What Is Discernment Counseling (And How Do You Know If You Need It?)
When your partner says, “I think we need to talk to someone,” it can feel like the ground shifts beneath you. If they bring up discernment counseling, your first thought might be: Wait… is that like therapy? Or a pre-divorce thing? Should I be worried?
Let’s slow it down together.
Discernment counseling is a specific, short-term kind of couples therapy designed for situations where one person is considering leaving, and the other isn’t ready to give up.
If you’re feeling stuck in limbo—between breaking up and staying together—this kind of counseling might be your next best step.
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Think of it like relationship counseling at a crossroads.
It’s not about fixing the relationship right away. It’s about figuring out whether it’s something you want to try fixing, or whether parting ways might be the most honest step forward.
Discernment counseling gives both partners a safe place to explore:
What’s led to this point in your relationship
How each of you has contributed to the current dynamic
Whether there’s enough willingness and motivation to work on it
What the path forward could look like—together or apart
“So... Is This Just Couples Counseling With a Fancier Name?”
Not quite. Traditional couples therapy assumes both people are on the same page about wanting to stay together.
Discernment counseling, on the other hand, meets you where you are—especially if one of you is leaning out, unsure, or already considering separation.
There’s no pressure to “save” the relationship. The goal is clarity, not convincing.
What Does a Discernment Counseling Session Look Like?
Unlike regular couples therapy, a discernment counseling session includes both joint and individual time with your therapist. Each session typically lasts about 90 minutes.
Here’s how it often goes:
You’ll meet briefly as a couple to check in on where you both stand.
Then each of you will have 1-on-1 time with the therapist to explore your thoughts, feelings, and ambivalence in a safe space.
You’ll end together again, focusing on clarity rather than conclusions.
Most couples attend between 1-5 sessions. Typically, discernment counseling is structured as a 5-session series. It’s short-term and meant to help you choose a path forward:
Stay in the relationship as-is
Move toward separation or divorce
Commit to 6 months of couples therapy and put real effort into healing
Why It’s So Hard to Get a Narcissist to See the Problem
(For couples where one partner has narcissistic traits)
People with narcissistic tendencies often struggle with admitting fault, tolerating vulnerability, or seeing the impact of their actions. Discernment counseling can be helpful if they’re open to reflection. But they may resist therapy altogether if they feel blamed or exposed.
In these situations, an experienced discernment counselor can help establish firm boundaries and gently redirect blame-shifting behaviors. Couples counseling is still possible, but you may need to begin with individual therapy.
What If One of You Is Already Out the Door?
If one of you is saying, “I’m done,” and the other still wants to try, that hurts. But here’s what’s important: you’re both in pain. And even the “leaning out” partner likely isn’t 100% sure. Discernment counseling is about ensuring that the decision to separate or stay is made with clarity and care, rather than confusion or chaos.
What If My Partner Asked for This and I Feel Blindsided?
That’s valid. It can feel like a shock, especially if you didn’t realize things had gotten this bad.
But asking for discernment counseling isn’t a betrayal. It’s a request for a structured, supportive space to talk honestly about where you are and where things might be heading.
Saying yes doesn’t mean you're agreeing to end the relationship. It just means you’re agreeing to talk.
Why It’s Not Always About Divorce
One of the biggest misconceptions about discernment counseling is that it’s a pre-divorce step. But that’s not true for everyone.
Sometimes it’s the moment where couples finally feel heard, where the right questions get asked. Where blame and shame get set down, and fundamental truths come forward. And sometimes—yes—it leads to separation. But when it does, it’s more likely to be respectful, mutual, and conscious, especially if kids are involved.
What If They Say “Yes” to Therapy… Then Quit?
This is more common than you think. Ambivalence is part of the process. If a partner agrees to attend but doesn’t follow through, it’s not necessarily the end, but it is a signal that needs to be talked about. A good discernment counselor can name that resistance, invite curiosity, and clarify what’s going on beneath the surface.
“What If I Still Hope Things Can Change?”
Hope is human. Wanting to work it out, even when things feel heavy, is a sign of how much you care. And it’s okay to hold hope, even while being realistic. A trained counselor can help you explore whether that hope is grounded in possibility or holding you back from making the choices you need.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Trying Discernment Counseling
Bringing up counseling—especially when things already feel tense or uncertain—can be nerve-wracking. You might worry they’ll take it the wrong way, get defensive, or shut down the conversation altogether.
Here’s the good news: how you introduce the idea matters more than having the “perfect” script. What helps most is tone—one that feels soft, collaborative, and grounded in care.
This isn’t about accusing, fixing, or convincing. It’s about opening a door.
First, get clear on your intention.
Before you start the conversation, ask yourself:
Am I looking for clarity, not just control?
Am I open to hearing their feelings, too?
Am I willing to focus on understanding each other, even if we see things differently?
