What Counts as Cheating? Defining Betrayal in Relationships

“What Counts as Cheating?”

You might assume everyone agrees on what cheating is—kissing, sleeping with someone else, hiding a relationship—but in reality? It’s not that simple.

Some couples consider flirting harmless.
Others feel deeply betrayed by a “like” on Instagram.

The truth is: cheating is whatever breaks the agreements you’ve made in your relationship—spoken or unspoken.

So before we dive into a list of “is this cheating?” questions, here’s the guiding principle:

It’s not just what you do—it’s whether you and your partner agreed it was okay.
If it requires secrecy, causes guilt, or erodes trust, it’s worth talking about.

Now, let’s explore the most common gray areas that come up in relationships—because what counts as cheating for one couple might not for another.

Does Going to Strip Clubs Count as Cheating?

For some couples, it’s “just entertainment.”
For others, it’s intimate, disrespectful, or even triggering.

Ask yourselves:

• Was it discussed beforehand?

• Are you both clear about what feels okay and what doesn’t?

• Is the visit about bonding with friends—or escaping something at home?

Strip clubs can feel harmless or like betrayal, depending on the emotional context and mutual understanding.

Does Talking to People on Social Media Count as Cheating?

If it’s a friendly exchange, it may be fine.
If it’s flirty, hidden, or emotionally intimate—it could be emotional cheating.

Red flags:

• Are the messages deleted afterward?

• Would you feel okay showing them to your partner?

• Are you seeking emotional validation or attention you’re not getting in your relationship?

It’s not the platform—it’s the intent.

Does Liking Someone’s Picture or Post Count as Cheating?

This one stings for a lot of people. It’s technically public, but it still feels personal.

Here’s what to consider:

• Is it a thirst trap?

• Is it a one-time thing or a pattern?

• Would it feel different if it were a like from a stranger vs. someone they used to date?

Again—it’s about boundaries and what you two consider respectful.

Does Hanging Out with a Friend Count as Cheating?

It depends on the friend and the context.

• Is the friend someone your partner has reason to feel uneasy about?

• Do you spend more emotional energy on them than your partner?

• Do you avoid telling your partner about it?

Friendships can become emotional affairs when they replace intimacy in the relationship.

Does Talking to a Coworker Count as Cheating?

Most people talk to coworkers—but it gets tricky when emotional or sexual tension creeps in.

Watch for:

• Sharing vulnerable info you don’t share with your partner

• Compliments that cross a line

• Hiding the nature of your conversations

Workplace emotional cheating is more common than people realize—because the lines are often blurred.

Does Hanging Out with an Ex Count as Cheating?

This is one of the most common trust issues in couples.

Ask yourselves:

• Has full transparency been offered about the relationship?

• Is there still emotional residue between them?

• Is it truly platonic—or just labeled that way?

Even if there’s no physical contact, hanging out with an ex can feel like a betrayal when it’s not openly discussed.

Does Talking to an Ex Count as Cheating?

Still texting or DMing an ex might not seem like a big deal—unless it’s hidden or emotionally charged.

Clues it may be a problem:

• You or your partner hide the messages

• You turn to your ex for emotional support

• You compare your current relationship to that past one

Talking to an ex doesn’t have to be cheating—but it can still erode trust.

Does Kissing Count as Cheating?

For most couples—yes.
Kissing crosses into clear physical intimacy, even if it’s “just a kiss.”

The real issue is:

• Was it done behind your partner’s back?

• Was it impulsive or part of something ongoing?

• Is it being minimized or fully owned?

Even emotional kissing (without sexual intent) can hurt deeply.

Does Non-Physical Touch Count as Cheating?

Holding hands, cuddling, playing with someone’s hair—these may not be sexual, but they are intimate.

Physical affection outside of your relationship can still be:

• Misleading to the other person

• A signal that something’s missing in your relationship

• A trigger for insecurity or betrayal

Boundaries around touch should be talked about early on—not assumed.

So… What Does Count as Cheating?

There’s no universal rulebook.
But there is your relationship.

Ask each other:

• What feels like betrayal to you?

• What do honesty and respect look like?

• Are there any past experiences that make certain actions more sensitive?

When you create shared boundaries together, you’re less likely to break them.

Does Watching Porn Count as Cheating?

