What is a ‘Backup Friend’? Are You Just an Option?

Apr 4

Written By A G

Friendships should feel mutual, balanced, and real. But sometimes, you start to notice—you’re always reaching out. You’re always available. You always care. But them? They only show up when it’s convenient.

If that sounds familiar, you might be their backup friend.

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What Is a Backup Friend?

A backup friend is someone who’s there, just in case. Not a priority. Not the first choice. Just… an option.

They call when they’re bored.
They text when their other plans fall through.
They show up when they need something.
But when life is good? They disappear.

It’s not always intentional. But it still hurts.

Signs You’re a Backup Friend

I'm not sure if you’re someone’s backup. Here’s how you know:

You’re always the one reaching out. If you stopped texting, you’re not sure they’d even notice.
They only hit you up when they need something. A favor. A shoulder to cry on. Some last-minute plans.
You’re the “fallback” when better options aren’t available. They cancel on you the moment someone “better” comes along.
They don’t invest in your life. You check in on them. Celebrate them. Support them. But when do you need the same? Silence.
You feel like an afterthought. They like you but not enough to make you a priority.

If this sounds like your friendship, it’s time to re-evaluate.

Why Do People Keep Backup Friends?

Not everyone does this on purpose. But here’s why it happens:

1. Fear of Being Alone

Some people don’t like having no one, so they keep backup friends “just in case.”

2. Social Convenience

For some, friendships are about who’s available, not who matters most.

3. Emotional Support Without Effort

You’re a good listener. You give great advice. They lean on you when they need something—but don’t offer the same in return.

4. They Don’t Even Realize They’re Doing It

Some people just aren’t great at maintaining friendships. They don’t mean harm. They just don’t put in the effort.

But here’s the thing: Your time and energy deserve more than that.

The Emotional Toll of Being a Backup Friend

Being a backup friend doesn’t feel bad; it affects your self-worth.

You start questioning your value. Am I not fun enough? Interesting enough? Is it worth their time?
You feel emotionally drained. Because you’re always giving, never receiving.
You feel rejected—without being outright rejected. They’re not pushing you away, but they’re not pulling you close either.
You start resenting them. And that sucks because you care about them.

Friendships should feel good, not like you’re constantly proving your worth.

How to Set Boundaries and Prioritize Healthy Friendships

If you’ve realized you’re a backup friend, you have options. You don’t have to ghost them (unless you want to). But you do deserve better.

1. Stop Being the Only One Reaching Out

Step back. See what happens. If they notice? Maybe there’s something to salvage. If they don’t? That’s your answer.

2. Call It Out (If You Want To)

You don’t have to start drama, but if you care about the friendship, be honest:

"Hey, I feel like I’m always the one reaching out. I value our friendship, but I need it to feel more mutual. What do you think?"

How they respond will tell you everything you need to know.

3. Focus on Friendships That Feel Good

Put your energy into people who show up for you. The ones who check in. The ones who make time for you. The ones who care.

Because here’s the truth: You don’t need to chase friendships.

If someone wants you in their life, you won’t have to beg for a spot.

4. Set Boundaries on How Much You Give

Friendship is about give and take—but if you’re doing all the giving, it’s time to pull back. Ask yourself:

Do I feel drained after spending time with them?
Am I saying yes when I want to say no?
Do they ever check in on me, or is it always one-sided?

If a friendship constantly leaves you feeling unappreciated, stepping back and protecting your energy is okay.

5. Accept What the Friendship Is

Some people aren’t capable of deeper friendships—and that’s not your fault. If you still enjoy spending time with them, great! But accept that they’re more of a casual acquaintance than a close friend.

And if that’s not enough for you? You don’t have to keep them in your life.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve More Than Being Someone’s Backup Plan

If someone only values you when they need something, that’s not a real friendship. And it’s not a reflection of your worth, it’s a reflection of your inability to prioritize and invest in relationships.

Friendships should feel balanced, mutual, and fulfilling. If you’re feeling drained, overlooked, or unappreciated, it’s okay to set boundaries, step back, and invest in people who truly value you.