If the answer is yes—you’re in a good place to begin.
Gentle Conversation Starters
Here are some examples of what you might say to your partner:
If you're the “leaning out” partner (unsure if you want to stay):
“I’ve been feeling really unsure about where we’re headed, and I know that’s not easy to hear. I don’t want to make a rushed decision, though—I’d rather take time to understand what’s happening between us. I came across something called discernment counseling. It’s not regular couples therapy, but more of a space to figure out if working on things still makes sense for us. Would you be open to exploring it with me?”
If you're the “leaning in” partner (wanting to work on the relationship):
“I know things have been hard lately, and I can feel how distant we’ve been. I want to understand what’s going on for you—without pushing or fixing, just really hearing you. I read about something called discernment counseling. It’s not regular therapy—it’s more about helping both people figure out if they want to keep going. I’d be open to doing it if you would. No pressure, just something to consider.”
If you’re both just confused and stuck:
“We’ve both been walking around feeling unsure and disconnected, and I don’t want to keep doing that. I read about this kind of counseling that’s meant exactly for couples who aren’t sure what to do next. It’s called discernment counseling—it’s short-term and really focused on helping people make a decision together. Want to look into it with me?”
A Few Things to Keep in Mind:
Don’t spring it on them during a fight. Wait for a calm moment, or even ask if you can set aside time to talk.
Don’t frame it as punishment or proof they’ve failed. Frame it as a way to find clarity—together.
Let them sit with it. Some people need time to process. That’s okay.
Be open to their fears. Counseling can feel vulnerable, especially for someone who’s not used to it. Listen with curiosity, not correction.
Suggesting discernment counseling isn’t a sign you’re giving up—it’s a sign you care enough to pause, reflect, and try to understand what’s really going on before making a life-altering decision.
And no matter how the conversation goes, you can feel proud for taking a brave, thoughtful step toward clarity.
What If Only One of Us Wants to Go?
This is one of the most common concerns couples have—so let’s go ahead and normalize it: it’s totally okay if one of you feels more ready than the other.
In fact, discernment counseling was designed for exactly this kind of situation.
Maybe you’re the one saying, “I don’t know if I can keep doing this.”
Or maybe you’re the one saying, “I’m not ready to give up.”
It’s incredibly painful when you and your partner are standing in different emotional places. One person may already have one foot out the door, while the other is still holding on tightly, hoping for a way forward. And in a traditional couples therapy setting, that kind of imbalance can make things feel even more stuck.
That’s where discernment counseling is different.
Rather than expecting both partners to be fully committed to working on the relationship, it meets you where you actually are. One person might be leaning out and unsure if the relationship is salvageable. The other might be leaning in and willing to try anything to make it work. Both perspectives are welcome in the room.
The counselor’s job isn’t to convince anyone to stay or go. It’s to slow things down, create space for honest reflection, and support you both in understanding:
What’s been happening in the relationship
What each person wants (or isn’t sure about)
Whether there’s a path forward together—or apart—with more clarity and respect
So if you're worried because you're the only one bringing it up, or your partner seems hesitant? That’s okay. Discernment counseling can still be helpful, even if one of you is unsure.
Sometimes all it takes is one person to say, “Can we just talk about where we’re at, even if we don’t have the answers yet?”—and that can open a door that’s been closed for a long time.
And if your partner isn’t ready to try discernment counseling just yet, there’s still value in you getting support on your own. You don’t have to wait for both people to agree before you start finding clarity.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Trying Discernment Counseling
Okay—so you’re thinking about suggesting counseling, but the word alone feels loaded. Maybe you’ve tried bringing it up before and it didn’t go well. Or maybe you’re worried they’ll take it as a sign you’re done.
The truth? You’re not alone. It’s actually really common to feel nervous about suggesting any kind of therapy—especially something as unfamiliar-sounding as discernment counseling.
But here’s the thing: how you say it matters more than finding the perfect words.
This isn’t about pressuring your partner into staying—or walking out the door. It’s about saying:
“We’re stuck. And I want us to take a moment to really figure out what’s next, instead of staying in this in-between place forever.”
That’s what discernment counseling is for.
Before You Bring It Up...
It helps to check in with yourself first.
Ask yourself:
Do I want this to be an honest conversation—not just a way to convince them of something?
Am I okay with the fact that we might not be on the same page right now?
Am I open to just exploring, not fixing?
If you’re nodding yes, that’s a good sign you’re ready to start this conversation in a grounded way.
How You Might Say It
You don’t need a script—but it can help to start soft and speak from a place of honesty. Here are a few ways you could word it, depending on where you’re coming from:
If you’re the one who’s unsure whether to stay:
“I’ve been feeling torn lately, and I don’t want to just make a quick decision about our relationship. I came across something called discernment counseling—it’s not regular therapy, it’s more like guided conversations to help people figure out whether they want to work on things or not. I think it could help us get clearer. Would you be open to talking about it?”