Some couples are okay with it—others see it as a breach of intimacy.
The real issue is intention, secrecy, and impact:

• Is it replacing intimacy with your partner?

• Was it agreed on—or just assumed?

• Is it causing hurt or disconnection?

If it feels like something you have to hide, it’s worth revisiting your agreements.

Does Flirting Count as Cheating?

Flirting can feel harmless or deeply painful depending on how it’s done and how it’s received.
Ask yourself:

• Would I act this way if my partner were watching?

• Is it playful, or is it charged?

• Is there emotional energy being diverted from my relationship?

Flirting doesn’t always lead to cheating—but it can open the door to it.

Does Going on a Trip Without Telling Your Partner Count as Cheating?

The issue here isn’t just the trip—it’s the lack of transparency.
If you're hiding travel plans or not being clear about who you’re with, it’s worth asking why.

Even non-romantic getaways can become betrayal-adjacent when secrets are involved.

Does Keeping Secrets About Your Relationships Count as Cheating?

Maybe nothing physical happened. Maybe no lines were technically crossed.
But if you’re emotionally investing in someone and keeping it hidden—that secrecy alone can feel like betrayal.

It’s not always the act—it’s the omission.

Does Fantasizing About Someone Else Count as Cheating?

Fantasies are normal—but they can feel like cheating when:

• They’re about a real person you know

• You’re withdrawing from your partner to indulge them

• You’re creating a secret emotional world your partner can’t access

It’s less about thought-policing and more about what you’re emotionally prioritizing.

Does Deleting Texts or DMs Count as Cheating?

You might say, “I just didn’t want to start a fight.”
But hiding communication—whether it’s flirty or not—can feel like betrayal.

Ask yourself:

• Why did it need to be deleted?

• Would I be okay if my partner did the same?

• Am I being honest—or just technically not lying?

Secrecy often matters more than the message.

Does Going Out to Dinner with Someone Else Count as Cheating?

Grabbing dinner with a coworker or friend isn’t cheating by default.
But if it involves emotional intimacy, secrecy, or romantic tension, it might cross a line.

Some questions to reflect on:

• Did I feel the need to hide it?

• Would I want my partner doing the same?

• Did the dinner feel emotionally loaded?

It’s the vibe, not the food.

Does Complimenting Someone Count as Cheating?

Telling someone they look nice isn’t cheating.
But constant compliments that cross into flirtation—especially in private—can hurt your partner’s trust.

Ask:

• Would I say this in front of my partner?

• Am I seeking connection outside my relationship?

• Is it part of a larger pattern?

It’s not just the compliment—it’s the emotional intent behind it.

Does Having a “Work Spouse” Count as Cheating?

Work besties are common—but when that relationship becomes the primary place for emotional connection, things get blurry.

Watch for:

• Emotional intimacy that rivals or replaces your romantic relationship

• Keeping it a secret

• Downplaying it when asked

If your partner feels replaced or excluded, it might be time to revisit boundaries.

Does Keeping a Crush to Yourself Count as Cheating?

Crushes happen. But if you’re nurturing the crush in secret—imagining “what if” scenarios or emotionally withdrawing from your partner—it can start to chip away at trust.

Ask:

• Am I feeding this or letting it pass?

• Is it staying in fantasy—or moving toward action?

• Is it taking energy away from my current relationship?

You don’t need to confess every passing thought—but honesty with yourself matters.

Does Having an Emotional Connection With Someone Else Count as Cheating?

You’re not sleeping together. You’re not even flirting.
But you talk every day. You share your struggles. You go to them first, not your partner.

That’s often called emotional infidelity—and it can hurt just as much (or more) than physical betrayal.

Ask:

• Am I giving them the intimacy I used to give my partner?

• Would my partner feel replaced?

• Is this relationship pulling me away from the one I committed to?

Does Dressing Up for Someone Else Count as Cheating?

Let’s be honest—there’s a difference between dressing for yourself… and dressing to get someone else’s attention.

This one’s subtle, but powerful.

Ask:

• Am I doing this to feel good—or to be noticed?

• Would I dress this way around my partner?

• Am I craving external validation I’m not getting in my relationship?

It’s not about controlling how someone looks—it’s about transparency and intention.

Does Reconnecting With a High School Crush Count as Cheating?

