I Cheated Because of You: Why Some People Blame Their Partners for Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the most painful betrayals in a relationship. The shock, the anger, the heartbreak—it’s overwhelming. But perhaps one of the most confusing and gut-wrenching responses from the person who cheated is when they turn around and say, It’s your fault.

They might say things like:

• "I wouldn’t have cheated if you gave me more attention."

• "You stopped caring about our relationship."

• "I felt neglected, so I sought connection elsewhere."

Hearing this can feel like a second betrayal, as you’re already hurting enough.

If you’re in this situation, I want you to know you’re not alone. I see this pattern play out often in couples therapy, and I want to help you understand it.

Why do people blame their partners for their affair?

Blame-shifting is, unfortunately, pretty standard when someone gets caught cheating. It’s not fair, and it’s not right, but it happens for a few psychological reasons.

First, taking full responsibility for an affair is incredibly uncomfortable.

There’s also something called cognitive dissonance, which is a psychological term for people not seeing themselves for what they are. Most people want to believe they are reasonable, decent, loyal partners. But when they cheat, that image of themselves doesn’t match their actions. They rewrite the story to resolve that inner conflict: "I only did it because my partner neglected me." It’s a way to justify their behavior while still feeling good.

And then there’s the simple fact that blame is a defense mechanism for some. If they convince you (and themselves) that you are part of the problem, maybe you won’t be as angry. Maybe it will lessen the consequences. Perhaps they won’t have to feel as much guilt.

Of course, in some cases, there were real problems in the relationship before the affair. Maybe there was emotional disconnection, lack of intimacy, or unresolved resentment. But here’s the thing—relationship struggles do not justify betrayal. If someone is unhappy, many ways to address it don’t involve lying, sneaking around, and breaking trust. Affairs aren’t reactions to bad relationships. They’re choices.

What happens when you're blamed for an affair?

No one wants to be blamed for an affair.

One of the most common reactions is self-doubt. You might start asking yourself these types of questions: Was I not enough? Did I push them away? Could I have done something differently?

Blame also puts a pause on healing.

And let’s not forget about resentment. It can make reconciliation nearly impossible because, instead of healing, you’re stuck in a cycle of trying to prove that you didn’t deserve what happened to you.

Infidelity is a choice, not a reaction

Let’s clear something up right now—no matter what struggles existed in the relationship, infidelity was not the only option.

When a person feels like their relationship isn’t working, there are steps to take before cheating—couples counseling, communication, and being open and honest.

But cheating? That’s a choice. A choice to lie. An option to step outside the relationship instead of addressing the real issues head-on.

If your partner is blaming you for their affair, remind yourself of this: you did not make them cheat. That was their decision, and it is not your burden to carry.

How to handle blame after an affair

In this situation, you might feel hurt, confused, and unsure of what to do next.

First and foremost, do not accept responsibility for their choices. You might have regrets about things in the relationship. Maybe there were things you wish you had done differently. That’s completely valid. But those things did not cause them to cheat.

Next, demand full accountability.

Open communication is key, but it has to be healthy communication. If every conversation turns into them defending themselves and blaming you, that’s not productive.

And finally, take a step back and consider whether this relationship is still where you feel safe and respected.

Rebuilding trust after infidelity

If both partners are committed to healing, trust can be rebuilt, if not it may be time to step back or away.

One of the first steps is transparency. The person who cheated needs to be open about their actions moving forward. Secrecy only breeds more distrust.

Consistency is big. Words don’t mean much if actions don’t match up. The person who cheated has to prove—through repeated, reliable behavior—that they are committed to rebuilding the relationship.

Both partners also need to be willing to address underlying relationship issues. Again, these issues didn’t cause the affair, but they may need to be worked through to create a stronger foundation moving forward.

When it’s time to walk away

Not every relationship can, or should, survive infidelity. If your partner refuses to take responsibility, continues to blame you, or repeats patterns of dishonesty, it may not be a relationship that can be repaired.

You deserve honesty. You deserve respect. You deserve a partner who takes responsibility for their actions rather than making you feel like you caused their betrayal.

If you’re struggling to figure out what to do next, therapy can help. Whether it’s couples therapy to see if reconciliation is possible or individual therapy to process your emotions and move forward, having support can make all the difference.

Final thoughts

Blame after an affair is not just unfair—it’s harmful. Healing requires accountability, honesty, and commitment to change. If you’re dealing with a partner shifting the blame onto you, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you did not cause this.

No matter what happens next, your healing matters. See if we’d be a good fit if you're considering couples therapy.