When Sex Feels Like a Chore: How to Rekindle Connection Without Pressure

When Sex Starts to Feel Like Another To-Do

Let’s just say it—sometimes, sex feels like something you have to do instead of something you want to do. If you’ve caught yourself thinking, “I know I should, but I really don’t feel like it,” you’re not broken, and you’re definitely not alone.

Life is full. You’re tired. The emotional bandwidth just isn’t there. And when that happens, intimacy can start to feel like one more thing on your plate rather than a way to connect.

If this is where you are right now, take a breath. There’s nothing wrong with you. But it might be time to check in with yourself—and each other.

Why It Happens: Totally Normal Reasons Sex Can Feel Like Work

Let’s break it down. There are a bunch of valid reasons sex can lose its spark:

1. You’re running on empty.

Work, kids, caretaking, bills—it’s a lot. When your body is in survival mode, it makes total sense that desire gets pushed to the back burner.

2. One of you wants sex more often.

Desire mismatches are so common. But when sex becomes an obligation, it stops feeling good and starts feeling pressured.

3. There’s pressure to “perform.”

Trying to always be the initiator, or to say yes even when you don’t want to? That’s exhausting. Sex isn’t supposed to feel like passing a test.

4. Emotional distance makes physical closeness hard.

If you’re feeling unseen, unheard, or emotionally out of sync, your body probably isn’t in the mood for closeness.

5. You’re neurodivergent, have trauma, or get sensory overload.

If sex feels overwhelming, complicated, or like too much input all at once—you’re not being dramatic. You’re being honest. And there’s help for that.

6. There’s unresolved stuff between you.

Sometimes it’s unspoken tension. Sometimes it’s resentment. Either way, it’s hard to feel close when there’s something sitting between you.

What It Doesn’t Mean

If sex feels off, that doesn’t automatically mean:

• You’re falling out of love

• Your relationship is doomed

• You’re “just not sexual” anymore

It probably means something in your emotional or relational life needs a little tending to. That’s not failure. That’s being human.

You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone

Here’s where sex therapy can help.

When I work with couples across Texas, this issue comes up more than you’d think. It’s not about “fixing” anyone. It’s about getting curious about why intimacy feels complicated, heavy, or pressured—and learning how to shift that.

We slow everything down. We talk about what sex actually means to each of you. We explore what helps you feel connected and safe, and what shuts everything down. Sometimes, we go back to the basics—touch, closeness, affection—without any expectation of what comes next.

Sex therapy gives you a space to:

• Be honest without hurting each other

• Rebuild trust if things have felt distant

• Normalize mismatched desire

• Explore intimacy without a goal of “more sex”

And you don’t need to live in Austin or Dallas to access this. I offer virtual counseling across the state—from Houston to the Hill Country, and everywhere in between.

So if you’ve been thinking, “Something’s off, but I don’t even know where to start,” therapy can be that place.

How to Start the Conversation (Without Making It Weird)

This kind of talk can feel awkward. That’s normal. Start small.

• Try, “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected lately, and I think it’s worth talking about.”

• Focus on your experience—not blaming them.

• Be open to hearing how they’re feeling, too.

• Remind each other: you’re on the same team.

You don’t have to solve everything in one conversation. Just opening the door can make a big difference.

Ideas for Reconnecting Without Pressure

If you want to feel close again, here are a few places to start:

Slow way down.

No goals. Just a massage. A cuddle. Sharing a laugh. Pressure kills intimacy—permission brings it back.

Make time for non-sexual connection.

Touch without expectation. Snuggle on the couch. Hold hands on a walk. Let your body relearn that closeness can feel good.

Share something small.

Tell them what you miss. Write a silly note. Share a memory from your early days. Closeness builds from the little stuff.

Talk about what’s actually happening.

It’s okay to say, “Hey, I think we’ve both been kind of checked out. Want to talk about what’s been going on for us?”

Sex Therapy for Texans Who Want More (But Aren’t Sure Where to Start)

Maybe you’re overwhelmed. Maybe you’re tired. Maybe you love your partner but feel a million miles away from them right now.

You’re not alone in that.

I help couples and individuals across Texas work through these exact moments. We figure out what’s missing—not in a shame-based way, but in a deeply human, hopeful, grounded way.

You don’t have to pretend everything’s fine. You don’t have to fake desire just to keep the peace.

What if you could have a relationship where intimacy feels like a gift, not a task?

Let’s Talk About It: Therapy for Rekindling Your Intimacy

If sex has started feeling more like a job than a joy, let’s figure out what’s going on—together.

I offer virtual sex therapy and relationship counseling across Texas, and I’d love to help you find your way back to something that feels good again.

Free 15-minute virtual consultation
Serving all of Texas through secure telehealth
A warm, nonjudgmental space for real conversations about intimacy

Schedule your consultation today and let’s explore what intimacy could look like—for you.