Reunions. Random Facebook messages. “I just wanted to see how you were.”

If you’re reaching out to someone from the past—especially a former romantic connection—there’s potential for emotional entanglement.

Check in:

• Is this innocent nostalgia—or something more?

• Do I want them to want me?

• Would I be okay if my partner did the same?

Sometimes the past pulls us back when the present feels uncertain.

Does Fantasizing During Intimacy Count as Cheating?

This one can be tough to talk about—but many people wonder: If I’m thinking about someone else while we’re intimate… is that a form of betrayal?

Fantasies are normal, but:

• Are they pulling you further into the relationship—or further away?

• Are they about a fictional scenario—or someone you actually know?

• Do they create distance between you and your partner’s real body, presence, and love?

This might not be cheating—but it can still hurt. Talk about it with curiosity, not shame.

Does Not Telling Your Partner Where You’re Going Count as Cheating?

Maybe it’s a solo night out. A trip. A change in routine.
And maybe… you’re not being entirely honest about it.

Even if nothing “happens,” hiding your whereabouts can trigger a deep sense of betrayal.

Ask:

• Why am I being vague or secretive?

• Would I want to know if my partner did this?

• Am I keeping a part of my life off-limits?

Cheating doesn’t always involve another person. Sometimes, it’s about emotional disconnection and avoidance.

Does Thinking About Someone Else While in a Relationship Count as Cheating?

Thoughts aren’t actions—but when they’re obsessive or emotionally charged, they can create emotional distance.

Ask:

• Are these thoughts impacting how I show up for my partner?

• Do I feel shame or secrecy around them?

• Am I feeding the fantasy, or letting it pass?

Does Keeping Old Photos of an Ex Count as Cheating?

Photos are memories. But when they’re hidden—or lingered on—they can signal unresolved feelings.

Consider:

• Am I keeping them out of sentiment or attachment?

• Would I feel okay if my partner had the same?

• Do I still fantasize or emotionally return to that relationship?

Does Roleplaying with Someone Else Online Count as Cheating?

Even if it’s “just a fantasy” or “only digital,” it can still create emotional or sexual betrayal.

Ask:

• Would I feel okay if my partner saw those messages?

• Does it feel like something I need to hide?

• Is it impacting my emotional or physical intimacy in real life?

Does Reaching Out to Someone During a Break Count as Cheating?

Breaks are messy. Unless rules are clearly defined, they can lead to misunderstandings and hurt.

Consider:

• Was there an agreement about seeing or talking to others?

• Did both people understand the break the same way?

• Was the reach-out meant for closure—or connection?

Does Not Mentioning a Flirty Interaction Count as Cheating?

You didn’t initiate it. You didn’t follow up. But you didn’t mention it, either.

Ask:

• Was it significant enough to feel guilty about?

• Am I withholding this to avoid consequences?

• Would I want my partner to be honest if it happened to them?

Does Using a Fake Name or Burner Account Count as Cheating?

If you’re going out of your way to hide behavior, it’s usually a sign something’s not aligned with your relationship.

Even if it’s “just for scrolling” or “not real,” ask:

• Why the secrecy?

• Am I emotionally investing in this hidden identity?

• What need am I trying to meet in secret?

Does Having a “Backup Plan” Count as Cheating?

Keeping someone emotionally on standby—just in case your relationship ends—is a subtle form of betrayal.

Ask:

• Am I fully emotionally committed?

• Would I be okay if my partner did the same?

• Why do I feel the need for a Plan B?

Does Polyamory or Open Relationship Activity Count as Cheating?

Not if there’s clear consent and boundaries.
But many people enter non-monogamy without truly communicating what’s okay and what isn’t.

Ask:

• Are both partners truly on the same page?

• Are agreements being honored?

• Are there unspoken assumptions or hidden resentments?

In consensual non-monogamy, honesty and transparency are the difference between freedom and betrayal.

You Get to Define the Rules

Cheating isn’t just sex. It’s secrecy. It’s disconnection. It’s crossing a line that was never agreed on.

The best thing you can do for your relationship isn’t to memorize a list of rules—it’s to talk about your expectations, values, and emotional safety with your partner. Because what counts as cheating… is what you two say it is. Need help navigating a betrayal or defining your relationship boundaries?
I offer counseling for individuals and couples.