Emotional Needs Behind Becoming an Affair Partner
What are the Emotional Needs Behind Becoming an Affair Partner?
As a counselor, I often work with individuals who are working through infidelity and those who went through a divorce. While much focus is on those who have been cheated on or those who initiate the affair, an often-overlooked perspective is that of the affair partner. If you’ve found yourself in this position, you may have difficulty with complex emotions, unanswered questions, and even shame or confusion about how it happened.
Why Do People Become Affair Partners?
The reasons for becoming an affair partner are not easy to answer, as each person and situation is unique. Affair partners usually don’t enter into married partnerships with malicious intent, although many people think this is one of the reasons; it is usually more complex than that. There are often deep emotional reasons and complexities explained below.
1. Unmet Emotional Needs
Many affair partners are drawn to married relationships because they fulfill unmet emotional needs. These could include:
Feeling valued and appreciated: There is a certain level of desire in affair relationships. The constant messaging and admiration can be even more thrilling than new relationship energy. The feeling of being valued by someone this intensely can become addicting.
Desiring connection and intimacy: For some, the affair provides a sense of closeness and vulnerability that may be lacking elsewhere in their lives.
Seeking validation: Being chosen by someone, especially in a complicated or forbidden context, can boost self-esteem or temporarily fill feelings of inadequacy.
2. Attachment Patterns and Past Experiences
Childhood experiences and past relationships can and typically do influence your attachment pattern and how you relate to others. Here are the attachment styles and how they may affect your current relationships.
Anxious attachment: If you seek constant reassurance in relationships, you may be drawn to the ups and downs of an affair.
Avoidant attachment: If intimacy feels overwhelming or unsafe, being the affair partner might allow you to experience connection without full commitment.
Trauma bonds: Past emotional wounds, such as neglect or abuse, can create unconscious patterns that lead to complicated relationships.
3. Low Self-Worth
For some, becoming an affair partner might come from feelings of unworthiness. You may believe you’re not “good enough” for a traditional relationship. Having a belief set where you don’t think you’re good enough for a relationship where you’re number one can keep with the pattern of being in relationships where you aren’t put first.
4. The Thrill of the Forbidden
The excitement of secrecy and forbidden love can be alluring, intense, and passionate. You may find yourself wanting more or that you’re the star of a passionate movie. The thrill, the chase, and the fierce desire may catch you off guard, but wanting more leads to pleasure, desire, and feel-good hormones.
Emotional Complexities of Being an Affair Partner
Being an affair partner is rarely as simple as it seems on the surface. There are highs, then lows, all of which come simultaneously and are part of the thrill. There is a point where the relationship can start to move in ways where you want more, and new feelings may emerge as the attachment grows.
1. The Highs and Lows
Affairs often involve intense emotional relationships based on desire and awakened passion; there is a thrill to the highs and lows. On one hand, you might feel exhilarated by the connection and the attention you’re receiving. On the other hand, you may feel hurt, rejected, or abandoned when the person you’re involved with prioritizes their primary relationship or withdraws from you.
2. Feelings of Shame or Guilt
Many affair partners struggle with feelings of guilt about the role they’ve played in someone else’s relationship. If you had strong morals and find yourself the affair partner, it might weigh on you and the shameful feelings of wondering how you got into this situation.
3. Confusion About Love and Reality
It’s common for affair partners to question the authenticity of the relationship. Is this love, or is it just infatuation? What would this relationship look like outside the context of secrecy? You may wonder if your feelings could last outside of the affair or if they are built upon love.
4. Fear of Judgment
You may worry about how others would perceive you if they knew about your involvement. The fear of being judged by family, friends, co-workers, or even strangers can be hard to handle, especially when at play with your morals.
Understanding the Other Person’s Role
It may be time to consider the dynamics of the relationship and the other person’s role. People who initiate affairs often have their own unmet needs, unresolved issues, or emotional struggles. While this doesn’t excuse their behavior, it helps to understand where it may come from.
They may feel trapped in their current relationship but lack the tools or courage to address it directly.
They might seek validation or excitement in the affair to cope with inadequacy or dissatisfaction.
They may have difficulty with boundaries or a pattern of avoiding conflict in their primary relationship.
Recognizing these dynamics can help you understand that the affair is less about your worth and more about your unresolved issues.
How to Begin Healing and Moving Forward
Whether the affair has ended or is ongoing, healing begins with self-reflection and a commitment to personal growth. Here are steps to help you move forward:
1. Practice Self-Compassion
It’s easy to fall into a cycle of self-blame or harsh judgment. Remind yourself that you are human, and like everyone, you are navigating life with challenges and vulnerabilities. Speak to yourself as you would a close friend who made a mistake.
2. Reflect on Your Emotional Needs
Ask yourself:
What drew me to this relationship?
What emotional needs was I seeking to fulfill?
Are there healthier ways I can meet these needs in the future?
Identifying these patterns is a crucial step in breaking free from them.
3. Seek Therapy or Counseling
Working with a counselor can provide a safe and supportive space to explore your emotions and gain clarity. Having someone to talk to where you feel safe, heard, and seen can make a world difference in working through the complex emotions of being the affair partner.
4. Set Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is essential if the affair is ongoing and you want to end it. This might involve having an honest conversation, cutting off communication, or seeking support from a counselor or trusted friend to help you follow through.
5. Focus on Personal Growth
Use this experience as an opportunity for self-improvement. Consider:
Building your self-esteem through hobbies, achievements, or self-care.
Developing more assertive communication and boundary-setting skills.
Reflect on what you want in a relationship and how to work toward it.
What Healthy Love Looks Like
As you work toward healing, it’s helpful to visualize what a healthy, fulfilling relationship might look like. In a healthy relationship:
Both partners are emotionally available and committed to one another.
Communication is open and honest, with no need for secrecy.
Your needs are met without compromising your values or self-worth.
By focusing on what you deserve, you can create a foundation for healthier connections in the future.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been an affair partner, it’s important to remember that this does not define who you are as a person. You are not your mistakes; your past choices do not bind you. With self-reflection, support, and a commitment to growth, you can move forward with greater clarity, self-awareness, and the ability to create meaningful, healthy relationships.
This journey isn’t about judgment or shame—it’s about understanding, healing, and reclaiming your power to shape the relationships and life you truly deserve. If you want to schedule a session with Sagebrush Counseling to work through these feelings, we are here to help.
