How Narcissistic Parents Affect Their Adult Children
“It Always Felt Like I Didn’t Matter”
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you probably didn’t have the words for it at the time. You just knew something felt off. Maybe you felt like your needs were too much. Or like love was something you had to earn by being quiet, helpful, impressive, or perfect.
Now that you're older, you might look back and realize how much of your childhood was about surviving their moods, walking on eggshells, or shrinking yourself to keep the peace.
Let’s talk about how that kind of upbringing can shape the rest of your life and how to start healing from it.
What It Feels Like to Grow Up in Their Shadow
Growing up with a narcissistic parent often means you were cast in a role: the caretaker, the golden child, the scapegoat, the invisible one. Whatever the role, the rules were the same—you had to serve them.
You may have had to anticipate their moods
Hide your true feelings to avoid conflict
Be perfect, impressive, or emotionally low-maintenance
Be there for them… but never expect the same in return
And when you needed comfort or support? They made it about them. You might have even felt guilty for having needs at all.
When Love Felt Like a Transaction
Did you ever feel like love came with strings attached?
Maybe they were kind when you made them look good—but cold or cruel when you weren’t meeting their expectations. Maybe praise felt conditional. Or love felt performative.
You might have learned early on that love wasn’t a safe, consistent place. It was something you had to earn—and that belief can be hard to shake, even decades later.
The Inner Child Who Never Felt Safe
Even if your adult life looks stable on the outside, that younger version of you might still live deep inside—tired, anxious, and still trying to win your parent’s approval.
That’s the part of you that feels panicked when someone’s disappointed. That apologizes for things that aren’t your fault. That’s still waiting for someone to finally say, “You’re enough.”
Inner child work isn’t about blaming our parents forever. It’s about finally listening to the younger version of you who didn’t get what they needed… and showing up for them now.
“Why Do I Still Feel Like the Problem?”
One of the hardest parts of healing from a narcissistic parent is untangling from the shame they planted in you.
You might still second-guess yourself, replay old conversations, or ask yourself things like:
Am I being too sensitive?
What if I am the problem?
Maybe I just wasn’t a good enough kid?
The truth? You were a child doing your best in an impossible situation. That confusion you feel now? It’s not proof that you’re broken—it’s a symptom of gaslighting, emotional neglect, or years of being made to feel responsible for things that were never yours to carry.
Going Low-Contact or No-Contact: Is That Okay?
Short answer? Yes.
Longer answer: only you get to decide what kind of relationship (if any) you want with your parent. And whatever you choose—whether it’s setting firmer boundaries, reducing contact, or cutting ties entirely—it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you someone protecting their peace.
You can love someone and still need space. You can have compassion for their pain and still say, “This isn’t safe for me.”
You Get to Redefine What Family Means
One of the most powerful things adult children of narcissists can do is reimagine what family could feel like.
Safe.
Supportive.
Respectful.
Real.
That might mean creating your own chosen family. Surrounding yourself with people who see you. Building relationships based on mutual care, not control. You don’t have to repeat the past. You’re allowed to write a new story.
What Healing Looks Like
Healing from a narcissistic parent isn’t all bubble baths and breakthroughs. Some days it’s confusing. Some days it’s grief. Some days it’s setting a boundary and crying afterward because it feels so unfamiliar.
But it’s also:
Catching yourself being kind to your own feelings
Letting go of guilt you were never meant to carry
Saying “no” without needing a 12-paragraph explanation
Noticing you’re no longer triggered by their comments
Building a life where you are finally allowed to take up space
You don’t have to rush it. You don’t have to do it perfectly. But you do deserve to heal.
Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Your Voice
At Sagebrush Counseling, I work with adults who are untangling the lasting effects of narcissistic, controlling, or emotionally immature parents. Together, we create a space where it’s safe to unpack the past, reconnect with your true self, and build healthier relationships moving forward.
You don’t have to keep pretending it didn’t hurt. You don’t have to keep carrying this alone.
Ready to take the next step? Reach out today to schedule a free consultation or book a session. This time, it gets to be about you.