If you’re the one who really wants to stay and work on things:
“I know things have felt off between us, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how we got here. I came across this type of counseling called discernment—it’s designed for couples who aren’t sure whether to stay together. I’d be open to doing it with you if you are—just to get some clarity, not pressure. What do you think?”
If you’re both kind of in the fog and unsure what’s next:
“We’ve been kind of stuck for a while now, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to stay in limbo forever. I read about this short-term kind of couples therapy called discernment counseling. It’s meant to help people figure out what they want—whether that’s working on the relationship or parting ways more peacefully. Maybe it’s worth exploring together?”
A Few Tips as You Bring It Up
Pick a calm time, not mid-argument. Say, “Hey, can we talk about something later tonight?” rather than blurting it out in the heat of the moment.
Try not to make it sound like an ultimatum. This is about curiosity, not pressure.
Give them space to respond. If they seem hesitant, that’s okay. Let them sit with it.
Normalize that this is hard for both of you. It’s okay to say, “I’m nervous to bring this up.”
Signs It’s Time to Try Discernment Counseling
You feel like you’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to shift
One partner talks about leaving, while the other pleads to stay
You don’t know how to talk without fighting—or shutting down
One of you is saying, “I love you, but I’m not in love anymore”
You’ve considered divorce, but haven’t made a final decision
What If There’s Been Infidelity or Betrayal?
When there’s been infidelity—or any deep rupture of trust—it can feel like the relationship is hanging by a thread. One or both of you might be hurt, angry, numb, or unsure whether the damage can ever be repaired.
If that’s where you are, first: I just want to say it makes complete sense that you’re overwhelmed. Betrayal shakes the very foundation a relationship is built on.
But here’s the truth a lot of couples don’t realize at first: you don’t have to have it all figured out before you walk into counseling.
In fact, discernment counseling is a powerful place to begin when trust has been broken.
It’s not about forcing forgiveness, or jumping into repair work right away. Instead, it’s about gently creating space to:
Talk openly about what happened (with a trained professional to guide the process)
Understand how the relationship got to this point
Explore each person’s willingness—or unwillingness—to consider healing
Begin to separate the crisis from the decision
For the partner who was betrayed, discernment counseling can offer space to voice the pain, ask the hard questions, and assess whether rebuilding trust feels possible—or safe.
For the partner who broke the trust, it’s a chance to understand the impact of their choices, take responsibility, and clarify what they’re actually willing to do moving forward.
Sometimes, couples walk into discernment counseling thinking the betrayal means it’s over.
Other times, they walk in with a quiet hope that maybe—just maybe—it’s not too late.
This process won’t promise to “fix” the relationship. But it can help you figure out whether healing together is even something you both want to try.
And whatever path you choose—working to repair or parting ways with clarity—you’ll be doing it from a place of greater understanding, not reactivity. And that alone can be incredibly healing.
Is It Too Late to Try This?
If you're reading this and thinking, "We’ve already said awful things. We’ve slammed doors. We’ve barely spoken in weeks... is it even worth trying at this point?" — please know this: you’re not alone.
Many couples turn to discernment counseling not when things are “just starting” to feel off, but when they’re already feeling emotionally checked out or dangerously close to calling it quits.
Maybe you've already googled lawyers. Maybe you’ve started imagining life on your own. Maybe you’re sleeping in different rooms or avoiding each other like roommates. It’s heavy. It’s painful. It’s real.
But it’s not necessarily too late.
The purpose of discernment counseling isn’t to rewind the clock or pretend nothing’s happened. It’s not even about “saving” the relationship. It’s about creating a space—one that’s calm, structured, and professionally guided—so both people can finally say:
What’s really been going on for me?
What have I tried that hasn’t worked?
Is there anything left here I’m still holding onto—or not?
No one walks into this process feeling perfect or polished. That’s not required. What is needed? Just a willingness to slow down and explore what you truly want before making life-changing decisions out of frustration or fear.
It’s not about patching everything up. It’s about making a conscious choice—whatever that choice may be.
What If the Relationship Could Heal?
Some couples enter discernment counseling unsure and walk away ready to try again, this time with greater honesty and commitment. Others realize they’ve reached the end, but can part with clarity and care. Either way, you’re not wasting time. You’re taking a brave, grounded step toward your next chapter.
You Deserve Clarity. You Deserve Peace.
Whether you’re the one who wants out or the one still holding on—your feelings matter.
Discernment counseling offers you both a chance to slow down and really look at what’s going on. Not to win, not to blame—but to understand.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we specialize in supporting couples who feel like they’re at the end of their rope. We’ll help you navigate this messy, uncertain chapter with kindness, honesty, and clarity. Reach out today to learn more about virtual discernment counseling in Texas.
