Rebuilding Trust on Valentine’s Day: A Guide for Couples Healing Together
How to Rebuild Trust on Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day for most couples is celebratory (if you’re a couple that celebrates); for couples who are building trust or had a recent betrayal, Valentine’s Day can feel overwhelming, sad, or resentful. Whether you’re recovering from a betrayal, a pattern of dishonesty, or just feeling emotionally distant, you might be wondering:
Should we celebrate at all?
Is it possible to enjoy Valentine’s Day when things don’t feel “perfect”?
How do we start rebuilding trust when there’s still hurt between us?
As a couples therapist, I’ve worked with many partners in the healing process, and I want you to know that rebuilding trust is possible, but it requires both partners to commit to the process and isn’t an overnight act.
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about forcing a good time. Instead, it can be about reflection and steps toward building trust together. Here are some suggestions and ways to do that:
1. Understanding Where You Are in the Healing Process
Know where you both stand before deciding how to approach Valentine’s Day. Trust is not rebuilt overnight, and depending on the depth of the hurt, both partners may be in very different emotional places.
Ask yourself:
Have we acknowledged the pain? Have both partners had space to express their feelings and perspectives?
Is there accountability? Has the person who broke trust taken clear responsibility without shifting blame or minimizing the impact?
Are we making progress, even in small ways? Are both partners trying to rebuild the connection, even if trust hasn’t been fully restored yet?
Do we feel safe enough to share emotions?
2. Setting the Right Expectations for Valentine’s Day
When trust has been broken, expectations around special occasions or holidays aren’t easy to navigate. One partner may hope for reassurance, and the other may feel pressure or guilt, unsure of what will feel “right.”
Have an Open Conversation Beforehand
Instead of playing a guessing game, ask each other these questions:
- What does Valentine’s Day mean to each of us right now?
- Do we want to celebrate in a big or small way?
- Are there any activities that feel good versus ones that feel forced?
- What would help us feel connected rather than pressured?
This conversation lets you set realistic expectations and avoid disappointment or unspoken resentments.
3. Choosing Connection Over Grand Gestures
After a betrayal or period of distrust, over-the-top romantic gestures may not feel right. It is like getting flowers as a form of apology when you want to get a hug and have a good conversation.
Ideas for a Meaningful Valentine’s Day Focused on Healing:
Write a letter of appreciation. Instead of a generic Valentine’s card, write about the small things you appreciate about your partner.
Create a low-pressure ritual together. Light candles and have a “State of Us” talk where you both share one way you feel supported and one you’d like to keep improving.
Choose an experience that promotes emotional intimacy. A couples massage, a quiet walk, or an activity where you can be present with each other (without distractions or forced romance).
Read a relationship book or listen to a podcast together. Using a third-party source can help you discuss trust without feeling too confrontational. (I recommend The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.)
4. Practicing Repair and Reassurance
Even on Valentine’s Day, small moments matter, and here are some suggestions when having those intimate talks:
For the Partner Who Broke Trust:
If you’re working to rebuild trust, your partner may still have moments of doubt or fear. Instead of getting defensive, focus on taking action:
❤️ Follow through on commitments, even the small ones.
❤️ Validate your partner’s feelings rather than dismissing them.
❤️ Acknowledge any triggers that arise and address them with care.
For example, if a past betrayal involved secrecy around phone use, a simple gesture like putting your phone face up or openly sharing plans can go a long way.
For the Partner Who Was Hurt:
If you’re struggling with trust, it’s okay to need reassurance but also balance that with taking steps toward trust.
💙 Notice small positive changes, even if trust isn’t fully repaired.
💙 Express appreciation for your partner’s efforts.
💙 Use "I" statements to express needs (e.g., "I feel safer when we communicate openly about plans.").
5. Recognizing That Healing Is an Ongoing Process
Valentine’s Day won’t fix everything overnight, and that’s okay. The goal is not to force closeness but to find ways to stay engaged in healing.
Even if the holiday brings up difficult emotions, that doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t healing. Trust is rebuilt through consistency, honesty, and emotional safety over time—not just one night of romantic effort.
A Final Thought:
If this Valentine’s Day looks different than past years, that’s okay. Take small steps, acknowledge progress, and remind each other why you’re choosing to work through this together.
Relationships don’t thrive on perfect holidays. They thrive on healthy communication, love, and honesty.
Next Steps: Keep Building Trust Beyond Valentine’s Day
If you and your partner are struggling to navigate trust, consider ongoing support:
Try couples therapy to gain deeper tools for trust-building. You can reach out to us anytime to schedule a couples counseling session. If this is your first time in couples therapy, reach out to discuss what we offer and how we might be able to help.
Set weekly check-ins to talk about emotional needs and progress.
Continue practicing communication skills that reduce defensiveness and increase understanding.
Reach out today if you’re ready to make the next steps in couples counseling; we are here to help you have a great relationship and repair broken trust.
