly and ensure that the conversation is productive rather than reactive.
2. Choose the Right Time and Setting
This isn’t a conversation to have in the middle of a busy day or right before bed. Find a time when:
✔ You’re both in a calm and receptive state of mind.
✔ You have enough time to talk without feeling rushed or distracted.
✔ The setting allows for open, honest discussion (e.g., a quiet evening at home, a walk together, or a relaxed setting where you both feel comfortable).
How to Bring Up Embryo Donation with Your Partner
1. Start with an Open and Curious Approach
Rather than presenting embryo donation as something you’ve already decided on, frame it as an idea you’d like to explore together.
Try saying:
✔ “I’ve been thinking about different paths to growing our family, and I came across embryo donation. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.”
✔ “I know we’ve been looking at different options, and I read about something that could be a possibility for us. Can we talk about it?”
✔ “I don’t have all the answers, but I’d like to explore whether embryo donation is something we might consider together.”
This opens the door for discussion without making your partner feel pressured or caught off guard.
2. Acknowledge That This Is a Big Decision
Your partner may need time to process the idea, especially if this is the first time they’re hearing about embryo donation. Let them know it’s okay to have mixed emotions.
✔ “I know this is a big topic, and I don’t expect us to figure everything out in one conversation.”
✔ “I want us to take our time with this decision so that we both feel comfortable.”
Giving them space to process reduces the pressure and creates a safe environment for discussion.
3. Address Potential Concerns with Understanding
Your partner may have questions, fears, or reservations—and that’s completely normal. Be prepared to listen without defensiveness.
Common concerns might include:
✔ Loss of genetic connection
“I worry about raising a child that isn’t biologically related to me.”
“Would I feel the same bond with a child conceived this way?”
✔ How to explain it to the child and others
“How would we talk to our child about their origins?”
“Do we tell family and friends? How much do we share?”
✔ Uncertainty about the emotional impact
“Will I regret this decision later?”
“How do we know this is the right path for us?”
How to Respond with Reassurance
“I understand why that would feel important. I’ve been thinking about that too. Maybe we can explore stories from families who have chosen this path.”
“There are great resources on how to talk to donor-conceived children about their origins. We don’t have to figure that out alone.”
“I don’t want to rush this decision—I want us to feel confident moving forward, whatever we decide.”
By acknowledging their concerns instead of dismissing them, you create an open dialogue where both of you feel heard.
Exploring Embryo Donation Together
If your partner is open to learning more, suggest researching together. This way, it’s a shared journey, rather than one person leading the conversation.
1. Look at Reliable Resources
Reading or watching videos about embryo donation from trusted sources can help both of you gain clarity. Some helpful places to start:
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association
Stories from families who have chosen embryo donation
Ask: “Would you be open to looking at some information together and seeing how we both feel?”
2. Consider Counseling to Navigate the Decision
A fertility counselor who specializes in third-party reproduction can help you:
Process emotions about genetic loss and family identity.
Discuss potential challenges and rewards of embryo donation.
Explore the long-term emotional considerations for both you and your child.
If the discussion feels overwhelming or if you’re struggling to find common ground, a therapist can guide the conversation in a productive and supportive way.
What If Your Partner Isn’t Ready or Says No?
It’s possible that after discussing embryo donation, your partner isn’t comfortable with the idea, or needs more time to process it.
1. Give Them Time and Space
Some people need time to adjust to a new path, especially one that involves complex emotions. Instead of trying to convince them, allow them to sit with their thoughts and revisit the conversation later.
Try saying:
✔ “I understand that this is a big shift, and I don’t want you to feel pressured. Let’s take some time to think about it and talk again when you’re ready.”
2. Keep the Conversation Open
It’s okay if this isn’t a one-time discussion. Checking in periodically without pressure allows both of you to process the idea at your own pace.
✔ “I’m curious if your thoughts have changed at all since we last talked about this.”
✔ “Would it help to talk to someone who has been through this?”
3. Respect Each Other’s Boundaries
If your partner ultimately feels strongly against embryo donation, forcing the decision could create long-term resentment. In that case, it may be helpful to explore other family-building options together, such as adoption or continuing with different fertility treatments.
The goal is to find a path forward that both of you feel emotionally at peace with.
Final Thoughts: Making the Decision Together
Deciding whether to use an embryo donor is a deeply personal choice that requires open communication, patience, and understanding. By approaching the conversation with curiosity rather than expectation, you create a space where both of you feel heard and respected.
Every couple’s journey is different. There is no right or wrong decision—only what feels best for your family.
Find Support Through Sagebrush Counseling
If you and your partner are navigating the emotional complexities of embryo donation, Sagebrush Counseling is here to help. We specialize in infertility counseling, guiding couples through difficult conversations and helping them find clarity, confidence, and peace in their decisions.
Reach out today to schedule a session and start exploring the path that’s right for you—together.
