When a Narcissist Calls You a Narcissist: What It Means and How to Respond
So… Someone Just Called You a Narcissist
And not just anyone—a person who regularly makes conversations about themselves, rarely says “I’m sorry,” and often leaves you feeling emotionally dizzy.
If your first instinct was to panic a little, you're not alone. It’s one of those accusations that gets under the skin—especially if you’re someone who cares deeply about how you show up in relationships.
Here’s the good news: The fact that you’re reading this already tells me a lot. People with true narcissistic traits don’t usually sit with self-reflection. They don’t Google things like this. You are clearly trying to understand, and that’s a sign of emotional depth—not narcissism.
Let’s slow this down together. We’re going to walk through:
Why narcissistic people might call you a narcissist
How to respond without losing your center
And how to figure out what’s really yours to own—and what isn’t
First, Why Would Someone Say This?
When a person with narcissistic tendencies accuses you of being the narcissist, it’s usually not about clarity or growth. It’s a form of emotional defense, and here’s how it often shows up:
1. It’s Projection
This is a big one. Projection happens when someone denies their own difficult traits by placing them onto someone else. So if they’re controlling, critical, or lack empathy—they might flip it around and accuse you of being the problem.
It’s less about you—and more about their own discomfort with being seen clearly.
2. You’re Disrupting the Dynamic
Narcissistic relationships often depend on control. If you’ve started setting boundaries, asserting yourself, or asking for emotional accountability, it might challenge their sense of power. Calling you a narcissist can be a way to knock you off balance.
3. You Care—And They Know It
This is often the most heartbreaking part. If you’re someone who’s empathic, conscientious, or sensitive to other people’s needs, this kind of accusation hits hard. Narcissistic people know that. It’s a tactic designed to make you question your character and, ultimately, give up your boundaries.
“But What If They’re Right?”
Such an important question. It’s so common to wonder, What if they’re seeing something I can’t? What if I’m the one being difficult or emotionally manipulative?
Here’s how I’d approach that in therapy:
Let’s look at your pattern, not just this one moment.
True narcissism isn’t about having a bad day, setting a boundary, or even making a mistake in communication. It’s a consistent pattern of:
Dismissing other people’s feelings
Refusing to take responsibility
Needing constant admiration or control
Lacking empathy
Using others for personal gain
Most narcissists don’t worry about being narcissistic. The fact that you’re sitting with this—really reflecting and caring—is likely the clearest sign that this label doesn’t belong to you.
How to Respond (and Protect Your Peace)
When someone accuses you of narcissism, it can feel tempting to defend yourself. That’s a very human impulse. But in a narcissistic dynamic, trying to explain or justify often leads you deeper into confusion.
So instead, here are some ways to respond that keep you grounded:
1. Don’t Take the Bait
This accusation is often a way to derail the conversation. You don’t have to defend yourself to someone who’s not willing to see you clearly.
Try saying:
“That feels like an attempt to shift blame. I’m not going to continue this conversation in that direction.”
Or simply:
“That’s not a label I’m taking on. Let’s take a break and come back when we can talk more calmly.”
2. Come Back to What You Know
You might need a reset. Ask yourself:
“Was I trying to express a need, or control the other person?”
“Did I react, or did I respond?”
“Am I open to feedback in general? Or do I always feel the need to be right?”
These are questions that help us grow. And if you’re not sure how to answer them, it can be incredibly helpful to process that with a therapist.
3. Stay Calm, Clear, and Boundaried
The more emotionally reactive you become, the more that reaction might be used against you later. (Sound familiar?)
Try to keep your responses clear, brief, and calm. You don’t owe someone a long emotional explanation if they’re using that openness to twist your words.
What Healthy Behavior Might Look Like
Let’s clarify something here—because I think a lot of kind-hearted people start to confuse assertiveness with selfishness.
It’s not narcissistic to:
Say “no” when something doesn’t feel right
Set boundaries around your time or energy
Express your needs in a relationship
End a conversation that’s become emotionally abusive
Ask for accountability without exploding or shutting down
Healthy people can handle “no.” Healthy people want mutual respect. Narcissistic individuals tend to view any boundary as a threat.
What If This Keeps Happening?
If you’re regularly being accused of things that don’t feel true to you—especially by someone whose behavior leaves you confused, anxious, or guilty—it might be time to look at the bigger picture.
Patterns of emotional gaslighting, blame-shifting, and control are common in narcissistic dynamics. Over time, it can leave you questioning your worth and even your grip on reality.
That’s where therapy can make a huge difference.
At Sagebrush Counseling, we work with individuals who:
Have been in emotionally manipulative or toxic relationships
Struggle with people-pleasing and chronic self-doubt
Want to set better boundaries without guilt
Are working to rebuild their self-trust
You don’t have to carry the weight of someone else’s projection. And you don’t have to be perfect to be deserving of love and respect.
Thoughts on Narcissism
Being called a narcissist by someone who repeatedly invalidates you doesn’t mean you’re broken. It often means you're growing—and that growth threatens someone who preferred the old version of you: the one who didn’t speak up, didn’t push back, didn’t claim space.
That version may have kept the peace. But it wasn’t peace you could live with.
You are allowed to evolve. You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to say, “That’s not true, and I don’t accept that narrative.”
And you don’t have to figure it out alone.
