What to Do When One Partner Loves the Holidays and the Other Doesn’t
For many couples, the holiday season brings joy, tradition, and stress. But what happens when one partner is all-in on festive cheer—stringing lights, planning parties, and blasting holiday music—while the other would rather skip the season altogether?
It’s a common relationship challenge: one partner’s excitement can feel overwhelming or annoying, while the other’s lack of enthusiasm can feel dismissive or lonely. Whether this is your first holiday together or a long-term couple, this mismatch can create tension, hurt feelings, and even arguments during what’s meant to be a joyful time.
The good news? With understanding and a little compromise, this duo can work with the right amount of communication.
Why Do People Feel Differently About the Holidays?
Before going into great detail on this, know everyone has a different personality type. The holidays can be triggering for some, and for others, it can be their most extraordinary childhood moments. If you or your partner don’t like the holidays, you can still enjoy them together.
For the Holiday Lover:
Holidays might mean nostalgic moments growing up.
They might view the season as a way to connect and the holiday season as magical.
Holiday activities—like decorating, gift-giving, and hosting—may bring a sense of purpose to their lives.
For the Holiday Avoider:
Holidays may trigger stress due to past experiences, family conflict, or financial pressure.
The season may feel overly commercialized, exhausting, or inauthentic. They may also feel that finances are stressful around the season.
Introverted personalities may struggle with the social demands of parties and gatherings.
They might feel overwhelmed by expectations to be cheerful or “go all out.”
Getting to know your partner better and why they may avoid the holidays (maybe it is childhood trauma, or perhaps they never had a good holiday before; there are many reasons why people avoid holidays, and each person is unique in this way).
Step 1: Acknowledge and Validate Each Other’s Feelings
The first step to bridging the holiday divide is acknowledging how each of you feels. This isn’t about “right” or “wrong”—it’s about validating emotions.
For the Holiday Lover: Avoid dismissing your partner as a “grinch” or “Scrooge.” Their feelings are valid and often rooted in past experiences or personal values.
For the Holiday Avoider: Understand that your partner’s love for the holidays may come from a place of joy, hope, and tradition. Their enthusiasm isn’t meant to pressure you.
How to Start the Conversation:
Find a calm moment to share your feelings honestly. Use “I” statements to keep your thoughts personal to you and not to blame.
“I feel excited about decorating the house because it reminds me of my childhood traditions.”
“I feel overwhelmed when I think about all the holiday expectations. It’s hard for me to get into the spirit.”
Listening with empathy and not to argue. If you like the holidays, you don’t want to convince your partner also to feel the way they do. Or vice versa.
Step 2: Compromise: Find the Middle Ground
A relationship thrives on compromise, and the holidays are no exception. Neither partner should feel invalidated.
Practical Compromises to Consider:
Choose Key Traditions Together: Write down what means the most during the holiday season.
Example: “You love decorating, and I enjoy quiet evenings. Let’s assemble a tree, but skip the outdoor lights this year.”
Alternate Celebrations: If one partner loves parties and the other doesn’t, alternate events:
Attend one-holiday gathering together but skip the next so the “holiday avoider” gets downtime.
Create “Me Time” During the Holidays:
The holiday lover can enjoy festive activities with friends or family while the other partner takes time for themselves guilt-free.
Example: “I’ll go caroling with my friends tonight, and you can have a quiet movie night at home.”
Simplify Holiday Stress: If stress is driving one partner’s avoidance, agree to simplify the holidays:
Set a gift budget to avoid financial strain.
Skip over-the-top events in favor of intimate, meaningful gatherings.
Remember: The goal isn’t to “win” or change your partner’s personality. It’s to find shared joy while respecting each other’s boundaries.
Step 3: Create New Traditions Together
Sometimes, the holidays feel heavy because of past experiences or mismatched expectations. Creating new, personalized traditions can make the season feel fresh, meaningful, and enjoyable for both of you.
Ideas for New Traditions:
Focus on Experiences Over “Stuff”: Plan a holiday experience you’ll both enjoy, like seeing the holiday lights locally.
Give Back as a Couple: Volunteering or donating can create a sense of connection while shifting the focus away from materialism.
Plan a Holiday Getaway: You can spend time away during the holiday on a staycation or traveling to a new spot.
Relaxing Activities: Try cozy activities like reading a book by the fire or watching your favorite movie together.
Building memories around the holidays can be a way to connect without the extras often involved with holiday gatherings, gifts, etc.
Step 4: Set Boundaries Around Family and Friends
Family expectations often add a layer of stress for couples with differing holiday preferences.
How to Handle It Together:
Communicate as a Team: Discuss family obligations ahead of time and agree on how much time you’re comfortable spending at gatherings.
Example: “Let’s visit your parents for dinner, but we’ll head home early for some downtime together.”
Be Honest with Loved Ones: Set clear, loving boundaries if you need to scale back.
“We’re keeping things low-key this year, so we’ll celebrate from home.”
Divide and Conquer: If one partner wants to attend an event and the other doesn’t, it’s okay to split up occasionally. Just make sure to reconnect afterward.
Step 5: Focus on Connection Over Perfection
The holidays are about connection—not Instagram-perfect decorations or an endless calendar of events. When tensions arise, remind each other what matters.
Small Ways to Connect During the Holidays:
Share a favorite holiday memory.
Write “gratitude notes” for what you appreciate about your partner this season.
Schedule quiet, intentional moments together, even just drinking coffee on a chilly morning.
The holiday lover can share their joy in small ways, like inviting their partner to watch a movie or bake cookies—without pressure. The holiday avoider can show love by engaging in meaningful activities outside their comfort zone with their partner.
What If the Conflict Persists?
If holiday disagreements continue year after year, it might signify deeper relationship dynamics that need attention. A couples counselor can help you:
Explore the emotional roots of your holiday preferences.
Improve communication around expectations, stress, and compromise.
Find tools to strengthen your relationship during challenging seasons.
Sometimes, having a neutral third party can open the door to solutions you hadn’t considered.
Still Having Disagreements About the Holidays? Schedule a Couples Counseling
It’s normal for couples to have different feelings about the holidays. One partner’s excitement doesn’t make them any which way, and the other’s reluctance doesn’t make them a “downer.”
Instead of seeing these differences as obstacles, treat them as an opportunity to compromise, connect, and create a holiday season that reflects both of you. If you’re having issues seeing eye to eye, schedule a couples counseling today. We are here to help.
