Listening vs. Talking: Why One Without the Other Doesn’t Work
We talk, we text, we explain ourselves, we vent to our partners, we tell people what we need… so why does it still feel like no one’s really hearing each other?
Because there’s a difference between talking and connecting—and that difference usually comes down to listening.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we work with a lot of individuals and couples who are stuck in patterns where communication is happening… but nothing’s landing. If you’ve ever said, “I feel like I’m talking to a wall,” or “They hear me, but they don’t get me,” you’re not alone.
Let’s dig into why that happens—and how a few shifts can change the whole tone of your conversations.
Talking Is Easy. Listening? That’s Where the Magic Happens.
We all know how to talk. But listening—that’s a skill. And in relationships, it’s the skill that matters most.
Listening means more than just being quiet while the other person speaks. It means being present. It means caring about what’s being said, even if it’s hard to hear. It means setting aside your own rebuttal, your own fear of being wrong, your own desire to fix—and just letting someone feel heard.
That’s not always easy. Especially in emotionally charged conversations. Especially when you're tired or stressed or already feeling misunderstood. But it’s where trust starts to rebuild.
“I’m Listening!” … Are You, Though?
If you’ve ever nodded along in a conversation while mentally drafting your grocery list, you know how easy it is to hear someone without listening to them.
Here’s what listening doesn’t look like:
Waiting for your turn to talk
Planning your defense mid-sentence
Interrupting with “yeah, but”
Zoning out until it’s your turn again
Real listening looks more like this:
Slowing down your own thoughts enough to focus
Letting the other person fully finish their point
Saying things like “That makes sense,” or “Can I make sure I’m understanding you?”
Asking follow-up questions—not to trap or correct, but to connect
Why We Struggle with Listening (Especially in Relationships)
It’s not that we’re selfish. It’s that we’re human. And when emotions run high, it’s natural to go into “self-protection mode.”
Here are a few common blocks that get in the way:
We’re scared of what we’ll hear. Vulnerability can feel threatening, especially if we’re already on shaky ground.
We’re focused on being right. If the goal is to win, not understand, nobody feels heard.
We’ve built up resentment. When you’re holding onto years of unspoken frustrations, it’s hard to stay present in one more conversation.
We think we already know what they’re going to say. And so we stop truly listening before they’ve even finished their sentence.
Sound familiar? You’re not broken. But this is probably a sign that some repair work needs to happen—either on your own or together.
So… What About Talking?
Talking still matters. A lot. But how you speak—and when—makes all the difference.
Here are a few things we encourage in sessions:
1. Use “I” Statements
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel shut down when I don’t feel heard.”
It’s less attacking and way more effective.
2. Be Clear and Kind
You don’t need to sugarcoat your truth, but you do need to say it in a way that invites conversation—not defensiveness. Think honesty + empathy.
3. Don’t Say Everything in One Breath
A good conversation has space. You’re allowed to pause. You don’t need to prove your whole point in one monologue.
The Listening-Talking See-Saw (Balance Is Everything)
In healthy relationships, both partners feel heard—and both get to speak.
If one person is doing all the talking, the other might feel invisible.
If one person is doing all the listening, they might feel drained or unimportant.
A good rhythm might sound like this:
One person shares, the other reflects: “So it sounds like you’re saying…”
The listener checks in: “Is there more you want me to know about that?”
Then they swap roles.
Does that sound robotic? Maybe at first. But in therapy, we’ve seen this simple back-and-forth repair years of missed connections.
What Listening Looks Like in Real Life
Here’s a real-life example we often see in couples therapy:
Partner A: “I feel like I’m the only one putting effort into our relationship.”
Partner B (defensive): “That’s not true—I took the car in for maintenance and booked our anniversary dinner!”
But Partner A wasn’t asking for logistics—they were asking to feel loved. And Partner B, even with good intentions, missed the emotional content of the message.
Listening would sound more like:
“Okay… it sounds like you’re feeling alone in the effort. I didn’t realize that. Can you help me understand what support would feel like for you?”
That response doesn’t require fixing or agreeing. Just curiosity. And curiosity is the foundation of empathy.
Listening Isn’t Always Comfortable—And That’s Okay
Sometimes listening means sitting with emotions that are hard to hear:
Disappointment
Anger
Hurt
Needs we didn’t realize we weren’t meeting
It’s tempting to shut it down. Or get defensive. But if we can stay open just a little longer, we often realize the person in front of us just wants connection—not conflict.
Listening says:
“You matter to me—even when it’s hard to hear what you’re saying.”
How Therapy Can Help You Get Better at Both
At Sagebrush Counseling, we love helping people build communication that’s real, not rehearsed. Whether you’re an individual who wants to express yourself more clearly, or a couple that keeps talking in circles, we can help you:
Get to the heart of what you really need
Break patterns of reactive conversation
Learn how to pause, reflect, and reconnect
Practice communication tools that actually feel natural
We’re not here to make you sound like a textbook. We’re here to help you sound like your best self—honest, compassionate, and confident.
Final Thought: Talking Builds Bridges. Listening Builds Trust.
You need both. One without the other is like building a house with only half the tools.
So next time you find yourself saying, “They never listen to me,” or “I don’t know how to say this without a fight,” pause.
Ask yourself:
Am I listening with curiosity—or just waiting to speak?
Am I talking from a place of connection—or just defending myself?
What would it feel like to be heard right now?
That’s the work. And it’s possible. You don’t have to do it alone.
Ready to Talk and Be Heard?
At Sagebrush Counseling, we offer individual and couples therapy designed to help you connect better—with others and with yourself.
If you’re ready to build stronger, more honest relationships, we’re ready to help. Reach out today for a free consultation. Let’s have a conversation that feels different.
